Is 'Hobbs & Shaw' an enjoyable stand-alone movie?

"The Land Before Time" sequels. Dungeons & Dragons. "Hello Kitty." Ugg boots. Math 1060. These are all things that I know exist, but I can't tell you a single thing about them.

Here's another one: the "Fast & the Furious" franchise. I know that it's out there and I know that they're still spitting out movies, but my vast knowledge of popular culture barely scrapes the surface of Vin Diesel's greatest contribution to society. Let's break it down.

Here is every single thing I knew about the "Fast & the Furious" franchise on August 6, 2019:

• For starters, I saw "2 Fast 2 Furious" twice (ironically) in high school because I worked at a movie theater when it came out and I didn't have to pay either time. I swear, I only went the second  time because one of my friends asked really nicely. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest, most profanity-laced movies I have ever seen. Collectively, those were five hours of my life that I can never get back.
• I knew that the movies are typically filled with fancy cars, scantily clad women and ludicrous heists. (That's a pun because I remember that Ludacris was in "2 Fast 2 Furious.") But yeah, I guess that's what they do in these shows, right? They... steal stuff in their fancy cars?
• Many moons ago, I was talked into Redboxing "Fast Five," I think. Whichever one The Rock was introduced in. Other than that, I don't remember anything about it.
• They love talking about "family."
• Paul Walker died just before the seventh movie. There is some scene at the end that, I guess, made some people cry.
• I watched the end of "The Fast & the Furious (1)" a couple years ago. I didn't recall it being particularly good.
• Long story short (too late), I randomly got a free digital copy of "The Fate of the Furious (8)" a year or two ago. I have never watched a second of it, but I know that it's sitting in my VUDU.
• The debut trailer for the first F&F spin-off, "Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw," looked like a heck of a lot of fun. I think it aired as a 2019 Super Bowl commercial. I knew that Hobbs and Shaw were both villains in previous films, once upon a time, but it looked like they'd both turned good for the new movie. I assumed that they really hate each other. By the looks of it, they'd reluctantly work together to stop the self-proclaimed "Black Superman," Idris Elba.

• Last week, I saw that there was a marathon of many of the previous F&F movies on USA and SyFy. I recorded as many as I could find (I think I got 1 through 5) to see if it was worth binge-watching them all before potentially checking out the spin-off.
• The other day, I watched a nine-minute video recap of all F&F movies leading up to "Hobbs & Shaw," which I suppose was enlightening to some extent, but I couldn't repeat back to you any of what I learned, even if you offered to pay me.
• Last Friday night, I attempted to live-tweet "The Fast & the Furious (1)." I fell asleep before the movie was over because it was so unbearably bad. Again, I can confidently say that it is probably one of the worst movies (quality-wise) that I have ever seen. Would not recommend. Would not watch again.

That's it. That's all I knew before about 6:15 last night. Recently, my brother had asked me on several occasions to go see "Hobbs & Shaw" with him, and a $5 ticket to see it in IMAX on Tuesday night was too good an offer for me to pass up.

Still, one resounding question burned in my mind like a face full of exhaust from a 1969 Camaro:

• Would I be able to enjoy a Fast & the Furious spin-off movie, considering my truly minimal familiarity with the franchise? Could "Hobbs & Shaw" be an enjoyable stand-alone movie?

I'll give it to you straight, my friends:

Heck yeah, I enjoyed it.

From this point on, I'm going to try to keep things mostly spoiler-free, but I'm going to leave this warning here, just in case you want to go into "Hobbs & Shaw" completely blind.

"Hobbs & Shaw" follows Luke Hobbs (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) and Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) in their mission to stop a technologically and mechanically enhanced villain (played by Idris Elba) from unleashing a biochemical virus that would turn humans' internal organs to jelly. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I explained that right. I mean, it's completely preposterous from top to bottom, right from the start.

It turns out that one of my assumptions about the plot was right: they do really hate each other. Due to their clashing personalities, they struggle to work together to achieve their common goal. The movie kicks off by highlighting and contrasting those differences - The Rock's punch-through-problems attitude and Statham's suave British style - in a fun and frenzied beat-'em-up montage. Right away, I knew this movie was going to be totally chaotic and utterly silly.

Elba's character is an imposing force - and one of the better, cooler on-screen bad guys in recent memory - made seemingly unstoppable by his natural physique and robotic enhancements. He's not a superhero, but the man is practically super-human; it turns out that the whole "Black Superman" brag is not unreasonable.

Things go a awry early on and Hobbs and Shaw are framed for an act of terrorism, causing them to take a more covert approach to their quest. The movie jaunts across the globe to several jaw-dropping locations, including London, Moscow and a couple other destinations that I won't mention here. It's a gorgeous-looking movie and it was real nice in IMAX.

I'm not sure how seriously the other F&F movies take themselves, but "Hobbs & Shaw" established a completely over-the-top nature immediately. I'm not sure how many physicists or medical experts plan on seeing this movie, but I can't imagine they'll be pleased with the logic of any of it. I am neither scientist nor doctor and therefore couldn't have cared less about the reality of it all. You've got to know what you're getting yourself into here. It's explosive, it's wild, and it's not even slightly realistic.

The term "unapologetic self-awareness" came to mind as I took it all in. There were jokes in the dialogue about The People's Eyebrow, The Rock's propensity for wearing form-fitting clothing, Statham's role in "The Italian Job" and a slew of additional Easter eggs and jokes that came within a sliver of breaking the Fourth Wall. That stuff had me cracking up throughout most of the 2-hour-17-minute run time. It was as if "Hobbs & Shaw" was continuously winking into the proverbial camera, letting viewers in on the joke that THIS IS JUST A MOVIE. While I understand that that type of humor isn't for everyone, I thought that sense of outrageousness made the everything even more fun to watch.

Let it be known that not everything works. Some of the CGI was a bit suspect (but who cares?), one action scene early in the movie involving an interrogation room and a chair looked totally hokey (but who cares?) and, most egregiously, there was one bit of dialogue that leaned much too heavily on a character comedically lowering the pitch of his voice in order to sound more masculine; we saw that exact gag a year ago in "Avengers: Infinity War." I wasn't going to get bent out of shape about any of that, though. Just know, heading into it, that it's a silly movie that should not be - and does not want to be - taken seriously.

"Hobbs & Shaw" felt like a very long movie, but it never seemed slow and I was never even remotely bored. Furthermore, despite several references to previous movies in the franchise, I never felt lost out-of-the-loops. Surely, a couple moments would probably have been more meaningful to me if I had spent the better part of two decades watching these movies, but any references to previous plot points were almost always said in passing.

Another thing to keep in mind before hitting the theaters with the family is that there is quite a bit of adult language throughout. While the cumulative amount of swear words pales in comparison to "2 Fast 2 Furious," there are a ton a few references to male anatomy (some more obvious and explicit than others, and they taper off about half-way through), there's no shortage of terms like "S.O.B." and other similar British terms, and there is one (simultaneously uttered) use of the F-word, as well as another one that is not heard but pretty clearly mouthed through a pane of glass. So... this maybe wouldn't be a great show to recommend to Mama.

As the credits began to roll and my brother and I began to share our thoughts, I turned to him and asked him what his least favorite part of the movie was. He took the words right out of my mouth: sometimes, the dialogue was very difficult to understand. I am not positive whether this was because the movie is just generally very noisy, because some of the foreign accents were so thick, or a combination of the two, but there were a couple scenes where I literally had no idea what they were talking about. For instance, the use of permanent vocal distortion is used for one character, making anything they said rather tricky to decipher.

Quick side note: Speaking of "credits," there are two mid-credits scenes and one post-credits scene at the very end. They are generally played off for laughs and are not entirely consequential to the plot.

My brother asked me what my favorite part of the movie was. That was tough to pin down because there were a lot of really fun action scenes that I genuinely enjoyed. Unlike what I know about previous F&F films, H&S is not a heist movie. I'd classify it as more of an action/spy thriller - a ridiculous mix of the best parts of the "Mission: Impossible" and James Bond films. This movie was actually quite similar to the feel of "Mission: Impossible - Fallout," which I also thoroughly enjoyed seeing on in IMAX. Statham and Johnson's physical comedy was hilarious and I loved their quirky-yet-compatible chemistry. Those are two guys - and Elba, too - that I would not want to pick a fight with. It was just sheer brutality - non-stop, wall-to-wall action - and it was a blast to watch.

I also liked seeing my boy Roman Reigns (The Rock's actual cousin) in a supporting role late in the movie. It's good to see The Big Dog getting some love outside of WWE's "squared circle." He seems like a good guy in real life, no matter what pro wrestling fans think of his persona on TV, so I'm happy that he got the opportunity. I also recognized one of the other actors, who I realized after the movie was a lead character from the TV show "Fear the Walking Dead." I knew he looked familiar. There are also a couple other surprising cameos which I will not spoil here. They came as quite a shock to me, and you'll know who I'm talking about as soon as you see them.

Watching "Hobbs & Shaw" reminded me a lot of the time that my brother and I saw (and loved) "Kong: Skull Island," an equally preposterous CGI extravaganza. I knew "Skull Island" wasn't going to win the Oscar for Best Picture, but heck if I wasn't entertained. "Hobbs & Shaw" was similar in many ways. It's probably not even going to be nominated for any major awards, but it's just pure, adrenaline-riddled chaos, from start to finish. More than anything, it was a great excuse for me to take a break, kick back, relax and turn my brain off for a couple hours.

The Verdict:

Do you need to have an extensive knowledge of the Fast franchise before watching the spin-off?: No.

Is the movie a believable representation of the limits of the human body and/or man's extensive knowledge of science and physics? Heck no.

Did I like it anyway?: Heck yes.

Would I recommend it to my parents?: Unlikely.

Would I see it again in theaters?: Yes.

Knee-jerk star rating: 7 or 8 out of 10 stars.

Final Thoughts:

Admittedly, I went into this movie with very, very low expectations. I figured I may not totally understand the complexities of Hobbs and Shaw being forced to work together and some (if not most) of the plot may go over my head. I didn't think it was going to be great, but I thought I could have fun if I went in with an open mind. To the logical mind, the plot is total and abject nonsense, but I don't go to the theater looking to find flaws like that. It's just a movie. It's fiction. It's not real, people. For the mere sake of its tremendous entertainment value, I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone who is seeking a temporary reprieve from the chaos of current events, regardless of their familiarity with the pre-existing "Fast & Furious" franchise.

Take it from a guy who knew next-to-nothing about these movies beforehand: "Hobbs & Shaw" was a heck of a ride, a pleasant surprise and, unlike two of the movies that came before it, a movie that I am not ashamed to have seen.

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Have you seen "Hobbs & Shaw"? What did you think? Are you a long-standing fan of these movies in the first place? Let us know in the comments below, on Facebook, Twitter or via carrier pigeon. We'd love to hear from you!