Confessions: I watched "The Bachelor"

I admit: for the first time in my life, I sat down and watched a full episode of ABC's "The Bachelor."

I went home to my family's house after work last night to change my clothes before heading to the gym. My mom was watching TV. I casually asked if she was watching "The Bachelor," which I was relatively aware had debuted the night before. She responded in the affirmative. She asked if I wanted to stay for dinner after my workout. I agreed. She had me right where she wanted me.

After returning from the gym and enjoying a dinner with my family, I prepared to return to my place. As I was getting ready to go, my mom asked if I wanted to stay and watch the girls (on the show) get introduced. I didn't really want to; I'd never watched more than a few minutes of those shows every now and then (I did a little research while debating whether or not to include Mormon contestants in my list of Latter-day Saints on reality TV - that's another topic for another time). Somewhat hesitantly, I decided to stay and watch the girls meet Ben, the new Bachelor. I figured a little quality time with my mom couldn't hurt. I didn't have any other plans last night, anyway.

I sat down as the first of the women were introduced. There was a dentist from Oregon (she's definitely trying way too hard to "Keep Portland weird"). There was a chick with an odd face that had a father with ALS. A cute single mom. A... "chicken enthusiast"? Is that her job or her character on the show? I was a bit confused. These, and many, many others, began arriving via limousine to meet the handsome chap. I learned very quickly that this was the time for these women to make their first impressions. The dentist showed up with a freaking enormous flower hat on her head. It fell off as she got out of the car and she quickly put it back on. One lady showed up with - and I kid you not - a wedding invitation, as though she assumes she will be the eventual bride... or winner... or whatever the ultimate goal is on this show.

It just kept getting better and better. (And when I say "better and better," I mean "worse and worse.") A girl got out of the limo with a unicorn mask on her head. I got excited when a cute girl from Salt Lake City showed up - and then she refused to speak a word of English to the guy! She only spoke in what I assume was Russian. So weird. Another contestant showed up in pajamas, telling Ben that she hopes he is the "onesie" for her. Somebody showed up on one of those so-called "hoverboards." One girl was allergic to gluten and she showed up, ironically, carrying a basket of bread. She told Ben that she was allergic to gluten so, instead of breaking the ice, she thought they could break bread, then commencing to smash the loaves all over the pavement at his feet. There was a Texan with a pony, a social media stalker, identical twins and an insecure redhead called "Red Velvet." There was one girl that I thought was pretty cute that came out of the limo with a football behind her back (double yes!). However, things got a little weird when she hitched up her skirt, hiked the ball and said, "I knew you were a catch." Ugh. So cheesy.

All of the women had arrived and it was time for Ben to join them inside. The host, Chris Harrison, appeared for a moment to ask Ben how he was feeling. I whole-heartedly expected Ben to say, "Can I get a hug? I want to cry." Shockingly, he maintained composure. Then Harrison began a sentence that had me on the edge of my seat. "You're 26," he said before a long pause. As a 29-year-old, I hoped that Harrison would choose his next words very carefully. "Too young to find love?" he asked. I laughed. At least he didn't say Ben was running out of time or something. So apparently 26 is "young," as far as the world's standards are concerned. Good to know.

It was around this point that I asked my mom how much time was left in the show. I wanted to go home. There was an hour left. Ugh. Gosh. I stayed for the remainder of the program. This was a train wreck that I couldn't stop watching.

Once inside the mansion, the high school drama commenced as if on cue. Obviously, these contestants were generally very insecure, surrounded by 25 other gorgeous women competing for the supposed affections of one very handsome man. (Their words, not mine.) Things got even more intense when two returning contestants showed up. The new women did not find this fair at all. How dare these two returning contestants show up?! To me, that just seems sad. "Hey, look, everyone! We failed the first time around and now we're back!" That's just strange, to me. The new girls see their prior experience on the show as some kind of advantage, but I don't understand what they mean by that.

The purpose of each episode is for the women to earn a red rose from the Bachelor at the end of the night. Getting a rose means that you can move on to the next round of dates. A few of these girls would not end up getting chosen and would have to go home at the end of the episode, so that was causing a whole bunch of paranoia at the mansion. Once Ben came into the room, the girls began fighting over him and trying to steal him away for a few minutes alone. On several occasions, a contestant would interrupt Ben's conversations with one of the other girls to procure him for herself. Uh... rudeness!! The weirdest part of this segment of the show was when the rose-topped dentist from Portland grabbed Ben, took him in the other room and made him lay down on the couch to examine his teeth and interrogate him about his flossing habits. If that happened to me on a first date, I can guarantee you that I'd never want to see that girl again. I'd go straight home, block her on Facebook and then write a hilarious blog about it, however.

Can I just say... I feel so bad for this dude. Not only does he have to surround himself with this drama for however many nights or weeks or months, but he has to supposedly settle on one to be his wife at the end of it all! If that's not the practical embodiment of fire and brimstone, I'm not sure what is.

At the end of the night, a couple girls got sent packing, including "Red Velvet," who will probably go home and cry about all of her insecurities, which is unfortunate. Sadly, a couple of the weirdos ended up getting roses, including the dentist chick (WHY?!?) and a girl named Lace, who has weird teeth and also would not merit a second date after freaking out about the lack of eye contact Ben gave her during the Rose Ceremony. So much drama! How does Ben do it?

Anyway, that was pretty much what happened in "The Bachelor" premiere that I still can't believe that I sat through. Now... I have a few things to say.

First of all, I love how all of these women (on the show and across America) are falling head-over-heels for Ben, who, as nice as he is (he honestly seems like a good guy), is telling every single girl on the show that she's gorgeous and he can't wait to spend time alone with them. As my brother Cody pointed out - yes, he watched the show, too, and is as guilty as I am - if I were to tell every girl in my singles ward how beautiful she was and kiss them all on the cheek right in front over everybody, I'd be run out of town on a rail for being a player, a womanizer and a liar. Why is it acceptable for Ben to do it, but not for me? Is it his money? His looks? The fact that he's on national television? Why the double standard? I guarantee you that if I tried THAT hard to get somebody to like me, they'd never give me the time of day ever again.

Secondly, is it a requirement that, to be on this show, you have to be totally wacky? Where are the normal girls that don't frame pictures of their chickens or dump their boyfriends for a guy they've seen on TV a couple times? Honestly, people! Ben has to marry one of these crazies! I feel so bad for him! I couldn't do it! Actually, there are several reasons why I couldn't be on a show like this: the cameras, the drama, the public displays of affection, the fact that I'd know my parents would be watching this all unfold before their very eyes... But, as funny as these two hours of TV were to me, can you believe that there is a dude out there that is actually living it?? If I learned one thing from online dating, it's that, in some cases, there is a reason why people are 34 and unmarried - and that reason is that you're a crazy psycho. No offense, but... IT'S TRUE!! If they were normal, especially considering how beautiful they are on the outside, why on earth would they still be single at this point in their lives??

Thirdly, I can't help but wonder... what is life like after the show ends? When the camera leaves, the hot air balloons are deflated and the wine ceases to flow? I once asked a girl who was obsessed with traveling what would happen if she finally got married and couldn't afford to go on week-long vacations three times a year. She responded, "...I'd really miss traveling." (Insert wide-eyed emoji here.) "The Bachelor" is not real life. It is not real dating. And it is not real love. Take away the cameras, the bottom-tier celebrity status and the fortune of it all and then - maybe then - will you be able to emulate a semi-realistic dating scenario. But what happens to these girls when Ben says, "Well, honey, do you want to go, like, Redbox a movie or something? Maybe pick up some McDonald's?" Will they still truly love him then? In my opinion that is certainly not based on any extensive research of the subject, I see "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" as the fast track to a wild, three-year-long marriage. I'd assume that, in the majority of cases, I'm not far off. (Somebody back me up here.)

Lastly (and it pains me to admit it), I kind of want to watch a couple more episodes. Stay with me here. At the end of the premiere episode, they showed a few highlights of the upcoming season, which mainly included Ben and a plethora of contestants half-naked and making out in exotic locations and/or hot tubs, which is to be expected with this kind of smut, I guess, and I wouldn't watch for that, but at one point IT SHOWED A GIRL WITH A BLACK EYE!!! That wasn't a slap mark. That wasn't a claw mark. That looked like it came from a straight-up punch to the eyeball. How could you not want to watch that??

In conclusion, "The Bachelor" appears to be the most preposterous, brain-numbing, hilarious, immature, embarrassingly entertaining garbage I have seen on TV in a long time and I truly believe that it would do wonders for my self-esteem as a nearly 30-year-old bachelor (lower-case), myself. As I mentioned on social media last night, I'm single, but I'm not THAT single.

And thank Heaven for that.