The Last Jedi is, without a doubt, the worst
Star Wars movie ever made. I know everybody dunks on the prequels, but here's the difference between those movies and
Episode VIII: the prequels were unintentionally bad. They had good intentions and they meant well, but they just fell short of everybody's expectations.
The Last Jedi was something else altogether.
Episode VIII was something far more sinister than Senator Palpatine could ever fathom. Yes,
The Last Jedi was a gigantic, purposeful and deliberate middle finger to the entire fan base. Screw your fan theories. Forget everything you thought you knew! Darth Lord Rian Johnson showed up back in 2017 and tarnished everything you wanted to see in a new-age
Star Wars movie.
Don't believe me? Heaven forbid you disagree with me! Here. Take my hand, and let's go for a little walk down memory lane as we revisit
TEN THINGS I STILL HATE ABOUT THE LAST JEDI.
10. The Casino Planet, the Code Breaker and animal cruelty
The detour to the Casino planet was a complete waste of time. Finn and Rose are sent there to search for a man with the ability to crack the First Order's defense systems. He's a rich guy and he hangs out with arms dealers, so they head to the casino in hopes of tracking him down. After 15 minutes or so of them wandering around with some cheap laughs for BB-8, they get arrested for a parking violation and thrown in jail. While they're in jail, they meet a stuttering Benicio Del Toro, who also happens to possess the skill to hack the supposedly impenetrable code. This prompts the question: why did they even go to that planet in the first place? Why couldn't they have saved the audience time and just bumped into that guy in some slums or a dark alley?
Another major irritant about this section of the movie is that Rose goes off on her anti-war, anti-animal cruelty tirade. Of course, there are some ethical dilemmas when it comes to any kind of violence, and it is never right to abuse animals - but was this really the right venue to make such a statement?
"It was worth it, though," Finn says of his time at the casino. "To tear up that town, make 'em hurt."
Rose unlatches the saddle from the animal that helped them escape and responds, "Now it's worth it."
Give me a break.
Whether done on purpose or not, I believe that this brief interaction between the so-called "Code Breaker" and one of his female companions is a great illustration to depict the relationship between fans, asking normal, totally logical questions about
The Last Jedi, and the way director Rian Johnson approached the film - with absolute self-righteousness and complete disregard for the viewers:
9. Leia channels her inner "Mary Poppins"
One of the earliest problems I have with
The Last Jedi comes a surprising 31 minutes into the film. From my recollection, I thought this moment came later on, but no! It's merely a quarter of the way through the movie. After an attack from the First Order, General Leia Organa's ship is fired upon and she is blasted into space. For a moment, she floats there in the darkness, seemingly devoid of life. It appeared to be a sad yet serene farewell to Carrie Fisher's character; she died nearly a year to the day before the theatrical release of
Episode VIII, and Leia's fate was the center of much conversation leading up to the movie, with fans curious as to how her real-life death would affect her character's story.
But a moment later, Leia's hand twitches. Her fingers stretch out. And her eyes open. Then, as if propelled by some mystical force -
THE Force - the princess jets through space with ease and the utmost grace, returning safely to an undamaged section of the ship she just got knocked out of. Cool. We go to see Leia use the Force for a moment. But what the heck was that?! Since when does becoming a Jedi make you immune to the vacuum of space?? If anything, it was more humorous than it was awe-inspiring.
8. The failure to kill off Leia
Along those lines comes my frustration with Johnson's refusal to kill Leia off. As I mentioned, Carrie Fisher died on December 26, 2016.
Episode VIII was released on December 15, 2017. I understand that most of the movie was already shot and they may have even wrapped up most of production before the cherished actress passed away - and I don't mean to make light of that situation - but they surely would have had time to do a quick re-write, if even just to add in a line at the end of the movie saying something like, "We'll sure miss General Organa. She's just boarded a ship for a reconnaissance mission to a distant planet." But they kept her alive through the end of the movie, which means that JJ Abrams will have to wrap that stuff up in
Episode IX.
And it's not like they didn't have
multiple opportunities to write her out of the story, either! First and foremost, they could have had Leia die in the attack I mentioned above. Best-case scenario, they could have had Kylo Ren double down and pull the trigger to kill off his mother to go along with what he did to Han in
The Force Awakens. Instead, Kylo hesitates and another First Order ship took the shot. Having the spaceman formerly known as Ben Solo REALLY would have made him the despicable villain that this franchise so often truly lacks. Missed opportunity.
Heck, even if they wanted to give Leia her little Mary Poppins moment, they could have done it, shown that she did, indeed, have great Force sensitivity, then have her die in the emergency wing of the ship. "We regret to inform you that General Organa didn't make it." Simple! They didn't do that either, though, instead opting for her to stay in a coma for a while before re-emerging with nary a physical sign that any harm was done to her in the first place. She walks with a cane at the end of the movie, and that's it.
Another option would have been to put her on a transport ship with a bunch of "redshirts," as opposed to the ship she actually boarded, which contained most of the other main characters, and have Kylo and his minions blow that ship out of the sky.
Yet another option would have been to have Leia make the controversial sacrifice that Vice Admiral Holdo ended up making (which I'll get to in a second). That would have been a heroic way to go, but that didn't happen.
The final option I'll give here is that she could have been taken out in the final battle - again, preferably by her son, Kylo Ren, but she escapes with the remaining Rebels and lives to see another movie. We'll learn her ultimate fate in
Rise of Skywalker, with footage that allegedly was all recorded for scenes that ended up getting cut from
The Last Jedi.
I'll say it one final time: they should have killed off Leia and kept Luke around for
Episode IX.
7. Holdo's sudden switch
From the moment we met Vice Admiral Holdo, the purple-haired stiff on Leia's staff, we weren't supposed to like her. She immediately set herself at odds with Poe Dameron, who she condescendingly referred to as "fly boy," among other things. She doesn't seem like a nice lady at all, and she goes out of her way to stop Poe from attempting any type of rescue effort, even going so far as to pull a gun on him at one point.
All the while, we're cheering for Poe to figure out a way to help the Resistance, but, at every turn, he is thwarted by Holdo, who refuses to explain herself to the hero pilot. Later in the film, when Leia returns to consciousness from her fairy dust-induced coma, the princess-general explains to Poe that Holdo was... apparently a good guy the entire time?!?
The Effie Trinket wannabe abruptly transforms her trademark scowl into a smile. She gets all touchy-feely with Leia, they start finishing each other's sentences (which is... kind of weird), and then she volunteers to become the sacrificial lamb that will buy enough time for the Rebel transport ships to escape. Although her Star Destroyer-splitting maneuver was admittedly pretty incredible, her sudden change of heart was completely unbelievable and the lack of any kind of connection to the viewer is the reason why, in the end, nobody gave a crap about this stupid character. She cost the Rebellion tons of time by being a little brat and likely cost a significant amount of lives in the process. Great job.
6. Finn and Phasma
Captain Phasma is, without a doubt, the biggest waste of a
Star Wars character that we have ever seen. At first glance, that shiny chrome armor is terribly intimidating and one can only imagine the terror that Phasma might strike into the hearts of her opponents.
Well, she didn't really do much of anything in
The Force Awakens, aside from, we assume - because Han asks Finn about it - getting thrown into a trash compactor. Somehow, she survived that alleged incident and shows up again in
The Last Jedi to confront her mortal enemy (I guess?), FN-2187, the stormtrooper that abandoned the First Order like the coward he is. After a brief battle, Finn disposes of Phasma yet again, purportedly killing her once and for all, after hardly putting up a fight worthy of conversation. It's just pathetic. I mean, there's nothing else to really be said about it.
Also, for some reason toward the end of the movie, Finn starts speaking like George Lucas wrote the script. "Let's go, chrome dome." OOOOOH! Tough words, Finn! Tough words! This was not Finn's best movie.
5. Rose's decision to "save" Finn - and just Rose, in general
Speaking of Finn, let's talk about his relationship with Rose. I know that in real life, Kelly Marie Tran was the victim of a lot of cyber-bullying and hate mail, and that's never ok, but the fact is that - regardless of race or gender - this is just a badly written character. She's annoying and obnoxious and does a lot of really irritating things - not the least of which was saving Finn from his would-be kamikaze run during the final battle.
On the salty battlefield in the last act of the movie, Poe, Finn, Rose and a handful of other valiant Rebel pilots suit up and hop into some rickety old ships to confront Kylo Ren's dastardly forces. These ships are real pieces of crap, by the way; Poe accidentally stomps his foot through the bottom of his at one point. Finn realizes that the First Order has set up a battering ram cannon that will tear through the Resistance's defenses like tissue paper, and he decides that the only way to stop it is to send his decrepit little plane hurtling right into it.
Finn makes a beeline for the cannon, despite the pleas of many of his companions telling him to stop. Dramatic music builds, Finn says his goodbyes, closes his eyes and...
gets rammed in the side from out of nowhere by Rose, who wants to save her friend's life.
I received a Snapchat video from my brother this afternoon, in which he visually broke down, step-by-step, the fact that Finn was the ONLY ship heading toward the First Order at that point. Every single other ship had flipped a U-turn and retreated. Even seconds before Finn gets T-boned, Rose is nowhere to be found. It's completely illogical.
Keeping in mind that these flimsy little planes are pieces of literal trash, how is it possible that Rose could crash into Finn at a high speed like that and not kill both of them in the process? That would have been amazing - if Rose accidentally died and took out Finn in one fell swoop, and then the First Order wiped out the Resistance with the battering ram. Oh man. But no. She somehow survives with only a few facial abrasions to show for it. Finn, on the other hand, appears completely unharmed and is spectacularly able to get out of his crashed ship and run over to Rose's lifeless body -- AND NOBODY FROM THE FIRST ORDER THINKS TO EVEN TAKE ONE SHOT AT HIM?! Don't understand that at all. Anyway, when Finn finally gets to Rose, she takes the time to mention that the only way to win this war is not to destroy the things they hate, but save the things they love.
At that moment,
with an explosion going off in the background LOL, she plants a kiss right on Finn's lips, and he looks about as confused at this spontaneous romantic relationship as the rest of us:
4. Supreme Leader Snoke's sudden demise
I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about this one because the guys who wrote this movie didn't, either. In
The Force Awakens, we are introduced to this poorly CGI-ed freak that, we presume, is "the new Big Bad," as the hipsters say. He's Kylo Ren's boss, and theories swirled online for months about his true identity. Was he an even more physically misshapen form of Emperor Palpatine? Was he Darth Plagueis?
Nah, in the end, Kylo Ren just randomly decided to chop him in half, as if Rian Johnson printed up a list of fan theories and ripped it right down the middle. So... he's dead now. Like, I don't know what else to tell you.
3. Old, Bitter Luke
I actually saw an analogy the other day that resonated with me - and there are
some aspects of Old, Bitter Luke that I kind of like. I actually really liked learning about his troubled history with Ben Solo, for instance. But there is still plenty to complain about when it comes to the character that I wanted to be as a child.
The comparison that was given was provided by Cody Rhodes, a popular professional wrestler. He compared Luke's story arc to what sometimes happens in his industry: fans beg for the "legends" like The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin to come back and wrestle one more time. The problem is, though, as WWE has recently seen in sub-par "return matches" for the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, the Undertaker and Goldberg, that these guys aren't the same people they were 20 years ago. You can't expect Hulk Hogan to come back and fight Roman Reigns today anymore than a Utah Jazz fan could long for the golden days and wish that Stockton and Malone would lace up their sneakers to save the team from what, so far, has been a rough start to the season. They're older, out of shape and haven't been doing that stuff for a long time.
Such was the case in
The Last Jedi, when Rey mistakenly thought that asking Luke nicely to come back and help out would solve all of her problems. Luke had been living a hermit's life on that gorgeous island for who-knows-how-long, and he wasn't in shape, as far as Force usage was concerned. I can understand why he wouldn't exactly jump at the chance to go fight a much younger, stronger enemy in Kylo Ren.
But they didn't have to make him such a jerk about things. Luke is rude to Rey for the majority of his screen time. He hates what he has helped create, wants to literally burn it all down to the ground, and he takes out his verbal aggression on somebody who genuinely cared about and admired him. It's not a good look.
Plus, I know we all sometimes do some weird stuff when we're alone and nobody else is around, but what the heck was up with him drinking that stuff right out of the utters of that disgusting creature? That was certainly something I never really wanted to see in my entire life.
Honorable mention: Porgs suck!
2. The End of Luke Skywalker
Here, again, there are a couple things I liked, but it's a net-negative, in terms of weighing the good and the bad. The part where Luke walks out like a baller to stare down the entire First Order is pretty good, and the moment where he reappears from the dust and brushes off his shoulder is fantastic. But let's talk about a couple other things here.
First of all, I'm a little unsure how Force projections work. In the past, the only time we have seen Force Ghosts have been instances where they're just kind of standing around, like at the end of
Return of the Jedi. In
Episode VIII, we see Force Ghost Yoda appear to Luke, just as Luke is about to set fire to that gnarly Jedi tree. Yoda whacks his former apprentice on the head with his cane, so it appears that these ghosts can physically interact with living things. Similarly, we see Luke (who, unbeknownst to us at the time, is a Force projection) walk into the Resistance's base and not only touch his sister Leia, but also give her (what appear to be) the dice that Han hung in the Millennium Falcon.
However, shortly thereafter, Luke goes out to face Kylo Ren in a lightsaber duel. His feet leave no footprints in the salt, and when Kylo goes to stab his ex-Master in the chest, the weapon goes straight through him. So... are Force projections physical beings or not? There is no consistency on which to base an answer.
Hooray. Luke stalls long enough for the Resistance to escape through the back of their base. Waiting for them on the other side is Rey, who my co-worker estimates trained with Luke on the island for approximately 17 WHOPPING HOURS. In that time, she learned how to use the Force so strongly that she could lift, undoubtedly, several tons of boulders into the air, suspend them for long enough for everyone to get out, then drop them peacefully on either side of her friends without dropping a pebble on anyone! It's incredible!
Meanwhile, Luke bids a snarky farewell to Kylo Ren and vanishes. We return to the island, where we see the gray-bearded superstar levitating and collapsing on his meditation rock. Moments later, after staring one final time into that double sunset, he disappears for good, like his master, Obi-Wan, before him.
Having grown up idolizing Luke Skywalker, I just hoped that he would have gone out in a more memorable way than that - bitter, alone and mostly washed up.
1. Rey's parents
They floated this storyline in front of us like the proverbial Dangling Carrot from some of the earliest moments in
The Force Awakens. Rey is an orphan, having been left to fend for herself on Jakku at a very young age. However, there seems to be some kind of legend or rumor or theory about her (or a girl just like her, maybe?), because Kylo Ren immediately freaks out when he finds out that "a girl" has recovered BB-8. On top of that, several others, including Han Solo, Leia and Maz Canata, appear to be aware that Rey might be special.
Again, in
The Last Jedi, it is insinuated several times that Rey's parents might have been somebody famous. Obviously, the most widespread theory is that she's somehow a Skywalker. Perhaps a Kenobi (Obi-Wan's voice is heard calling her by name when she finds Luke's Skywalker in
VII). Heck, maybe she's a freaking Palpatine! That would be insane! Her murky genealogy is mentioned on several different occasions:
When Rey is drawn to the Dark Side in that freakish cavern, she walks up to a wall of ice, where she sees two silhouettes walking towards her. Seconds before we see these shadows, Rey is audibly begging to know who her parents were, for heck's sake! Ultimately, they merge into one figure, which ends up just being Rey's own reflection. More than anything else in this entire movie, that particular moment pissed me off. My heart was pounding leading up to it, but for us not to get an answer right there felt like Rian Johnson spit right in my face. He knew everybody was wondering who Rey's parents were, he teased us with it - quite blatantly - and he refused to give us an answer.
Then, in addition to that, her parents are mentioned by Kylo Ren during the elevator ride up to see Snoke. Rey is trying to convince Kylo to turn, but he says that he possesses information that will cause Rey to convert to the Dark Side of the Force. He knows the identity of Rey's parents.
After the Throne Room battle (in which Rey, who has only truly fought with a lightsaber one time manages to take on two to three people at the same time on multiple instances), Rey finds out that her parents were "nobody." CHECK THAT.
From my recollection, I thought that Kylo Ren told Rey about her parents, which could easily be construed as a lie (similar to a major twist at the end of "Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald," which I'm pretty sure was a fabrication of the truth). However, as I watched the movie back this week, I was reminded that Kylo doesn't tell Rey anything - SHE TELL HIM. SHE ADMITS IT, HERSELF.
SO. We have a couple options here.
- Rey's parents actually are nobodies that were just junk traders that were buried in a pauper's grave
- Rey's emotions got the best of her, she didn't actually know, and she totally guessed
- Kylo was mind-tricking her into believing that her parents were nobody
- Kylo was not mind-tricking her, but he had planned on lying (or guessing) that her parents were of no consequence, and Rey somehow inadvertently said exactly what he wanted her to say
- Rey is a clone and doesn't actually have parents
- Rey didn't know her actual parents at all but was raised by someone else who took on the "parental" responsibilities; Kylo incorrectly assumed those adoptive parents were her biological parents; the audience is not smart enough to comprehend the complexity of the situation
Regardless, Rian Johnson made a big, giant mess, and poor JJ Abrams is going to be forced to clean it up because I, along with pretty much everyone else on the planet, know that we WILL be getting a definitive answer to, at least, that one, specific question.
Now, I'm hoping that Rey's parents turn out to be anyone OTHER than a Skywalker. If Rey's dad is Luke or if her mom is Leia, we've got some issues:
- Leia refers to Rey as "The Girl." Whether she is the mother or aunt, I can't imagine any good family member referring to their child or niece/nephew as "The Girl." I have four nephews and a niece. I would never refer to them as "The Boy" or "That Kid." Some family member she would be, huh?
- If Luke is the dad or uncle, he completely ignored the fact that it would even be a possibility when he asked Rey where she came from. "Nowhere," she replies. Everybody's from somewhere, Luke insists. When Rey says she's from Jakku, Luke smarmily jabs that Jakku basically is the middle of nowhere. It's a funny line, but, if Luke ever lived on that planet, had a kid on that planet, had family on that planet, or (pardon me) knocked up somebody from that planet, don't you think he'd at least raise an eyebrow?
If Rey is a Skywalker, that's one crappy family and they treated her like dirt for two entire movies.
***
I could go on and on about how much I hated The Last Jedi, how much Rian Johnson's "vision" ruined the franchise, and a million other things that just don't make any sense at all, but I'm going to stop here or I'm gonna miss my 10:00 showtime. More than anything, I'm just disappointed that something that so many people hold so dear, as silly as it may seem, was skewed and jacked up so badly by one person who honestly does not seem to give a crap about any of it.
Here is yet another image that perfectly sums up what I feel that Rian Johnson did when he took the helm of Episode VIII:
Please, somebody, tell me I'm not up in the night with this stuff. If you want to trash talk this movie, I'm here for you. Let me hear it. You can comment below, follow me on Twitter (@atownmania and @sottunderground) or chat me up on Facebook.
Here's hoping that we head out to the theaters tonight or tomorrow or this weekend or next week and we all have a pleasant experience, enjoying something that we all love, without having to fear that some nerd is going to wreck it all again. We trust you, JJ! May the Force be with you, sir!
Amen.
