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Thursday, December 19, 2019

My Thoughts After Re-watching All 10 Star Wars Movies Before 'Rise of Skywalker'

In anticipation of Star Wars: Episode IX - Rise of Skywalker (which hits theaters TONIGHT), my wife and I have carved out time to re-watch all of the previous Star Wars movies beforehand. We watched them in chronological order (in terms of the story), not in order of theatrical release, as follows:
It has been really interesting to binge the movies in this order. This was the first time I had ever weaved in Solo or Rogue One, and I'm not sure I ever watched The Force Awakens in conjunction with any of the movies previously. (I probably rewatched VII before seeing The Last Jedi in theaters, but had never included TFA as part of a marathon, to my knowledge.)

Now that I'm done with all the movies and ready to see the long-awaited Rise of Skywalker a couple times this weekend, here's what I learned about the movies that came before it:

WARNING: If you're reading this blog before you see Rise of Skywalker, please note that some of the hyperlinks contained below (mainly links to character bios) may contain MAJOR SPOILERS. Be careful out there.

Believe it or not, there are some good things about each of the prequels

I was a kid when Phantom Menace was released in theaters, so I never really had too many complaints about it. To this day, I don't think it's as bad a movie as many suggest it to be. First and foremost, I love the podracing, and I don't care what anyone says about it. I love Qui-Gonn. Young Obi-Wan is awesome (can't wait for the Disney+ series!). The lightsaber duel with Darth Maul is the best fight in the entire series. "Duel of the Fates" is one of the best movie songs of all time. Overall, it's not a completely terrible movie.


Attack of the Clones has long been my least favorite Star Wars movie. There are no bones about that. I think I remember nearly falling asleep in the theater years ago. But we see a lot of growth and change in the relationship between Anakin and Obi-Wan, building up to their falling away in Episode III, so that's good. We learned more about Jango and Boba Fett, which was kind of cool, and, uh, I guess C-3PO had some funny scenes?

Generally, Revenge of the Sith is a pretty good movie. It did a great job tying the prequels together with the original trilogy and answered some questions fans had asked for years. The fight between Yoda and Dooku was largely fan service, but it still fun to watch. The duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan was tremendous - I'd say the second best of the franchise. We finally get to see Anakin's full turn to the Dark Side, Palpatine's hideous physical transformation and were blessed with these oft-used GIFs:




The romance between Anakin and Padme is weird and gross

When young Anakin Skywalker meets Padme Amidala in The Phantom Menace, Anakin is eight years old and Padme is supposed to be 14. (Should have gone with a younger actress, in that case.) Anakin turns nine during the movie, so that's only an age gap of five years, which would be fine for two adults in the real world. In the movies, it's basically love at first sight for these two, and it's all just very sudden and kind of strange. He is literally a child, so it's gross to watch a grown-up actress immediately become romantically infatuated with him.

Upon further investigation, Jake Lloyd, who played Young Anakin would have been about 10 years old when he filmed that movie, and Natalie Portman, who portrayed Princess Amidala, was 18. That's illegal. Plus, she still looks the same in the second movie, while he has somehow grown two feet in the same time span? Heck of a growth spurt.

Episode II is where things really get awkward. The acting is so terrible. The dialogue is laughable. The romance is not believable in the slightest, from a theatrical point of view. I will admit that it mostly looks like Hayden Christensen and Portman are enjoying their time working together, but it's all so cringe-worthy. I mean... I mean... Just watch this:


Jar Jar Binks has not aged well - at all

Somehow, some way, Jar Jar didn't bother me as a kid, but now, watching as an adult, he is the most irritating character, perhaps, in the history of cinema. Also, by 2019 standards, some of his CGI is quite jarring. I hadn't noticed that until this time around. If you don't believe me, go back and watch his first scene, where he first meets Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan. It doesn't look good.

It turns out that I don't know what the prequels are even about

Something about a trade embargo or taxation? Something about the senate? Gun to my head, I truly don't think I could tell you the actual plot of any of the first three movies. I can tell you characters and who fights who and the names of planets, but I really don't have any idea what's actually happening.

Related: I literally had to Google "Who was the Phantom Menace?" the other day. It was Palpatine, not Darth Maul, by the way.

Alden Ehrenreich does a fine job as Young Han Solo

He's not a young Harrison Ford. Nobody can be. I didn't mind Solo, although it was, again, a Star Wars story that I never asked to be told. I'm not sure many people out there were begging for a Han Solo prequel, but they gave it to us anyway. After watching Solo and the original trilogy in a span of about a week, it's clear to me that Alden Ehrenreich was a perfectly fine casting choice.

Donald Glover also does a good job as Young Lando Calrissian, although I never needed to know that he was sexually attracted to robots. Like... why?

Rogue One is much better when treated as a direct prequel instead of a "spin-off"

I never needed a Death Star prequel. We all knew that the Rebels stole the secret plans way back in 1977, so it was a no-brainer how Rogue One would end. We never heard anything about any of those characters, so of course they were all going to die. When it was released in theaters, I thought it was a decent enough movie, but it just wasn't a necessary one. Seemed like a cash grab. Probably was a cash grab.

But when you watch Rogue One right before A New Hope - it's a seamless transition, really - it puts the process of stealing the plans in a very different perspective that makes the seemingly unnecessary spin-off movie feel much more important.

Also of note: The Darth Vader scene at the end of Rogue One was, is and always will be incredible.


Luke got the ultimate "glow-up" in the original trilogy

The transition from Ultimate V-Neck-wearing farm boy to legendary Jedi Master in the span of three movies is, to quote his father, "most impressive." By the time he's walking into Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi, he's dressed completely in black, Jedi mind-tricking everybody and Force-choking fools. It's awesome. There's no wonder why I idolized Luke as a boy. He's a total baller by the end of Episode VI.

Too bad they made him a bitter little baby in Episode VIII... but that's a different complaint for another blog.

Return of the Jedi is officially my favorite of the original movies

There. I said it.



It was my favorite movie as a kid for a very long time, and, now that I'm older and have the capacity to pay attention for two and a half hours at a time (if I really want to), I think I understood it better than I ever have in the past. I'm not sure I ever realized that Vader threatening to turn Leia to the Dark Side was what made Luke hack his dad's arm off. Good stuff. Also, the Ewoks are way better than the Porgs. Don't @ me.

The Force Awakens is still great

A funny thing happened one weekend in 2015. The Force Awakens was released and everybody loved it! Then, suddenly, a few days later, all the haters came out and said that it was a rip-off of A New Hope. I get the comparisons, but Star Wars fans are morons. Episode VII comes out and people hate it because it's "too similar" to the other movies, then Episode VIII comes out and they hate it because it's "not similar enough." There's no pleasing anybody these days.

I really like Poe Dameron. He's funny and he's cool. Rey was an interesting new character. I loved seeing Old Han and Chewie back on the Millennium Falcon. Ah, the nostalgia. Kylo Ren was an intriguing new villain; he's a Vader copycat and he loves to throw tantrums, and, as the kids say, "I'm here for it." Plus, his character design is slick and looks great.



But he never should have taken off his helmet. I swear, when I first saw him with his helmet off in the theater, I wanted to yell, "Put it back on!" Masked Kylo is a million times greater than unmasked Kylo.

We also got this guy:



I knew they were going to kill off one of the Big Three (Luke, Leia or Han) in The Force Awakens. I thought it would be Luke, but guessed wrong. They had Kylo Ren kill his father, Han Solo, which was basically the most heart-wrenching, despicable thing that he ever could have done. If ever a Star Wars death might have made me cry, Han would have been the one. I didn't cry. But I was devastated. In retrospect, it was completely the right choice. Kylo needed to do something that the audience wouldn't forgive him for, and killing off the legendary outlaw Han Solo was it. Great choice.

Now if they go ahead and let Kylo redeem himself by joining Rey at the end of Rise of Skywalker, I'll be furious. (They will. It's going to happen, and it was telegraphed the entire time. Shouldn't come as a shock if/when it takes place.)

The Last Jedi... STILL SUCKS

Rian Johnson ruined Star Wars and I'll probably never forgive him for it. My list of complaints goes on and on, and it's just as bad as I dreaded it would be after all these years. I'm going to write an entire blog about it, in fact, so I'll spare your eyes from more reading for now.

Overall thoughts, impressions and rankings

It was an interesting experience watching all 10 of these movies in succession. I noticed a lot of good things and I noticed a lot of bad things. There were characters that I appreciated more than I ever have in the past (Yoda), as well as characters for whom my dislike grew stronger (Episode II Anakin and Padme).

I've recently wondered: how many of the Star Wars movies are truly "great"? After watching all of them, here's how I've decided to rank all 10 films (in order, separated by overall quality):

GREAT MOVIES:
  • Return of the Jedi
  • The Force Awakens
  • A New Hope
  • The Empire Strikes Back
GOOD MOVIES:
  • Revenge of the Sith
  • Rogue One
DECENT MOVIES:
  • Solo
  • The Phantom Menace
REALLY BAD MOVIES:
  • Attack of the Clones (unintentionally bad)
  • The Last Jedi (giant middle finger to the audience)

All in all, I'm just ready for the "Skywalker Saga" to be over. As I'll explain in my blog about The Last Jedi, I think they've dug themselves a really big pit that they're going to have to crawl their way back out of in Episode IX. I'm ready for new stories and new characters. Give me more stuff like "The Mandalorian" or the "Jedi: Fallen Order" video game - "Star Wars stories" all the same, but without some of these washed-up characters we've been stuck with, in some cases, for ten movies.

It pains me to admit, because I love the franchise very much, but I can easily say that this is the least excited that I have ever been for opening weekend of a Star Wars movie. The early Rotten Tomatoes score and articles saying some aspects of Episode IX are going to make fans mad aren't helping, either (I won't hyperlink to either of those things because of potential spoilers). However, I remain cautiously optimistic that there will be some things that I may like and that this trilogy can be saved from the dark abyss created by the ultimate villain, director Rian Johnson.


***

What are your thoughts? Did you have a Star Wars marathon to prepare for Episode IX, too? Have your opinions changed over the years about any characters, story arcs or plot points? Let's have a nice little chat in the comments section below, on Twitter (@atownmania and @sottunderground) or on Facebook.

May the Force be with you.

Always.
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Location: The Underground, Jive City, USA

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