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Monday, April 9, 2018

WrestleMania 34 recap and review


Once again, I watched WrestleMania so that you wouldn't have to. But you might as well have. Because it would have been free. But hey. You know. Whatever. With no further ado and no more gilding the lilly, let's break down, recap and review each of the matches for what was a stacked card and was intended to be the Super Bowl of professional wrestling. Here we go:


Matt Hardy wins the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

  • Recap: Overall, pretty standard for a battle royal match, but my original pick to win, Matt Hardy, ended up winning in the best way possible - by teaming with Bray Wyatt, who he recently... DELETED... in the hilarious "Ultimate Deletion" match two weeks ago. Bray illegally entered the match in its closing moments and saved Hardy from elimination, then greeted Hardy with a handshake and a hug after the bell. I've been hoping for these two to team up for a while, so I couldn't be happier.
  • SotT prediction: Elias (did not participate/late scratch from the card)
  • Grade: A

Cedric Alexander def. Mustafa Ali to win the WWE Cruiserweight Championship

  • Recap: A good match for the cruiserweight division, featuring two "face" characters (good guys) who mutually respect each other. Lots of high-flying action, as anticipated, but nothing totally jaw dropping.
  • SotT prediction: N/A
  • Grade: B

Naomi wins the WrestleMania Women's Battle Royal

  • Recap: It looked like an NXT takeover in the women's battle royal, as a bunch of women I genuinely have never seen teamed up to take out a lot of the big names from the main roster. As expected, the match came down to a showdown between Sasha Banks and Bayley, resulting in Bayley suckering Sasha in for a handshake, then unexpectedly throwing her over the top rope. It's another step in the direction of a heel turn for Bayley, which is entirely stupid because there isn't a mean bone in her entire body. However, Bayley failed to realize that Naomi had not been eliminated and Naomi quickly made Bayley "feel the glow" with a Rear View and a swift elimination. I never really care for those moments where a superstar plays possum for most of the match and comes back at the very end, so I wasn't a fan of this ending.
  • SotT prediction: Sonya DeVille
  • Grade: C

Seth Rollins def. The Miz and Finn Balor to win the Intercontinental Championship

  • Recap: The trio traded finishers back and forth for a good deal of the match, which was fun. Rollins nailed back-to-back Curb Stomps on Balor and The Miz before picking up a surprising pinfall victory.
  • SotT prediction: The Miz
  • Grade: B
  • Best Spots: The Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale from the top rope, Balor hits the Coup de Grace on top of both opponents, Rollins tunes up the band before hitting the final Curb Stomp

Charlotte Flair def. Asuka to retain the SmackDown! Women's Championship

  • Recap: Both women showed off their athleticism with numerous reversals and counters and submission holds. Charlotte began bleeding from the arm mid-way through the match. The injury to her arm led to some (scripted) difficulty and, ultimately, a one-armed bridge into the Figure Eight lock, at which point Asuka tapped out, ending her 514-day undefeated streak. This was perhaps the most surprising WrestleMania moment since Brock Lesnar beat the Undertaker.
  • SotT prediction: Asuka
  • Grade: A
  • Best Spots: Charlotte comes out to Ric Flair's music, Asuka suplexes Charlotte off the ring apron, Charlotte takes Asuka from a spin with a backflip suplex off the top turnbuckle, "Charlotte was ready for Asuka!"
  • WrestleMania Moment: Asuka taps out for her first loss

John Cena update

As Charlotte celebrated on her way back up the ramp, a referee could be seen booking it to ringside. He immediately rushed to John Cena, who was sitting at ringside and told him something that Cena didn't appear to believe. However, after some coaxing, Cena hopped the barrier and sprinted up the ramp, past a bewildered Charlotte and backstage. Could the Undertaker be in the house?

Jinder Mahal def Randy Orton, Bobby Roode and Rusev to win the United States Championship

  • Recap: As Fatal Four-way matches go, this one was generic, at best. Each wrestler got in their finishers, including a flurry of RKOs from Orton, but Mahal capitalized on a distraction by Sunil Singh, then hit the Khallas on Rusev for the 1-2-3. I've been a Jinder apologist for most of his push, but this was probably the worst possible outcome for this match. WWE had a perfect opportunity to blow the roof off of the Superdome if Rusev had won, but they went with Jinder who is the least popular and least likable of the four.
  • SotT prediction: Rusev
  • Grade: C
  • Best Spots: Randy RKOs English/Rusev/Mahal in rapid succession, crowd goes nuts for Rusev Day

"Rowdy" Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle def Stephanie McMahon and Triple H

  • Recap: The last time Ronda Rousey was in a competitive ring was December 30, 2016. You wouldn't have known that by watching this match. All four competitors did not show any signs of ring rust, which was a concern going into WrestleMania. Triple H and Stephanie were the consummate villains, working well together and coming off as cocky, arrogant and above-the-rules. The match was booked wonderfully, keeping Angle in the ring and away from making a tag to Rousey for as long as possible. When Rousey did enter the ring, she looked surprisingly good, blasting Stephanie with power moves and a flurry of MMA punches and sending the crowd into a frenzy. McMahon blocked Rousey's initial attempts at an armbar and broke the hold with a rake to the eyes. However, she found herself unable to make a tag to her husband as he lay prostrate at ringside. This forced Stephanie to stay in the ring, but allowed her to get in some offense and forcing Rousey to play some defense. Triple H and Stephanie continued to bend the rules and take cheap shots, while Angle and Rousey both took a physical beating. One of Rousey's knees was visibly skinned and Angle ended the match with a black eye. Both duos hit tandem finishers before all was said and done, but it was Rousey who finally got Stephanie to tap with an absolutely vicious armbar. I'll be honest - I doubted Rousey from the very beginning, but she (and the other three, too) looked fantastic. Rousey's offense was impressive and she showed some actual wrestling prowess throughout. This match was quite a surprise to me, so color me "impressed" by Rousey's WWE debut.
  • SotT prediction: Rousey and Angle
  • Grade: A
  • Best Spots: Stephanie takes cheap shots before the bell, Rousey dominates with fast-paced offense, Triple H pulls the ref from the ring while counting a potential pinfall, Rousey squares up on Triple Angle's German Suplex combination, the teams trade tandem finishers, Stephanie looks horrified as Rousey snaps in the final armbar
  • WrestleMania Moment: Rousey dazzles with her in-ring debut

The Bludgeon Brothers def The Usos and The New Day to win the SmackDown! Tag Team Championship

  • Recap: First and foremost, what on earth happened during The New Day's entrance? Dancing pancake people?!? Wow. This match was a combination of power (Bludgeon Brothers), speed (Usos) and charisma (New Day). It was quick and unremarkable, and the freaking Bludgeon Brothers won the titles. Are. You. Kidding. This was a filler match, at best, that did not do justice to the remarkable year that The Usos and The New Day had. Total letdown.
  • SotT prediction: The Usos
  • Grade: D
  • Best Spots: Pancake midgets!! Xavier's afro. That was about it.

John Cena update:

Cena came out to the ring, only to be met by a referee who appeared to inform the 16-time WWE champion that the Undertaker was not here. As Cena got back out of the ring, the lights went out momentarily. However, Cena was met by Elias (who I really like). But this is the botch of botches. They just wasted a month of tremendous Cena promos only for the Undertaker not to show up at all. Elias was understandably greeted by deafening boos, and I can't blame the fans. This makes Undertaker look like an absolute yellow-bellied coward. Elias got in the ring and serenaded the fans until Cena got back in the ring and flattened The Drifter in less than a minute. The crowd continued chanting for Taker as Cena's music hit. A dejected Cena walked back up the ramp, when his music cut off, the lights turned out and Undertaker's coat and hat appeared in the middle of the ring. Phony lightning struck, the ring gear disappeared, and THE GONG HIT. The Elias segment totally sucked, but it looks like we've got ourselves a match.

The Undertaker def John Cena

  • Recap: Undertaker came out swinging, literally moving the fastest I've seen him go in like six years. This apparently was not the geriatric Undertaker of the past several WrestleManias. The match was booked to make Taker look like he's not messing around, but, to me, it looked like what they did for Goldberg when they brought him back a year and a half ago: keep it short, keep it quick - a borderline "squash match" - but the reality is that the dude is 53 years old and doesn't have the stamina to do what he once did. Cena got in one, maybe two offensive maneuvers, but Undertaker nailed a big chokeslam and the Tombstone Piledriver to pick up the win. I honestly think Taker's entrance was longer than the actual match. If only we could have seen these two fight at WrestleMania in their primes...
  • SotT prediction: The Undertaker
  • Grade: D
  • Best Spots: Undertaker sits up during the Five Knuckle Shuffle and Cena falls down in fear


Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon def Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn

  • Recap: Owens and Zayn began the match with a sneak attack from behind, followed up by a brutal beating outside the ring. Owens powerbombed Bryan onto the ring apron, sidelining the returning fan favorite and forcing McMahon to start the match, 2-on-1. The commentators really played up what were purported to be real-life injuries for McMahon, which caught up to him in the ring, leading to a beatdown from Kevin and Sami as Bryan was being attended to my medics. Bryan eventually returned to the match, got the hot tag and hit all of his classic spots, which was great to see. He's had a long road to recovery and he deserves mountains of success. Bryan slapped the Yes! Lock on Zayn to make him tap, which means that Owens and Zayn have now been officially fired from SmackDown! Live. Time will tell whether they get picked up by Raw in the next couple weeks. It would not surprise me to see them show up in Kurt Angle's office tomorrow night.
  • SotT prediction: Owens and Zayn
  • Grade: B
  • Best Spots: Owens shouting ("Money, money, money, money ain't gonna save you now!" "You should have stayed retired!"), Shane hits Coast to Coast on Zayn from the opposite turnbuckle, Bryan gets the hot tag and hits KO/Zayn with alternating turnbuckle dropkicks, the Yes! Kicks, 
  • WrestleMania Moment: Daniel Bryan receives a huge ovation from the WWE Universe

Nia Jax def Alexa Bliss to win the Raw Women's Championship

  • Recap: Nia did the smart thing by immediately incapacitating Alexa's new best friend, Mickie James, as soon as the match started. From there, we got the typical antics from the champion - taking cheap shots, trying to run away with her belt and whining to the ref. That's part of what I like about Bliss' character. Her tantrums are the best. After several emotional moments, Nia took Alexa up to the middle rope and dropped her former friend to win her first Women's Championship. This was not the best match for either of the women, but will hopefully mark the end of their storylines together.
  • SotT prediction: Alexa retains and loses to Carmella on a Money in the Bank cash-in
  • Grade: C
  • Best Spots: Nia and Alexa scream at each other, Twisted Bliss to the outside, Nia's Samoan Drop off the middle turnbuckle

AJ Styles def Shinsuke Nakamura to retain the WWE Championship

  • Recap: The tensions had reached a boiling point. The Superdome crowd was buzzing. The "dream match" was underway. The optimistic way to look at this match would be "methodical and calculated." The pessimistic way to look at it would be "slow." They're both very precise, technical fighters, which is impressive, but sometimes approaching a match that way can be a slow burn for viewers. Mid-way through the match, the crowd seemed a bit bored. I thought I heard them singing a chorus of "Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Goodbye." Perhaps a fan got ejected from the arena or something. After a back-and-forth battle, Styles hit his finisher and rolled Shinsuke over for the pinfall. The bout wound up being much more boring than it should have been. Too bad. I really thought that fight would have brought the house down. After the match, Styles and Nakamura embraced in the ring and Nakamura presented the title to Styles on one knee... then hit him with a low blow! He would later hit a Kinshasa knee strike on the outside of the ring before retreating back up the ramp. Ladies and gentlemen, Nakamura has turned heel!
  • SotT prediction: AJ Styles
  • Grade: B
  • Best Spots: Styles counters the Kinshasa into the Styles Clash, Nakamura heel turn!

Braun Strowman and ??? def The Bar to win the Raw Tag Team Championship

  • Recap: Well, we finally found out who Braun Strowman's tag team partner was. And it was... some random little boy from the crowd? Really? Essentially, this made the match a handicap match because, despite the crowd's chants of "We want Nicholas!", there was no way that little kid was... wait a second - Braun just tagged the kid in! I HOPE HIS PARENTS SIGNED A WAIVER!!! Oh. He tagged back out immediately. Strowman hit a Powerslam and, um, I guess won the tag championship? I'm not sure what I'm witnessing here. Hey Vince, you've got a 10-year-old kid to hire. Are they going to bring him to Raw tomorrow night? This is a cool gesture, but um... What is this nonsense? It would have been better if Curt Hawkins was the partner. It would have been better if he just won by himself. Who came up with this idea? I didn't think there could possibly be a match worse than the Undertaker match, but I think they just proved me wrong.
  • SotT prediction: The Bar
  • Grade: F
  • Best Spots: Braun scares away the Mardi Gras characters, the crowd chants for Nicholas


Brock Lesnar def Roman Reigns to retain the WWE Universal Championship

  • Recap: I was getting tired before this match even started. Despite my best efforts to barricade myself away from interruptions, I still had to watch Mania delayed and it was 11 PM by the time this fight started. This is a long dang event and it lost momentum several matches ago. The proverbial natives were growing restless, as well; they began chanting "C-M-Punk!" just minutes into this one. CM Punk hasn't been in this company for YEARS. Get over it, people. Back to the match. Roman took an early trip to Suplex City. When all was said and done, Brock landed six German Suplexes and a slew of belly-to-bellies, so he took quite a pummeling. These two looked totally unsafe out there during some stretches of the match. That's always a concern whenever Lesnar involved. The way they were throwing each other around those announce tables looked legitimately dangerous. Roman hit a couple spears, but the crowd felt totally disengaged. They were cheering and booing things that had nothing to do with the action in the ring. Roman kicked out of four F-5s. The crowd continued to boo things that we could not see on-screen. Lesnar shouted the F-word and the Network had to censor it. I believe the crowd finally started the "BOR-ING" chant. An F-5 through one of the announce tables. RIP. Paul Heyman continually shouted for Brock to finish Roman off. The crowd chanted "This is awful." Roman got busted open BAD. Wow. He is really leaking from the head. This is the most blood on WWE programming in years. Roman hit a couple spears, but Brock countered one into a final F-5 and, believe it or not, Brock Lesnar retained his freaking championship. WHY?!? It's amazing that watching Brock retain is somehow more disappointing than Roman actually winning it. Just... wow. As one Twitter user put it, "The fans riot if Reigns wins because they don't want him at the top, they riot if he loses because they don't want a part-time champion. Absolutely never satisfied." He's not wrong there.
  • SotT prediction: Roman Reigns
  • Grade: D
  • Best Spots: Suplex City. And... that's about it.


NOTES


  • What was up with those terrible on-screen effects during some of the entrances (just Asuka and New Day, I think)? Absolutely terrible. Which millennial intern is responsible?
  • Both Royal Rumble winners lost their WrestleMania matches. Semi-weird.
  • Lots of title changes - just not the ones I was anticipating.
  • No cash-in from Carmella. It has been 295 days since she won the briefcase. She may hold onto that thing until the end of time, at this point.
  • Brock Lesnar is never going to lose that title. Never. Like, at this point, who is going to beat him?
  • My predictions were way off. I went 3-10, not including the Cruiserweight match that I didn't pick. Yikes. Not good.


AWARDS

Best Entrance: Shinsuke Nakamura
Best Match: As much as it pains me to say, I think it was Ronda Rousey.
Worst Match: Braun Strowman and Nicholas, with Undertaker/Cena coming in at a close second.
Biggest Surprises: Asuka tapping out, Shinsuke's low blow, how bored the audience was for the final hour and a half of the show
Probably the second or third best thing that happened: John Cena being a regular fan in the audience for the first hour of the show

Overall Grade: C


Well... there's always next year, I guess. I had really been looking forward to WrestleMania 34. I thought things were going pretty well, actually, at some point during the show. But somewhere, somehow, probably starting with the Bludgeon Brothers actually winning a match for once, everything went gradually, steadily and speedily downhill. The Undertaker match sucked hardcore. The Daniel Bryan match was ok, but not as good as it could have been. Nia and Alexa were lackluster. The so-called "Dream Match"... I mean, those two have put on better matching on SmackDown!, for crying out loud. The Nicholas thing was a total fiasco. And seriously. This was their chance to finally crown Roman and take this part-timing bum Brock Lesnar off our hands. The dude shows up for work like seven times a year, if we're lucky, and now we're stuck with him for the foreseeable future. Ugh. What a waste. It could have been such a good PPV, too. WWE better have some aces in the hole for the typically raucous "Raw After WrestleMania." They've dug themselves a huge hole with some of this stuff. Man...




I'm going to bed.

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