It's Game 7 of the 2016 World Series and I don't know who to cheer for

They say that the best two words in sports are "Game Seven." Tonight, America gets its wish, as the Chicago Cubs, of all teams, have battled back from a 3-1 deficit to force a final, decisive matchup with the Cleveland Indians, of all teams.

Tonight's game will certainly make the dreams of one fan base come true, while simultaneously dashing the other's to pieces. It's been well documented, but we may as well rehash it for the sake of this blog:

The Cleveland Indians last won a World Series in 1948 - a 68-year draught.

The Chicago Cubs haven't won since 1908, with this current title run 108 years in the making.

These are two of the longest title-free spells in professional sports, and Americans love a good underdog story. But my problem is that I don't really have a pony in this race and I'm not quite sure who I'm supposed to be cheering for (or against) when the teams take the field this evening.

I grew up as a big Chicago Cubs fan. I've got the knowledge to prove it and the physical evidence to back it up. I used to watch the Cubs on WGN all the time growing up, thanks to my mom. I can tell you all about Ryne Sandberg, Mark Grace, Brian McRae, Glenallen Hill and my former favorite player, Sammy Sosa. I remember going to the mall as a young boy and having my picture taken in a Cubs jersey, then printed onto a baseball card. I wish I still had it, but I doubt I do. That was pretty awesome. I remember very well the Steve Bartman incident that dashed my heart to pieces back in 2003. Those were rough times, and the Cubs never won a dang thing, despite my greatest wishes.

I learned the hard way that rooting for the "lovable loser" Chicago Cubs for the better part of two decades just wasn't very much fun. (I had a similar experience giving up on the Seattle Mariners, who I loved for quite some time during the Ken Griffey Jr. era.) Being a Cubs fan got the best of me around 2013 or so; I finally decided that I'd had enough and jumped ship. Clearly, I either became a Cubs fan 15 years too early or stopped being a self-proclaimed Cubs fan two years too soon. It's a rough life.

Don't get me wrong - it's not that I hate the Cubs. I just wouldn't identify myself as a fan of these Cubs. They aren't the lovable losers that I grew up attached to. They're now the lovable contenders, with big salaries and a GM, Theo Epstein, who has a record of breaking baseball's most infamous curses - he brought in a bunch of heavy hitters to lead the Boston Red Sox to championships in 2004 and 2007. Back in the day, everybody loved those Red Sox (except Yankees fans, obviously), and the whole nation jumped on board the Boston bandwagon (with a little help from Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore in "Fever Pitch"). But once the broke the Curse of the Bambino and the Red Sox became a perennial powerhouse in the American League, that's about the time the Red Sox stopped being fun. Just ask my brother Austin, who was a die-hard Sox fan for most of his young adulthood. If the Cubs break their own curse - that of billy goat lore - would they potentially suffer a similar fate? Would they become just another superteam, destined for multiple championships down the line? Perish the thought!

But what really drives me nuts is - and this happens every single year, without fail - the miraculous growth of the Cubs (bandwagon) fan base in the last few weeks. I could even give a bit more leniency and trace it back to 2015. I blame "Back to the Future II," which famously predicted that the Cubbies would win the 2015 World Series against Miami. (Close, but no cigar! That would have been so awesome.) People who don't even like baseball were cheering for the Cubs to make that prediction come true, but it didn't happen. I'm sure many of those people have continued cheering for the Cubs in 2016.

To make a long story short (too late), I love seeing bandwagon fans get disappointed. I'm just jealous, probably, that I spend years cheering for teams that never win (Utah Jazz, Texas Rangers, the lovable loser Cubs and the generally sucky New Orleans Saints - who actually pulled it off in 2010), and bandwagon fans spend a few weeks or maybe months cheering for a team that goes all the way. Misery loves company.

And then there are the Cleveland Indians. I have nothing against the Indians. Why would I? Nobody cares about the Indians, as far as I know. Not yet, anyway, pending the results of tonight's contest. There might be TONS of Indians fans running around tomorrow, just like there were droves of Prince and David Bowie fans after their premature deaths, and just like Heath Ledger and Paul Walker are the greatest actors of our generation. Who knows what tomorrow brings?

Here's my only beef with the state of Ohio - that, for my entire life, they've been begging the world to feel sorry for them. "Our teams are so terrible! We never win anything!" Yeah, you never win anything, except for Ohio State constantly being one of the best college football teams and the Cavs winning an NBA championship last year and your baseball team being on the brink of a World Series title, not to mention the Cavs' ridiculous odds in the NBA lottery (which I still contend is rigged). I will never feel another ounce of sympathy for a Cleveland sports team ever again in my life - and I don't even want to hear about the Browns, who totally suck and always will. I don't feel bad for them at all.

Speaking of the Cavaliers, they came back from a 3-1 deficit against the Golden State Warriors in last year's NBA Finals, becoming the first team to overcome such odds for an NBA title in the history of the league. I was actually cheering for LeBron in that series, which should say something about how I feel about the Warriors. I still can't believe I brought myself to do such a thing. Well, apparently it's a bit of a sore subject for Bay Area basketball fans, who are still getting their feelings hurt when people bring up the fact that their team choked away an inevitable championship. In fact, take a look at this picture of a decoration at LeBron's Halloween party over the weekend:

Yeah... that's going to be a real uncomfortable joke for Cleveland fans, come tomorrow morning, if the Indians blow a 3-1 lead to the Cubs...

In general, here's my biggest issue - why doesn't the whole world love the Utah Jazz?? Here we are, sitting around moping for two teams who have both already won championships, despite the fact that it has been a very long drought. BUT AT LEAST THEY'VE WON! Why doesn't everyone feel bad for teams like the Jazz who have NEVER WON ANYTHING? I've consigned myself to the fact that the Jazz will never win a championship, and it sucks, but it's true. We'll never win. We'll probably never get back. As a general rule, I don't feel bad for teams who have won championships because mine never will. I'm bitter. Whatever. Anyone who doesn't understand where I'm coming from must not be a sports fan - or got lucky enough to randomly choose (or deliberately pick) teams who win all the time. Whatever.

So here's where we stand:

• I want the Cubs to win because I grew up cheering for the franchise, it would be cool to say that the Cubs won a World Series in my lifetime, and I'd feel good for all those 98-year-old ladies with front row tickets who have been praying for the Cubs to win for an entire century. Also, Bill Murray.
• I want the Indians to win because they beat the crap out of a couple of the best teams in the American League on their way to the World Series (Boston and stupid Toronto), and they pitch really, really well about every other game. Plus, I had a couple of their players on my fantasy team this year. Oh yeah - and lest we forget, the Indians' Francisco Lindor stole a base and earned us all free Doritos Locos Tacos, so I shall praise his name forevermore.
• I want the Cubs to lose because it would be hilarious to see all these fake fans switch over to being Indians fans tomorrow morning. I'll call them on it. Believe me. Furthermore, I believe that if the Cubs win, they just won't be as lovable anymore, and I don't want the Cubs to become a team I routinely end up cheering against. Also, Dexter Fowler married a girl I went to high school with and I can't have anyone challenging A-Town for most successful and popular graduate of Alta High School's class of 2005.
• I want the Indians to lose because they're good at pretty much every sport except for football and they're a bunch of crybabies. Also, it would be nice to see the LeBron fans give the "3-1 lead" jokes a rest. I think it's funny because I hate the Warriors, but karma, as they say, is a fickle friend. The irony would be amazing.

It is of note that I am wearing a Cubs hat today. I've got a terrible track record so far this postseason, as I believe that teams are 0-4 when I am wearing their attire so far - the Rangers lost twice, and the Nationals and Cubs both lost once while I adorned their paraphernalia, so I'm undefeated at losing so far. Am I cheering the Cubs on to victory in tonight's Game Seven? Am I trying to fit in amongst my bandwagon counterparts? Or am I jinxing the Cubbies into the greatest disappointment of the past century?

Time will tell.

Anyway, all I really want tonight is a good, close, competitive, heartbreaking game. Is that too much to ask?

I'd also like my ward to cancel Wednesday night visits because nobody is ever home, every single week, and I'd hate to have my sports-watching interrupted by a couple dudes from the Elders Quorum, so I'd like that to happen, too. Asking for a miracle, basically.

The Bitter Pill: My worst sports memories

It's on days like today when I wonder to myself why on earth I like sports. Although watching your team win the big game can be one of the most exhilarating experiences imaginable, let's be honest - that only happens once in a blue moon. In fact, as I thought quietly on my drive home from work today, I determined that devoting a lifetime to watching sports has brought me sadness and disappointment probably 95% of the time. I can think of one time - just one - in my entire life that "my team" has ever won a championship. Surely, the team that I have wanted to win has won occasionally, but only one time in my entire life has my actual team ever claimed the right to be called "number one." Those ain't good odds.

Imagine my elation when my Texas Rangers - a team that I have heavily invested in over the past several years - went from being the worst team in the Major Leagues to winning the pennant in the American League West a few weeks ago. Oh man, that was awesome! They made the playoffs and went nuts against the Toronto Blue Jays, who many picked to be the odds-on favorite to win this year's World Series, in the first two games of the five-game American League Divisional Series. We were up two games to zero, just one win away from a spot in baseball's Final Four - the American League Championship Series. Could it truly be happening? Were the Rangers the Team of Destiny? The series was shifting back to Arlington and there was no way they'd let the Blue Jays win three straight games.

Right??

The Rangers vs the Blue Jays (2015)

The Rangers came out flat in Game Three, losing 5-1 in Texas. I was really excited to watch this game because it was the one game in this entire series that I could actually watch live; the others were all televised at 2 in the afternoon, while I was at work. I was ready to break out my broom for the sweep last Sunday night, but it was not meant to be. I figured it was a rough outing and we'd get 'em Monday. But the Blue Jays came out swinging again and won Game Four, 8-4, shifting the series back to Toronto for a win-or-go-home Game Five today. Again, the game started in the afternoon and I was forced the follow the game via a combination of updates from MLB At Bat, Twitter, ESPN.com and my family members, who were watching the game at home.

The Rangers jumped out to an early lead, which was pretty dang exciting for me. I caught a little bit of the game early on during my break at work and all was well. Then the seventh inning happened and my phone started blowing up. Apparently, I heard, the Rangers had scored on a fluke play where Toronto's catcher, Russell Martin attempted to throw the ball back to the pitcher, but accidentally hit the bat of Texas' Shin-Soo Choo. The ball was declared live and the Rangers plated a run, extending their lead and prompting the Toronto fans to start throwing garbage onto the field. Classy!! But the good times wouldn't last long. Soon thereafter, I'm told, the Rangers had three fielding errors in the bottom of the seventh and Jose Bautista blasted a three-run shot, putting the Blue Jays up for good. The Rangers etched their names in sports history as one of the only teams to ever choke away a 2-0 lead in a five-game series. Why? Why did this happen to me??

On a side note, after Bautista's monster home run, he flipped his bat in a manner that, in any other sport, would have penalized his team with a technical foul or a flag for excessive celebration/taunting, and that straight up ticks me off. I never had a strong opinion of the self-proclaimed "Joey Bats," but watching him in the ALDS has sure painted him in a negative light. The dude seems like a first-class whiner and a major jerk. Watch the video. See for yourself.

#THIS. Joey Bat Flip. https://t.co/CO59JyFCsa

— MLB (@MLB) October 15, 2015

Ugh. So the Rangers are out and I hate sports... For now.

Today's disheartening outcome got me thinking about all the other horrible sports memories I've ever had. I don't know why so many bad things happen to the teams I love, but it seems to be my lot in life. If ever you think that your life is no good, just take a look at all the times I've had my heart ripped out and stomped on. Maybe it will help you realize that your life could always be worse.

The Rangers vs the A's (2012-2013)

Apparently I became a Rangers fan a couple years too late. After back-to-back World Series losses in 2010 and 2011, I visited my uncle in Frisco, Texas, in 2012 and fell in love with the team. They would go on to have successful seasons that ultimately fell apart in September, thanks in large part to the hated Oakland Athletics. The A's practically single-handedly derailed the Rangers hopes for a long postseason run in both 2012 and 2013, including an unfortunate series of events that led to the Rangers needing a tie-breaker ("Game 163") against the Tampa Bay Rays in 2013. The Rangers and Rays would face off in a play-in game that year, which meant that the winner would make it into the Wild Card game for the American League and the loser would get the walk of shame on national TV.

To make a long story short, the Rays beat the Rangers soundly and I cried myself to sleep. Not really, but I could have.

The Cubs vs everybody (especially Steve Bartman)

Back in the days of my youth, I was a big-time Chicago Cubs fan. One of my favorite baseball players of all time was the now-infamous steroid user, bat corker and skin bleacher, Sammy Sosa. I LOVED Sammy as a kid. That dude was awesome. I remember growing up watching Sammy, Mark Grace, Ryne Sandberg and the gang on WGN as Harry Carey sang "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"! "Who's Harry Carey?", ask the bandwagon Cubs fans of today. Psssh! Who's Harry Carey?? Just one of the most legendary broadcasters of our time! Oh yeah, the Cubs and I go way back!

As I grew older and my intellect was sharpened, I came to the reluctant acceptance of the fact that the Cubs just plain sucked. They were never good. They never won. And watching losers, lovable though they were, gets old after about 15 years. So I shifted my attention away from the Cubs and actually gave up on baseball for a few years around the time that I went on my LDS mission.

One of the most infamous moments of all, of course, was the epic failure produced by poor Steve Bartman. The Cubs were on the fast track to the World Series in 2003, up three games to two against the Florida Marlins the a best-of-seven National League Championship Series. It was game six and the Cubbies were winning, 3-0. Then this happened and all heck broke loose...


Chicago would go on to lose the series and fade from national relevance for the next 12 years. The Cubs are back in the NLCS, which will start up in a few days and I'll be backing my dear Cubbies, now that my Rangers are eliminated (if for nothing more than the potential fulfillment of Back to the Future II's 30-year-old prediction).

Also, not to brag or anything, I can truly say that I was there, watching live on MLB At Bat, for Kris Bryant's first three strikeouts, so there's that, too.

The Saints vs the Seahawks (2010)

Are you ready for some football? My New Orleans Saints certainly weren't back in 2010, when they went up against the Seattle Seahawks in the 2010 NFC Wild Card game. Oh yeah, let me remind you that these were no ordinary Seattle Seahawks - these Seattle Seahawks made the playoffs with a sub-.500 record. They lost more games than they won that year. This happened in real life. This should have been a cakewalk for the Saints, who had come a long way since their lowly days of Aaron Brooks and Ricky Williams... back when I stupidly decided to cheer for a team with a long history of being incredibly terrible. Hey - these Saints had Drew Brees, one of the best quarterbacks in the entire league, and a high-powered offense that could put up 40 points almost at will.

I never had a good feeling about this game. I felt like there was a very good possibility that the Saints would fall flat on their faces. And my mom, a lifelong Seattle fan, was watching in the room with me. It was at this time that we were introduced to something now referred to as the "Beast Quake" - a gargantuan run by Marshawn Lynch of such monumental proportions that I honestly still have flashbacks about it. Behold:


I will give the Saints props, though. They brought me my one and only championship in 2009. That was a good night. Sadly, it only lasted about four hours.

The Utes vs TCU

Why stop with professional football? Why not talk about the football game that I was most amped-up for in my entire life? I was a student at the University of Utah in 2010, when my Number Five Utes squared off against the dreaded TCU Horned Frogs, who rolled into Salt Lake City ranked Number Three. College GameDay was in town. My brother Austin and I woke up at 4:00 in the blessed A.M. to attend the live national broadcast. It felt like the freaking Super Bowl.

Until kickoff.

It didn't take TCU long to drive right down the field and score. "It can't be that bad," I thought. Then the Utes got the ball and punted. Then TCU strolled right back to the end zone and went up 14 points. It was honestly all downhill from there. The Utes got steamrolled and lost in embarrassing fashion, 47-7, for the world to see.


To this day, that was the worst football game I have ever seen. And I was there for it. The best part of the game was, sadly, my friend making a relatively obscene gesture toward the TCU fans after the Utes scored their one and only touchdown during "garbage time" in the fourth quarter. I hate TCU. Stupid Horned Frogs.

The Jazz vs Michael Jordan (1996-1998)

Michael Jordan ruined my life. Not kidding. People think I'm joking or being a baby about it, but I'm serious. Michael Jordan ruined my life.

I love the Utah Jazz more than any team in all of sports in all of the world and they made it to the NBA Finals TWO TIMES. IN A ROW. And we lost both times to stupid Michael Jordan and the stupid Chicago Bulls! I could go on and on and on about my hatred for His Airness, Phil Jackson, Dennis Rodman and the bunch, but I won't. That's another very long blog for another day.

Just watch this video and tell me that Michael Jordan didn't push off. I dare you to watch this video and tell me that Michael Jordan didn't push off.


"Michael Jordan pushed off." I'll put that on my headstone when I die.
Sports are a silly thing to get this upset about, but WE SHOULD HAVE WON THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIP!!! We should have won! The Jazz will never make it back to the NBA Finals. I have come to this conclusion on my own accord and I accept it. It sucks, but I know it's true. We will never make it back to that stage. Not in today's NBA. Our glory days are over - and Michael Jordan pushed off.

Honorable mention: Karl Malone and DDP vs Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman (1996)

Because I don't want to end this blog on that sour note of hatred and disgust, I'll lighten the mood a tiny bit by mentioning the last time that I ever prayed for the outcome of a sporting event...
That's right. I prayed that Karl Malone would beat Dennis Rodman at WCW's Bash at the Beach Pay-Per-View and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Needless to say, Karl and DDP lost and I never prayed about sports ever again. It doesn't work, people. Take it from one who knows.

I take a minimal amount of solace in the fact that the Mailman got to hit the ref, Charles Robinson, with the Diamond Cutter after the match was over. Served him right. He deserved it.

What are your worst sports memories? Misery loves company in the comments section below.