The Bitter Pill: My worst sports memories

It's on days like today when I wonder to myself why on earth I like sports. Although watching your team win the big game can be one of the most exhilarating experiences imaginable, let's be honest - that only happens once in a blue moon. In fact, as I thought quietly on my drive home from work today, I determined that devoting a lifetime to watching sports has brought me sadness and disappointment probably 95% of the time. I can think of one time - just one - in my entire life that "my team" has ever won a championship. Surely, the team that I have wanted to win has won occasionally, but only one time in my entire life has my actual team ever claimed the right to be called "number one." Those ain't good odds.

Imagine my elation when my Texas Rangers - a team that I have heavily invested in over the past several years - went from being the worst team in the Major Leagues to winning the pennant in the American League West a few weeks ago. Oh man, that was awesome! They made the playoffs and went nuts against the Toronto Blue Jays, who many picked to be the odds-on favorite to win this year's World Series, in the first two games of the five-game American League Divisional Series. We were up two games to zero, just one win away from a spot in baseball's Final Four - the American League Championship Series. Could it truly be happening? Were the Rangers the Team of Destiny? The series was shifting back to Arlington and there was no way they'd let the Blue Jays win three straight games.

Right??

The Rangers vs the Blue Jays (2015)

The Rangers came out flat in Game Three, losing 5-1 in Texas. I was really excited to watch this game because it was the one game in this entire series that I could actually watch live; the others were all televised at 2 in the afternoon, while I was at work. I was ready to break out my broom for the sweep last Sunday night, but it was not meant to be. I figured it was a rough outing and we'd get 'em Monday. But the Blue Jays came out swinging again and won Game Four, 8-4, shifting the series back to Toronto for a win-or-go-home Game Five today. Again, the game started in the afternoon and I was forced the follow the game via a combination of updates from MLB At Bat, Twitter, ESPN.com and my family members, who were watching the game at home.

The Rangers jumped out to an early lead, which was pretty dang exciting for me. I caught a little bit of the game early on during my break at work and all was well. Then the seventh inning happened and my phone started blowing up. Apparently, I heard, the Rangers had scored on a fluke play where Toronto's catcher, Russell Martin attempted to throw the ball back to the pitcher, but accidentally hit the bat of Texas' Shin-Soo Choo. The ball was declared live and the Rangers plated a run, extending their lead and prompting the Toronto fans to start throwing garbage onto the field. Classy!! But the good times wouldn't last long. Soon thereafter, I'm told, the Rangers had three fielding errors in the bottom of the seventh and Jose Bautista blasted a three-run shot, putting the Blue Jays up for good. The Rangers etched their names in sports history as one of the only teams to ever choke away a 2-0 lead in a five-game series. Why? Why did this happen to me??

On a side note, after Bautista's monster home run, he flipped his bat in a manner that, in any other sport, would have penalized his team with a technical foul or a flag for excessive celebration/taunting, and that straight up ticks me off. I never had a strong opinion of the self-proclaimed "Joey Bats," but watching him in the ALDS has sure painted him in a negative light. The dude seems like a first-class whiner and a major jerk. Watch the video. See for yourself.

#THIS. Joey Bat Flip. https://t.co/CO59JyFCsa

— MLB (@MLB) October 15, 2015

Ugh. So the Rangers are out and I hate sports... For now.

Today's disheartening outcome got me thinking about all the other horrible sports memories I've ever had. I don't know why so many bad things happen to the teams I love, but it seems to be my lot in life. If ever you think that your life is no good, just take a look at all the times I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on. Maybe it will help you realize that your life could always be worse.

The Rangers vs the A's (2012-2013)

Apparently I became a Rangers fan a couple years too late. After back-to-back World Series losses in 2010 and 2011, I visited my uncle in Frisco, Texas, in 2012 and fell in love with the team. They would go on to have successful seasons that ultimately fell apart in September, thanks in large part to the hated Oakland Athletics. The A's practically single-handedly derailed the Rangers hopes for a long postseason run in both 2012 and 2013, including an unfortunate series of events that led to the Rangers needing a tie-breaker ("Game 163") against the Tampa Bay Rays in 2013. The Rangers and Rays would face off in a play-in game that year, which meant that the winner would make it into the Wild Card game for the American League and the loser would get the walk of shame on national TV.

To make a long story short, the Rays beat the Rangers soundly and I cried myself to sleep. Not really, but I could have.

The Cubs vs everybody (especially Steve Bartman)

Back in the days of my youth, I was a big-time Chicago Cubs fan. One of my favorite baseball players of all time was the now-infamous steroid user, bat corker and skin bleacher, Sammy Sosa. I LOVED Sammy as a kid. That dude was awesome. I remember growing up watching Sammy, Mark Grace, Ryne Sandberg and the gang on WGN as Harry Carey sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"! "Who's Harry Carey?", ask the bandwagon Cubs fans of today. Psssh! Who's Harry Carey?? Just one of the most legendary broadcasters of our time! Oh yeah, the Cubs and I go way back!

As I grew older and my intellect was sharpened, I came to the reluctant acceptance of the fact that the Cubs just plain sucked. They were never good. They never won. And watching losers, lovable though they were, gets old after about 15 years. So I shifted my attention away from the Cubs and actually gave up on baseball for a few years around the time that I went on my LDS mission.

One of the most infamous moments of all, of course, was the epic failure produced by poor Steve Bartman. The Cubs were on the fast track to the World Series in 2003, up three games to two against the Florida Marlins the a best-of-seven National League Championship Series. It was game six and the Cubbies were winning, 3-0. Then this happened and all heck broke loose...


Chicago would go on to lose the series and fade from national relevance for the next 12 years. The Cubs are back in the NLCS, which will start up in a few days and I'll be backing my dear Cubbies, now that my Rangers are eliminated (if for nothing more than the potential fulfillment of Back to the Future II's 30-year-old prediction).

Also, not to brag or anything, I can truly say that I was there, watching live on MLB At Bat, for Kris Bryant's first three strikeouts, so there's that, too.

The Saints vs the Seahawks (2010)

Are you ready for some football? My New Orleans Saints certainly weren't back in 2010, when they went up against the Seattle Seahawks in the 2010 NFC Wild Card game. Oh yeah, let me remind you that these were no ordinary Seattle Seahawks - these Seattle Seahawks made the playoffs with a sub-.500 record. They lost more games than they won that year. This happened in real life. This should have been a cakewalk for the Saints, who had come a long way since their lowly days of Aaron Brooks and Ricky Williams... back when I stupidly decided to cheer for a team with a long history of being incredibly terrible. Hey - these Saints had Drew Brees, one of the best quarterbacks in the entire league, and a high-powered offense that could put up 40 points almost at will.

I never had a good feeling about this game. I felt like there was a very good possibility that the Saints would fall flat on their faces. And my mom, a lifelong Seattle fan, was watching in the room with me. It was at this time that we were introduced to something now referred to as the "Beast Quake" - a gargantuan run by Marshawn Lynch of such monumental proportions that I honestly still have flashbacks about it. Behold:


I will give the Saints props, though. They brought me my one and only championship in 2009. That was a good night. Sadly, it only lasted about four hours.

The Utes vs TCU

Why stop with professional football? Why not talk about the football game that I was most amped-up for in my entire life? I was a student at the University of Utah in 2010, when my Number Five Utes squared off against the dreaded TCU Horned Frogs, who rolled into Salt Lake City ranked Number Three. College GameDay was in town. My brother Austin and I woke up at 4:00 in the blessed A.M. to attend the live national broadcast. It felt like the freaking Super Bowl.

Until kickoff.

It didn't take TCU long to drive right down the field and score. "It can't be that bad," I thought. Then the Utes got the ball and punted. Then TCU strolled right back to the end zone and went up 14 points. It was honestly all downhill from there. The Utes got steamrolled and lost in embarrassing fashion, 47-7, for the world to see.


To this day, that was the worst football game I have ever seen. And I was there for it. The best part of the game was, sadly, my friend making a relatively obscene gesture toward the TCU fans after the Utes scored their one and only touchdown during "garbage time" in the fourth quarter. I hate TCU. Stupid Horned Frogs.

The Jazz vs Michael Jordan (1996-1998)

Michael Jordan ruined my life. Not kidding. People think I'm joking or being a baby about it, but I'm serious. Michael Jordan ruined my life.

I love the Utah Jazz more than any team in all of sports in all of the world and they made it to the NBA Finals TWO TIMES. IN A ROW. And we lost both times to stupid Michael Jordan and the stupid Chicago Bulls! I could go on and on and on about my hatred for His Airness, Phil Jackson, Dennis Rodman and the bunch, but I won't. That's another very long blog for another day.

Just watch this video and tell me that Michael Jordan didn't push off. I dare you to watch this video and tell me that Michael Jordan didn't push off.


"Michael Jordan pushed off." I'll put that on my headstone when I die.
Sports are a silly thing to get this upset about, but WE SHOULD HAVE WON THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP!!! We should have won! The Jazz will never make it back to the NBA Finals. I have come to this conclusion on my own accord and I accept it. It sucks, but I know it's true. We will never make it back to that stage. Not in today's NBA. Our glory days are over - and Michael Jordan pushed off.

Honorable mention: Karl Malone and DDP vs Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman (1996)

Because I don't want to end this blog on that sour note of hatred and disgust, I'll lighten the mood a tiny bit by mentioning the last time that I ever prayed for the outcome of a sporting event...
That's right. I prayed that Karl Malone would beat Dennis Rodman at WCW's Bash at the Beach Pay-Per-View and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Needless to say, Karl and DDP lost and I never prayed about sports ever again. It doesn't work, people. Take it from one who knows.

I take a minimal amount of solace in the fact that the Mailman got to hit the ref, Charles Robinson, with the Diamond Cutter after the match was over. Served him right. He deserved it.

What are your worst sports memories? Misery loves company in the comments section below.