Let's talk about "The Batman"

I watched "The Batman" last night and I need to say some things.

TL;DR Version

Too long? Didn't read? Here are four little bullet points:

• It's really, really long
• It's not intended for young audiences
• The stellar cast does not disappoint
• Robert Pattinson is legit

If you want to go into the movie blind, that's all you need to know. If you want more context, keep reading. I've tried to keep this as spoiler-free as possible, but, just in case, let's put this here:

What You Should Know About the Movie

There are a couple things worth mentioning about the movie itself.

First of all, it's very, very long. With a nearly three-hour run time and a toddler left with a babysitter, I intentionally booked a 6 PM showtime, and that was a good decision. I have a co-worker who's seeing the movie at 10:55 PM, and I pray for his soul. Have fun getting out at 2 in the morning. Hope he takes a nap beforehand. It's also one of those movies like "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King," where you think it's over like six different times but it just keeps going. I fought the urge to look at my watch to gage how long we had left. However, to its credit, I never felt bored. It's long, but it's engaging.

This movie is dark. And I'm not talking about the lighting. I mean, there are a couple points in the movie when I thought, "Gee, I hope no whackos out there are taking notes." Think of it less as a "superhero movie" and more of a guy in a cape and a cop tracking down a serial killer. That's what you're getting yourself into.

Over the years, Batman movies have become increasingly "grounded," shifting from the comicbook worlds of the Tim Burton era to the Christopher Nolan trilogy and, now, Matt Reeves' first steps into the Batverse. The newer movies feel much closer to "real life" than the old ones did. That's a bit troublesome,in some aspects, but I think mature audiences will still enjoy this new movie.

Pattinson's take on Batman verges on the more brutal interpretation of the character, similar to "Batfleck" from recent films, and the style of violence is... punishing, to say the least. The Riddler's style of social media-fueled style of psychological terrorism is also quite unnerving. The whimsical days of the goofball Riddler are over.

"The Batman" definitely merits its PG-13 rating. I wish there was something more like a "PG-16" rating - something between "PG-13" and "R." This one definitely wasn't "R," but it's certainly not a movie for kids. There's a lot of profanity, including frequent use of religious exclamations and one F-word, so keep that in mind before taking your kids to the theater. 

Batman and Bruce Wayne

There have been many different versions of Bruce Wayne and Batman, and I think the first question most people will ask about this movie is how Robert Pattinson stacks up. That's tough.

Recently, Christian Bale and Ben Affleck have shown us distinct portrayals of the man behind the mask. Bale was the playboy, with women hanging on his arm. Affleck came off as a savvy business man with a hardcore crossfit routine. Pattinson epitomizes the detective characteristics of Bruce Wayne unlike anything we've seen in the past. In the beginning of the movie, Pattinson explains that his hobbies have turned him into a "nocturnal animal." He painstakingly takes journals of his obseverations and literally records everything he sees. The guy stays up late and doesn't get much sunlight - and it shows. He's a reclusive public figure made legendary by his rare appearances. It's a different spin on the character than we've seen in the past, certainly.

Before we move on, I need to get something off of my chest. I haven't really followed Robert Pattinson's acting career. I don't think I've really seen him in anything other than "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" and "Tenet." But I've had it with the "Twilight" insults. They're tired. Those movies came out like 15 years ago and, for some reason, people are still holding those over his head. Give the dude a break and stop calling him "Edward," all right?

Now, let's talk about Emo Bruce. The first images I saw of Robert Pattinson in this movie were of the scene where he's at a funeral/memorial service. He's wearing a trenchcoat-like suit and his greasy hair is all over his face. I think a lot of people immediately judged how he was going to be as Bruce Wayne because of those pictures. But let's be real: if there's one guy who deserves to look a little "emo," it's the friendless billionaire orphan who is single-handedly trying to save his flaming trash heap of a city. Cut the man some slack.

All in all, detective/emo Bruce Wayne grew on me and I didn't mind it. I thought Pattinson did a great job in that aspect of his role. Those are huge shoes to fill, and fans are always ultra-critical of actors when they first take on these iconic characters, whether it's James Bond, Superman, Batman or anyone else.

Now, as far as Batman is concerned, I thought Pattinson looked amazing in the suit. I probably have, in my mind, some idea of what I think the Batsuit should look like, and I'm still wrapping my head around some of the stuff, like those little ammo things on his wrists, but I thought the suit was pretty good and I thought he looked like a natural in it. I liked his voice, from the monologuing to how he actually spoke when in costume. I felt that it came across as less forced than Bale's, which was completely opposite of how he talked as Bruce Wayne, and less tired/pissed off than Affeck.

I loved how Pattinson's Batman interacted with his allies (Gordon and Catwoman), and I thought that using the Bat-signal as a "warning" was super effective. Light that thing up and criminals get spooked, even without the Caped Crusader actually being there. Nice touch. Although Pattinson didn't looked totally ripped for the role, he definitely comes across as a guy whose bad side you'd want to avoid. One or two punches from him and you're out, folks.

I thought some of the action scenes in this movie (one involving the Batmobile, one involving a dark hallway and random bursts of gunfire, and one involving a smokescreen, in particular) were top-notch and probably some of the best we've ever seen. (That Batmobile won me over, too, by the way.)

One other interesting facet of Pattinson's Batman is his desire to not only reduce crime in Gotham but simply make it a better place. Many times, I think the goal is to "get rid of all the criminals," but Pattinson appears to want to restore Gotham to the lofty potential it had to begin with.

All in all, I thought Pattinson knocked it out of the park in his debut appearance in the cape-and-cowl. I'd love to see him in at least two more of these movies, with director Matt Reeves at the helm.

Alfred

The second comparison that usually comes up is that of the most loyal butler in the world, Alfred Pennyworth.

We all probably fall right back to Michael Caine, who is an absolute treasure, no matter the movie. Caine gave us an elderly Alfred who seemed reluctant to help, at times, and spent a lot of energy trying to talk Master Wayne out of crime fighting. He definitely gave us some great bits of dialogue, though, and was a wonderful replacement-father figure in the Christopher Nolan trilogy.

When my wife asked me how I liked Jeremy Irons as Alfred in the "Batman v Superman" era, I mentioned that he really didn't get enough screen time to leave a lasting impression. He was fine, we just didn't really spend much time with him.

Andy Serkis' Alfred is, perhaps, the most hands-on version of Bruce's housekeeper that we've been given yet. Throughout the movie, he is constantly seen trying to crack riddles or provide analysis, which I thought was fun. In most versions of the Bat-verse, Bruce generally seems unwilling to completely bring Alfred on board, both in his crime-fighting and his personal life, and that's still the case here, with "The Batman." Pattinson seems a bit more open to letting Alfred solve mysteries, but for certain reasons, Pattinson comes across more as a "You're Not My Father" type than his predecessors. That was an interesting dynamic to watch develop. I think Serkis is a great actor and I hope we get to see more of him in the future.

James Gordon

The third comparison, is GCPD's finest, Jim Gordon. So how does Jeffrey Wright stack up?

I grew up with the Commissioner Gordon from the Adam West TV series, so I'll always love that old man. However, times have changed and, over the years, Gordon has changed from the gray-haired, red phone-operating, white-collar type to a "roll up your sleeves and do what you've gotta do" persona.

I thought Gary Oldman was perfect in the Nolan trilogy. I thought he was the spitting image of a younger Jim Gordon, complete with the mustache and everything. I've got nothing bad to say about the guy.

I was really excited for J.K. Simmons to take on that role during the "Justice League" movies, but the DCEU hit a notorious rough patch and his character never truly got off the ground, which is a shame because did you see how jacked he got? Sheesh.

Jeffrey Wright is an amazing actor. I think he's just wonderful and has a really great voice. (Fun fact: he recently provided the voice of Batman in an audio drama you can stream on HBO Max and Spotify. Highly recommended, if you're into that stuff.) Undoubtedly (because it's 2022 and people are offended by everything), casting Wright as Gordon may have raised a few eyebrows, since he's, you know... not white like all the other guys... But I think my wife's endorsement says it all. As we were driving home from the theater last night, she said, "He looked just like them." I thought that was a really cool observation. As I mentioned, I thought he and Pattinson worked really well together - especially in a certain one-on-one interrogation scene.

Gotham City

Ah, to be young and colorful and care-free. Remember those old days of Joker parades and Penguinmobiles? Yeah, that's not Gotham anymore. This is another gritty look at a once-glorious city now on the brink of collapse. All the good people of Gotham have left are white-knight political figures - and that's not a good job to have in a city like this, mind you. The town is grimy, vandalized, overflowing with litter and a public transit ticket is basically a death wish.

It's been wild to watch Gotham change over the years to reflect improvements in real-life technology, like the Internet, social media and even USB drives. We've come a long way in the past 30 years, and Batman's world is evolving with us.

In the aftermath of "The Batman," it will be interesting to see the state of Gotham City, moving forward.

The Villains

It was amazing to me to think about how seamlessly DC incorporated so many of Batman's "Rogues Gallery" in this movie without it feeling cumbersome or bloated. I'd heard that "The Batman" wasn't really going to be a Bruce Wayne origin story (thankfully, we didn't have to see Thomas and Martha get gunned down in Crime Alley for the billionth time), but, rather, it would be an origin story for some of the villains. This turned out to be true - and surprisingly well done.

Zoe Kravitz laced up her Catwoman boots for the new movie. Her "mask" will certainly be a talking point for many movie-goers. I didn't care for it. It looked like she was late for a burglary and didn't have a mask so she just grabbed an unfinished set of underwear she was in the middle of crocheting and put it on her head. If we see her again in the future, she's going to have to have a MUCH better costume. There would be no excuse for us to see her like this ever again. Other than that, I liked the way she portrayed Selina Kyle. I thought he relationship with Batman was really good - just like the dynamic that exists in the comics, video games and animated shows, so good job on that.

Colin Farrell made headlines months back when images of him as Oswald Cobblepot first circulated. He is practically unrecognizable. If you really look at his eyes, you can kind of see it, but man. What a makeup and prosthetics job. Truly incredible. I think he ended up being one of my favorite characters in the movie, which was surprising. He's just got some really great dialogue and, in my opinion, he's got a couple of the best lines in the movie. Looking forward to (hopefully) seeing where his character goes from here.

Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that several other minor characters are used to really lay the ground work for the world the movie takes place in. We learn about the political history of Gotham City, some genealogical troubles for several characters, get a little taste of the prison system (psychiatric and otherwise) and a whole lot of other things. Just little tiny Easter eggs here and there for Batman die-hards like me. Really great stuff and tremendous world-building by Matt Reeves and company.

Finally, there's the Riddler, who, let me just say, is totally insane. He's got the homemade bomber aesthetic going for him, which isn't really my favorite. Like, I don't mind that he's not in a bright green bowler hat with a cane and whatnot, but the idea that he's just some guy that had a few crazy ideas is a bit disturbing. However, there comes a point in the movie (you'll know it when it happens) when Paul Dano's character really takes things up a notch. He gestures at his head and makes a comment like, "I'm not physically strong. My power is up here." I thought that was probably the best explanation of what makes Riddler such a dangerous nemesis that I've heard. He's not going to go out and punch anybody in the face, but he's going to test the limits of his foes' intellect. I'm not sure he's quite on the level of Heath Ledger's Joker, but it really did get to a point where I thought, "Wow, this dude is completely unhinged." Very effective stuff.

Surprises

Behold, some tweets:

There was a point in my life when I was really into movie trailers. I'd watch those things multiple times to get myself hyped for upcoming shows. That period of my life is now over. I don't know if I just have more of a trained eye than I used to or if movie studios have just gotten worse and making trailers, but I feel like there are a lot of commercials and clips that they put out before they release the movie that show way too much.

It also doesn't help that there is a large portion of the nerd community that has taken up freeze-framing as a hobby, so they'll watch a trailer, pause it and micro-analyze what they see. Like, "Oh, look at this shadow! It's Venom. Look at this arm! It's Matt Murdock! Whose lightsaber is that? Rewind that for a second - it's Mecha-Godzilla! That's the left side of Patrick Stewart's head!" That stuff just drives me nuts. Why can't we all just agree to go to the theater and be surprised together?

I tried not to watch many trailers or clips for "The Batman." I think I watched the first trailer they came out with and maybe the second one, too. Other than that, I tried to go to the theater without having a general idea of what was going to happen. I'm glad that I did. It was so nice to watch something unfold on the screen and not be like, "Yeah, they're going to throw him in prison for this but he'll get out," or whatever. I didn't sit there for two and a half hours, thinking in the back of my mind, "Well, I know Batman and the Riddler will meet up, face-to-face, on a rooftop at some point because it shows it in the trailer." (That's a made-up example, by the way.) For the first time in a while, I went to a movie not really knowing what to expect, and that made for a really wild ride.

The Verdict

My brother-in-law just texted me. He asked if I thought "The Batman" was good because it was legitimately good, or if I thought "The Batman" was good because I like DC and want them to succeed. A valid question. I appreciate him asking me.

I responded, "I think it is a legitimately great movie."

Despite how much I enjoyed it, I don't think I will go see "The Batman" again in theaters, for a couple reasons:

1. I've got a kid that I miss when he's not with me, and finding a babysitter is a pain the butt sometimes.
2. It's really, really long, and I don't have all the time in the world like I have in years past.

However, I will definitely buy that movie as soon as it's available and will immediately re-watch it from the comfort of my own home, where I can pause it if I need a bathroom break or a snack.

Part of what made "The Batman" great is that it wasn't tied to a larger cinematic universe. I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but I read part of an article about an interview with Matt Reeves, where he said that making a movie with so many constraints put in place by the existing universe would make things really difficult for a filmmaker. It was awesome that "The Batman" could tell whatever story it wanted, without having to worry about what came before it or what will come next.

I thought that the cast was phenomenal. There were so many great performances. I sat there in the theater last night, wondering if this movie could actually get nominated for (or win) some major Academy Awards next year. Could it happen?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm probably a little unfair when critiquing reboots of franchises I love. It took me two full movies before I warmed up to Daniel Craig as James Bond. I wasn't thrilled when Ben Affleck was cast as Batman, but I got on board eventually (RIP Batfleck). Similarly, I wasn't ecstatic when I heard about Robert Pattinson, but you know what? I never saw "Twilight." Why on earth would I let that create low expectations? I tried my best to give him a chance and I think he was really, really good. It's a fresh spin on the character, for sure, but I truly enjoyed this movie.

I slept on all of this last night. I woke up thinking about it, too. That's the sign of a good movie. After some contemplation, I think this has got to be a Top-2 Batman movie. It's been a second since I've seen "The Dark Knight," so I would need to re-watch that before I can definitively say more, but "The Batman" is right up there. Some critics are calling it the best superhero movie ever made, which is a very bold claim because there have been a lot of really good superhero movies in the past decade, but if you're on the fence about seeing this movie and you can tolerate the dark themes, you've gotta give a shot - and, preferably, as soon as you can. I've seen some spoilers on Facebook already today, and the movie hasn't even been officially released for a full 24 hours. Be careful out there, people.

*****

What do you think? Have you seen "The Batman" yet? If so, how did you like it? Let's keep it as spoiler-free as we can, for people who haven't had a chance yet. Leave a comment below, follow us on Twitter (here and here) or hit me up with your hot takes on Facebook because I need all the 🗣 emojis.

Until next time.

Hamilton: An Underground Review

Prior to the writing of this blog post, I had never seen the musical phenomenon known as “Hamilton.” Barely knew anything about it. Never heard any of the songs. Honestly, never really cared to see it. But then Disney+ put it online for the world’s viewing pleasure and, unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you’ve undoubtedly come across somebody raving about it like a lunatic. At long last, I reluctantly decided to give it a shot (unintentional "Hamilton" pun), and these are my definitive thoughts on the matter:

Pre-viewing Thoughts and Initial Assumptions

First and foremost, let me explain something: I'm not generally one for Broadway shows. I've seen a handful of them, including "The Lion King" on Broadway in New York City, and I've played in the orchestra for a few of them ("Guys and Dolls," "Les Miserables," "Into the Woods"). You can never go wrong with “The Music Man.” I’ve seen a couple of others, too, including a few of them in person, but I'm no snob when it comes to musical theater. I'm not opposed to these shows, either, mind you, but from what I see on social media, I've got several dozen friends who would probably classify themselves as "experts" of the genre. I am not one of those people. I’m just a normal dude who played the trumpet for like 12 years and watches a lot of movies and TV, so take my opinion on this matter with an appropriately sized grain of salt. I don’t mean to offend any of you by critiquing this supposed tour de force of musicality.

For not ever seeing any clips of the show or listening to any of the music, I have heard A LOT about "Hamilton." Too much, probably. As far as I'm aware, this show is God's gift to humanity, and the greatest thing since the iPod Touch. Here’s what I knew before watching:

• I’ve gathered that the show prides itself on the diversity of its cast, which I believe traditionally consists of as few White people as possible (if any), which seems a little odd, considering the real-life ethnicity of the subjects in question, but whatever, I guess. (Note: Let me stress - I am not necessarily opposed to such diverse casting - it's just the same sort of eyebrow-raising reaction I'd have if they wrote a play about Rosa Parks and it starred a 12-year-old Asian girl. Not historically accurate, but show me what you've got, right?)
• I know that this musical is extremely popular, extremely expensive, and that it sold out within minutes when it came to Utah last year. I saw a couple social media posts from acquaintances that rang to the tune of, “Well, I couldn’t get tickets in Utah, so I guess third-row seats in Chicago will have to do,” and that annoyed me to no end. I hate “humble brags.”
• I've also been advised to watch with subtitles on. I appreciate a good rhyme, and I hope to be entertained by the lyrics, if nothing else.
• I know that Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the musical, and that he gave himself the starring role.

Speaking of Lin-Manuel Miranda, I'm vaguely familiar with his work, despite limited exposure. I know he did a lot of writing for the music in "Mary Poppins Returns," which was an ok movie – but not one that I ever feel compelled to see again in my life. I know that he super-hates Donald Trump, to the extent that I blocked him on Twitter (something that I have also done to Mark Hamill and should probably do to Chris Evans – I love those guys, and our current President does some things that I don't like, too, but when celebrities constantly tweet out a barrage of angry political posts, every single day, it is sometimes a bit too much for me). I also get the feeling that Lin-Manuel Miranda believes himself to be a generational talent and the current God of Broadway. This is simply an observation and not a critique of his skill; he is undisputedly a talented musician and a very clever man, and for that I congratulate him. I know that tons of people flat-out worship this dude, but, personally, LMM rubs me the wrong way. Nevertheless, I'd like to think that I can recognize good music and talented writing when I come across it, so I will try not to let that opinion affect my viewing of “Hamilton.”

Regarding Alexander Hamilton, himself, I remember next-to-nothing about the guy from my time in school, other than that he was shot by Aaron Burr (thanks, "Got Milk" commercial). (Editor’s note: Having now watched the show, this parody commercial is also worthwhile.) I suspect that watching the musical will teach me a lot about the history of it all. I don't know why Burr shot him, and, quite frankly, I don't really know whether Hamilton is a "good guy" in the end. I actually had to ask a co-worker the other day whether "Hamilton" was pro-American history because, the way politics are in today’s world, I simply didn't know.

I have not noticed such a buzz about a musical since it was announced that "Les Mis" was being made into a PG-13 movie in 2012. My Facebook friends didn't shut up about that for weeks, and the revelation that Disney was putting this thing online for the Fourth of July was not much different. With all of that being said, my overall, initial feeling about watching "Hamilton" tonight on Disney+ was not an overwhelmingly favorable one, yet I felt it my obligation and civic duty to do so as a quarantined American citizen. I tried my best to watch with an open mind, and my thoughts upon finishing it may surprise you.

Let’s break it down.

The Music

When I was playing in the orchestra for the Taylorsville Orchestra’s production of “Into the Woods” – a musical with which I had practically no prior familiarity – I had a difficult time getting to know and love the music. It’s a really weird show, and I felt like there were a few songs where the musicality of it all didn’t make much sense; it seemed, at times, like the lyricist was just throwing in as many words as they could, simply for the sake of telling a story. I did feel a little bit the same during some parts of “Hamilton.” Some songs were catchier than others, and I’m not sure I would hop right onto Spotify to stream the whole thing over again. However, the rhyming was largely impeccable and it is truly a feat to be able to string together true events in a rhyming format. (As someone who once strung together what I thought was a fairly clever 1,400-word rhyming recap of an entire school year of Doctrine and Covenants for Bingham High School seminary students, I’ve got to give it to Lin-Manuel – the lyrics in “Hamilton” were superb. The wordplay is masterful. To do it consistently for over two and a half hours is borderline insanity.)

One thing that I really loved about the show… Wait, did I just say “loved”?? Anyway, the mark of a great musical, for me, is the ability to reference previous songs (musically or lyrically) later on in the show. I appreciated how often songs would call back to something that happened earlier on. That was great.

As a soon-to-be father, myself, the stuff with Hamilton and Burr singing about becoming parents and their hopes for their children got to me. I've got a little boy on the way in October, and that stuff has been hitting pretty close to home lately.

Somewhat ironically, after that last paragraph, I had seen some comments saying that this is a musical best watched without children, and I can now agree to that for several reasons: first, there's a lot going on and the words are coming a mile a minute, so it's best to pay full attention to the screen whenever possible; and secondly, there's a moderate amount of profanity, including (as you all likely know by now) about half a dozen censored uses of the F-word. On multiple occasions, they basically spell it out for you, so even without saying the actual word, it's impossible not to know what letters they're leaving out. It's probably best not to subject your young ones to that at a young age. This is definitely a musical for grown-ups.

For the most part, the songs did a really good job of telling the story – occasionally giving a too much information a little too quickly – but they presented a ton of content from start to finish, and anything that makes me want to hop on Google and learn more about something has done its job well.

I still stand by my opinion that Lin-Manuel Miranda is an arrogant son of a gun, but I kind of don’t blame him for taking the lead role in the play. He put a heck of a lot of effort into writing that thing, and he deserves a ton of credit for how well it all came together.

After one viewing, off the top of my head (and I may be wrong), here are my top five songs from “Hamilton,” probably in order:

• Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story
• My Shot
• The Room Where It Happens
• What'd I Miss
• Dear Theodosia

Also, can I just say that "Talk less, smile more" is great advice for American citizens in today's day and age? For real.

The Story, the History and the Politics

As I said, I barely remembered anything about Alexander Hamilton. Heck, I’m pretty sure I had him confused with Andrew Jackson, who I’m sure Lin-Manuel Miranda probably would have hated, before I saw this show. Clearly, I had a lot to learn.

Alexander Hamilton did a lot of great stuff for our country. His story gets overshadowed by his premature death at the hands of Aaron Burr, which is exactly what the final 20 minutes or so of the musical explain. All of the other Founding Fathers got to live out the rest of their lives. I know their stories. These three hours were very educational for me, concerning the life of the first Secretary of the Treasury. What’s perhaps even more impressive was the list of accolades rattled off by his wife, Elizabeth, in the show’s closing moments. Wow. What a lady she was! And what a sad life they lived! From his less-than-ideal upbringing to his scandalous affair (and that weird stuff with the sister-in-law…), from the tragic death of their son to the marvelous tale of forgiveness. Pretty crazy, fascinating, powerful stuff. I’m glad that somebody took the time to do the research and give us a way to celebrate Hamilton’s accomplishments. I wish more stuff like this could be done for other famous historical figures.

Watching “Hamilton” during the pandemic and quarantine of 2020 was… Well, it’s quite a strange time that we’re living in. Within the past two months, the United States has faced the horrible beast of systemic racism. It shocks me and disgusts me to know that there are actually people out there who say, do and believe the things that we have been witnessing. Protests and riots have run rampant in the streets, demanding change, social reform and equality for African-Americans. Unfortunately, those protests have often not been peaceful nor productive, resulting, in several instances of vandalism and anarchy, not limited to the dumping of red paint on one statue of George Washington and the attempted destruction of another. (I’m not going to link to those news stories because I don’t want to have to look them up, but they really happened.)

Regarding the equality of race – a topic which I am truly unqualified to discuss at length – the diversity of the cast bothered me a little bit to begin with, and I did roll my eyes slightly when the only two White men that I noticed in the production were featured as two of the four main antagonists in the first act. However, as I began to see the significance of casting minorities in most of the roles, including all but one of the prominent ones – that is, that Hamilton fought tirelessly for anti-slavery and racial equality, which is a great thing – decisions like inaccurately casting George Washington (an old, White man with a powdered wig) as a bald Black man in the musical faded into obscurity and I just sat back and enjoyed the performances for what they were, regardless of the color of the actors’ skin. Plus, once we got the twinkle-toed Thomas Jefferson after the intermission, I was totally digging it.

As far as Alexander Hamilton’s reputation is concerned, this musical helped me remember that there weren’t really “good guys” and “bad guys” in the early days of American history. The men we revere as the “Founding Fathers” were all good, in many ways. Conversely, many of those same figures did things that, today, would qualify them as “bad guys.” Hamilton bribed a guy to turn a blind eye to the affair that was going on with his wife. He ticked off a lot of people and he made a ton of mistakes. Everybody did back then. They all fought each other and talked crap in the press (as the musical mentions) – something that is not uncommon today, unfortunately. I remember studying an era of American history that give birth to many “great debators.” No one was without flaws and nobody lived a perfect life – not even Washington, Jefferson or any of our other American heroes. Sadly, for most of these guys, their entire lives were being documented, blemishes and all. If only we, as Americans today, could be as forgiving and understanding as Elizabeth Hamilton was of her imperfect husband. Man, that would be nice.

The Performances

Shoutout number one goes to Daveed Diggs, who played Lafayette and Thomas Jefferson, was exceptional. Additionally, he bears a striking resemblance to WWE superstar Xavier Woods, in both appearance and mannerisms, and that just made me like him even more. His Act One rap as Lafayette was the first time I was genuinely grateful that I had closed captioning on, because he was firing off those words like a Gatling gun operator on Red Bull. His Act Two performance as the slightly salty Jefferson was equally grand.

Lin-Manuel was great, too. I admit it. He’s an unequivocal wordsmith and a pro on the stage. Doesn’t mean I have to unblock him on Twitter, though.

Christopher Jackson’s take on George Washington was also very good. He reminded me how incredible of a man and leader Washington was. There’s no way we could have survived as a nation without him.

I didn’t cry during “Hamilton,” but if I would have, it would have been because of Phillipa Soo’s performance in the final song. Dang. That was good stuff.

Leslie Odom Jr. was solid as Aaron Burr. He brought the house down with "The Room Where It Happens." He had some killer dance moves scattered in there, too. Props, brother. I'll probably never watch "Murder on the Orient Express" the same way ever again. Plus, after watching it once, I already know whodunnit, anyway.

And can we just give it up for King George (Jonathan Groff)? That dude was freaking hilarious, saliva spitting and all. For as despicable as he actually was, historically, his character sure added some comic relief to “Hamilton.”

The Final Verdict

“Hamilton” did not cure world hunger. It didn’t solve the question of widespread poverty. Realistically, in order for “Hamilton” to have lived up to all of the hype I'd heard, Lin-Manuel Miranda would have had to come down from heaven, where he allegedly resides, to sing me an encore. There was no way on earth that this show could possibly have been as incredible as everyone told me it was.

But was it enjoyable? Yes. Did I have fun watching it? Yes.

Would I ever watch it again? If I can find time to carve out another three hours, maybe! Am I just singing and dancing my way to sleep tonight? No, I can’t remember any of the words, except “Al-ex-an-der Ham-il-ton” and "I am not throwing away my... shot."

Am I glad that I watched it? Sure. I liked it more than I thought I was going to.

More than anything, it was refreshing to spend some time watching something that celebrates our American heritage, for a change. These days, in the midst of people reportedly campaigning to tear down Mt. Rushmore, it was nice not to have to worry about that negativity for a couple hours and remember that, despite our flaws - some of them more evident now than ever - this is still the greatest country in the world.

Finally, you might ask if I will remember Alexander Hamilton’s name. Yes, I will, and I now know that it is not “Andrew Jackson.”

***

All right. How’d I do? Go ahead and fact-check me or correct me and tell me I’m wrong. While you’re at it, let me know if there was anything that I got right. I know the world is buzzing about “Hamilton” right now, and I’d love to hear what you have to say. Feel free to leave a comment below, reach out to me on Facebook, or follow me on Twitter (here and here).

Oh, and if you’re still reading, feel free to poke around the blog to see what else I’ve been talking about. There’s a good chance you had no idea all this stuff existed.

Until next time,

Move It! Sell It! And Leave the Door Open!

10 Things I Still Hate About 'The Last Jedi'

The Last Jedi is, without a doubt, the worst Star Wars movie ever made. I know everybody dunks on the prequels, but here's the difference between those movies and Episode VIII: the prequels were unintentionally bad. They had good intentions and they meant well, but they just fell short of everybody's expectations.

The Last Jedi was something else altogether. Episode VIII was something far more sinister than Senator Palpatine could ever fathom. Yes, The Last Jedi was a gigantic, purposeful and deliberate middle finger to the entire fan base. Screw your fan theories. Forget everything you thought you knew! Darth Lord Rian Johnson showed up back in 2017 and tarnished everything you wanted to see in a new-age Star Wars movie.

Don't believe me? Heaven forbid you disagree with me! Here. Take my hand, and let's go for a little walk down memory lane as we revisit TEN THINGS I STILL HATE ABOUT THE LAST JEDI.

10. The Casino Planet, the Code Breaker and animal cruelty

The detour to the Casino planet was a complete waste of time. Finn and Rose are sent there to search for a man with the ability to crack the First Order's defense systems. He's a rich guy and he hangs out with arms dealers, so they head to the casino in hopes of tracking him down. After 15 minutes or so of them wandering around with some cheap laughs for BB-8, they get arrested for a parking violation and thrown in jail. While they're in jail, they meet a stuttering Benicio Del Toro, who also happens to possess the skill to hack the supposedly impenetrable code. This prompts the question: why did they even go to that planet in the first place? Why couldn't they have saved the audience time and just bumped into that guy in some slums or a dark alley?

Another major irritant about this section of the movie is that Rose goes off on her anti-war, anti-animal cruelty tirade. Of course, there are some ethical dilemmas when it comes to any kind of violence, and it is never right to abuse animals - but was this really the right venue to make such a statement?

"It was worth it, though," Finn says of his time at the casino. "To tear up that town, make 'em hurt."

Rose unlatches the saddle from the animal that helped them escape and responds, "Now it's worth it."

Give me a break.

Whether done on purpose or not, I believe that this brief interaction between the so-called "Code Breaker" and one of his female companions is a great illustration to depict the relationship between fans, asking normal, totally logical questions about The Last Jedi, and the way director Rian Johnson approached the film - with absolute self-righteousness and complete disregard for the viewers:

9. Leia channels her inner "Mary Poppins"

One of the earliest problems I have with The Last Jedi comes a surprising 31 minutes into the film. From my recollection, I thought this moment came later on, but no! It's merely a quarter of the way through the movie. After an attack from the First Order, General Leia Organa's ship is fired upon and she is blasted into space. For a moment, she floats there in the darkness, seemingly devoid of life. It appeared to be a sad yet serene farewell to Carrie Fisher's character; she died nearly a year to the day before the theatrical release of Episode VIII, and Leia's fate was the center of much conversation leading up to the movie, with fans curious as to how her real-life death would affect her character's story.

But a moment later, Leia's hand twitches. Her fingers stretch out. And her eyes open. Then, as if propelled by some mystical force - THE Force - the princess jets through space with ease and the utmost grace, returning safely to an undamaged section of the ship she just got knocked out of. Cool. We go to see Leia use the Force for a moment. But what the heck was that?! Since when does becoming a Jedi make you immune to the vacuum of space?? If anything, it was more humorous than it was awe-inspiring.

8. The failure to kill off Leia

Along those lines comes my frustration with Johnson's refusal to kill Leia off. As I mentioned, Carrie Fisher died on December 26, 2016. Episode VIII was released on December 15, 2017. I understand that most of the movie was already shot and they may have even wrapped up most of production before the cherished actress passed away - and I don't mean to make light of that situation - but they surely would have had time to do a quick re-write, if even just to add in a line at the end of the movie saying something like, "We'll sure miss General Organa. She's just boarded a ship for a reconnaissance mission to a distant planet." But they kept her alive through the end of the movie, which means that JJ Abrams will have to wrap that stuff up in Episode IX.

And it's not like they didn't have multiple opportunities to write her out of the story, either! First and foremost, they could have had Leia die in the attack I mentioned above. Best-case scenario, they could have had Kylo Ren double down and pull the trigger to kill off his mother to go along with what he did to Han in The Force Awakens. Instead, Kylo hesitates and another First Order ship took the shot. Having the spaceman formerly known as Ben Solo REALLY would have made him the despicable villain that this franchise so often truly lacks. Missed opportunity.

Heck, even if they wanted to give Leia her little Mary Poppins moment, they could have done it, shown that she did, indeed, have great Force sensitivity, then have her die in the emergency wing of the ship. "We regret to inform you that General Organa didn't make it." Simple! They didn't do that either, though, instead opting for her to stay in a coma for a while before re-emerging with nary a physical sign that any harm was done to her in the first place. She walks with a cane at the end of the movie, and that's it.

Another option would have been to put her on a transport ship with a bunch of "redshirts," as opposed to the ship she actually boarded, which contained most of the other main characters, and have Kylo and his minions blow that ship out of the sky.

Yet another option would have been to have Leia make the controversial sacrifice that Vice Admiral Holdo ended up making (which I'll get to in a second). That would have been a heroic way to go, but that didn't happen.

The final option I'll give here is that she could have been taken out in the final battle - again, preferably by her son, Kylo Ren, but she escapes with the remaining Rebels and lives to see another movie. We'll learn her ultimate fate in Rise of Skywalker, with footage that allegedly was all recorded for scenes that ended up getting cut from The Last Jedi.

I'll say it one final time: they should have killed off Leia and kept Luke around for Episode IX.

7. Holdo's sudden switch

From the moment we met Vice Admiral Holdo, the purple-haired stiff on Leia's staff, we weren't supposed to like her. She immediately set herself at odds with Poe Dameron, who she condescendingly referred to as "fly boy," among other things. She doesn't seem like a nice lady at all, and she goes out of her way to stop Poe from attempting any type of rescue effort, even going so far as to pull a gun on him at one point.

All the while, we're cheering for Poe to figure out a way to help the Resistance, but, at every turn, he is thwarted by Holdo, who refuses to explain herself to the hero pilot. Later in the film, when Leia returns to consciousness from her fairy dust-induced coma, the princess-general explains to Poe that Holdo was... apparently a good guy the entire time?!?

The Effie Trinket wannabe abruptly transforms her trademark scowl into a smile. She gets all touchy-feely with Leia, they start finishing each other's sentences (which is... kind of weird), and then she volunteers to become the sacrificial lamb that will buy enough time for the Rebel transport ships to escape. Although her Star Destroyer-splitting maneuver was admittedly pretty incredible, her sudden change of heart was completely unbelievable and the lack of any kind of connection to the viewer is the reason why, in the end, nobody gave a crap about this stupid character. She cost the Rebellion tons of time by being a little brat and likely cost a significant amount of lives in the process. Great job.

6. Finn and Phasma

Captain Phasma is, without a doubt, the biggest waste of a Star Wars character that we have ever seen. At first glance, that shiny chrome armor is terribly intimidating and one can only imagine the terror that Phasma might strike into the hearts of her opponents.

Well, she didn't really do much of anything in The Force Awakens, aside from, we assume - because Han asks Finn about it - getting thrown into a trash compactor. Somehow, she survived that alleged incident and shows up again in The Last Jedi to confront her mortal enemy (I guess?), FN-2187, the stormtrooper that abandoned the First Order like the coward he is. After a brief battle, Finn disposes of Phasma yet again, purportedly killing her once and for all, after hardly putting up a fight worthy of conversation. It's just pathetic. I mean, there's nothing else to really be said about it.

Also, for some reason toward the end of the movie, Finn starts speaking like George Lucas wrote the script. "Let's go, chrome dome." OOOOOH! Tough words, Finn! Tough words! This was not Finn's best movie.

5. Rose's decision to "save" Finn - and just Rose, in general

Speaking of Finn, let's talk about his relationship with Rose. I know that in real life, Kelly Marie Tran was the victim of a lot of cyber-bullying and hate mail, and that's never ok, but the fact is that - regardless of race or gender - this is just a badly written character. She's annoying and obnoxious and does a lot of really irritating things - not the least of which was saving Finn from his would-be kamikaze run during the final battle.

On the salty battlefield in the last act of the movie, Poe, Finn, Rose and a handful of other valiant Rebel pilots suit up and hop into some rickety old ships to confront Kylo Ren's dastardly forces. These ships are real pieces of crap, by the way; Poe accidentally stomps his foot through the bottom of his at one point. Finn realizes that the First Order has set up a battering ram cannon that will tear through the Resistance's defenses like tissue paper, and he decides that the only way to stop it is to send his decrepit little plane hurtling right into it.

Finn makes a beeline for the cannon, despite the pleas of many of his companions telling him to stop. Dramatic music builds, Finn says his goodbyes, closes his eyes and... gets rammed in the side from out of nowhere by Rose, who wants to save her friend's life.

I remember seeing that in theaters for the first time. I remember looking so puzzled at my wife saying WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME FROM?

— DJ Mein (@DMein89) December 19, 2019

I received a Snapchat video from my brother this afternoon, in which he visually broke down, step-by-step, the fact that Finn was the ONLY ship heading toward the First Order at that point. Every single other ship had flipped a U-turn and retreated. Even seconds before Finn gets T-boned, Rose is nowhere to be found. It's completely illogical.

Keeping in mind that these flimsy little planes are pieces of literal trash, how is it possible that Rose could crash into Finn at a high speed like that and not kill both of them in the process? That would have been amazing - if Rose accidentally died and took out Finn in one fell swoop, and then the First Order wiped out the Resistance with the battering ram. Oh man. But no. She somehow survives with only a few facial abrasions to show for it. Finn, on the other hand, appears completely unharmed and is spectacularly able to get out of his crashed ship and run over to Rose's lifeless body -- AND NOBODY FROM THE FIRST ORDER THINKS TO EVEN TAKE ONE SHOT AT HIM?! Don't understand that at all. Anyway, when Finn finally gets to Rose, she takes the time to mention that the only way to win this war is not to destroy the things they hate, but save the things they love.

At that moment, with an explosion going off in the background LOL, she plants a kiss right on Finn's lips, and he looks about as confused at this spontaneous romantic relationship as the rest of us:

4. Supreme Leader Snoke's sudden demise

I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about this one because the guys who wrote this movie didn't, either. In The Force Awakens, we are introduced to this poorly CGI-ed freak that, we presume, is "the new Big Bad," as the hipsters say. He's Kylo Ren's boss, and theories swirled online for months about his true identity. Was he an even more physically misshapen form of Emperor Palpatine? Was he Darth Plagueis?

Nah, in the end, Kylo Ren just randomly decided to chop him in half, as if Rian Johnson printed up a list of fan theories and ripped it right down the middle. So... he's dead now. Like, I don't know what else to tell you.

3. Old, Bitter Luke

I actually saw an analogy the other day that resonated with me - and there are some aspects of Old, Bitter Luke that I kind of like. I actually really liked learning about his troubled history with Ben Solo, for instance. But there is still plenty to complain about when it comes to the character that I wanted to be as a child.

The comparison that was given was provided by Cody Rhodes, a popular professional wrestler. He compared Luke's story arc to what sometimes happens in his industry: fans beg for the "legends" like The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin to come back and wrestle one more time. The problem is, though, as WWE has recently seen in sub-par "return matches" for the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, the Undertaker and Goldberg, that these guys aren't the same people they were 20 years ago. You can't expect Hulk Hogan to come back and fight Roman Reigns today anymore than a Utah Jazz fan could long for the golden days and wish that Stockton and Malone would lace up their sneakers to save the team from what, so far, has been a rough start to the season. They're older, out of shape and haven't been doing that stuff for a long time.

Such was the case in The Last Jedi, when Rey mistakenly thought that asking Luke nicely to come back and help out would solve all of her problems. Luke had been living a hermit's life on that gorgeous island for who-knows-how-long, and he wasn't in shape, as far as Force usage was concerned. I can understand why he wouldn't exactly jump at the chance to go fight a much younger, stronger enemy in Kylo Ren.

But they didn't have to make him such a jerk about things. Luke is rude to Rey for the majority of his screen time. He hates what he has helped create, wants to literally burn it all down to the ground, and he takes out his verbal aggression on somebody who genuinely cared about and admired him. It's not a good look.

Plus, I know we all sometimes do some weird stuff when we're alone and nobody else is around, but what the heck was up with him drinking that stuff right out of the utters of that disgusting creature? That was certainly something I never really wanted to see in my entire life.

Honorable mention: Porgs suck!

2. The End of Luke Skywalker

Here, again, there are a couple things I liked, but it's a net-negative, in terms of weighing the good and the bad. The part where Luke walks out like a baller to stare down the entire First Order is pretty good, and the moment where he reappears from the dust and brushes off his shoulder is fantastic. But let's talk about a couple other things here.

First of all, I'm a little unsure how Force projections work. In the past, the only time we have seen Force Ghosts have been instances where they're just kind of standing around, like at the end of Return of the Jedi. In Episode VIII, we see Force Ghost Yoda appear to Luke, just as Luke is about to set fire to that gnarly Jedi tree. Yoda whacks his former apprentice on the head with his cane, so it appears that these ghosts can physically interact with living things. Similarly, we see Luke (who, unbeknownst to us at the time, is a Force projection) walk into the Resistance's base and not only touch his sister Leia, but also give her (what appear to be) the dice that Han hung in the Millennium Falcon.

However, shortly thereafter, Luke goes out to face Kylo Ren in a lightsaber duel. His feet leave no footprints in the salt, and when Kylo goes to stab his ex-Master in the chest, the weapon goes straight through him. So... are Force projections physical beings or not? There is no consistency on which to base an answer.

Hooray. Luke stalls long enough for the Resistance to escape through the back of their base. Waiting for them on the other side is Rey, who my co-worker estimates trained with Luke on the island for approximately 17 WHOPPING HOURS. In that time, she learned how to use the Force so strongly that she could lift, undoubtedly, several tons of boulders into the air, suspend them for long enough for everyone to get out, then drop them peacefully on either side of her friends without dropping a pebble on anyone! It's incredible!

Meanwhile, Luke bids a snarky farewell to Kylo Ren and vanishes. We return to the island, where we see the gray-bearded superstar levitating and collapsing on his meditation rock. Moments later, after staring one final time into that double sunset, he disappears for good, like his master, Obi-Wan, before him.

Having grown up idolizing Luke Skywalker, I just hoped that he would have gone out in a more memorable way than that - bitter, alone and mostly washed up.

1. Rey's parents

They floated this storyline in front of us like the proverbial Dangling Carrot from some of the earliest moments in The Force Awakens. Rey is an orphan, having been left to fend for herself on Jakku at a very young age. However, there seems to be some kind of legend or rumor or theory about her (or a girl just like her, maybe?), because Kylo Ren immediately freaks out when he finds out that "a girl" has recovered BB-8. On top of that, several others, including Han Solo, Leia and Maz Canata, appear to be aware that Rey might be special.

Again, in The Last Jedi, it is insinuated several times that Rey's parents might have been somebody famous. Obviously, the most widespread theory is that she's somehow a Skywalker. Perhaps a Kenobi (Obi-Wan's voice is heard calling her by name when she finds Luke's Skywalker in VII). Heck, maybe she's a freaking Palpatine! That would be insane! Her murky genealogy is mentioned on several different occasions:

When Rey is drawn to the Dark Side in that freakish cavern, she walks up to a wall of ice, where she sees two silhouettes walking towards her. Seconds before we see these shadows, Rey is audibly begging to know who her parents were, for heck's sake! Ultimately, they merge into one figure, which ends up just being Rey's own reflection. More than anything else in this entire movie, that particular moment pissed me off. My heart was pounding leading up to it, but for us not to get an answer right there felt like Rian Johnson spit right in my face. He knew everybody was wondering who Rey's parents were, he teased us with it - quite blatantly - and he refused to give us an answer.

Then, in addition to that, her parents are mentioned by Kylo Ren during the elevator ride up to see Snoke. Rey is trying to convince Kylo to turn, but he says that he possesses information that will cause Rey to convert to the Dark Side of the Force. He knows the identity of Rey's parents.

After the Throne Room battle (in which Rey, who has only truly fought with a lightsaber one time manages to take on two to three people at the same time on multiple instances), Rey finds out that her parents were "nobody." CHECK THAT.

From my recollection, I thought that Kylo Ren told Rey about her parents, which could easily be construed as a lie (similar to a major twist at the end of "Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald," which I'm pretty sure was a fabrication of the truth). However, as I watched the movie back this week, I was reminded that Kylo doesn't tell Rey anything - SHE TELL HIM. SHE ADMITS IT, HERSELF.

SO. We have a couple options here.

• Rey's parents actually are nobodies that were just junk traders that were buried in a pauper's grave
• Rey's emotions got the best of her, she didn't actually know, and she totally guessed
• Kylo was mind-tricking her into believing that her parents were nobody
• Kylo was not mind-tricking her, but he had planned on lying (or guessing) that her parents were of no consequence, and Rey somehow inadvertently said exactly what he wanted her to say
• Rey is a clone and doesn't actually have parents
• Rey didn't know her actual parents at all but was raised by someone else who took on the "parental" responsibilities; Kylo incorrectly assumed those adoptive parents were her biological parents; the audience is not smart enough to comprehend the complexity of the situation

Regardless, Rian Johnson made a big, giant mess, and poor JJ Abrams is going to be forced to clean it up because I, along with pretty much everyone else on the planet, know that we WILL be getting a definitive answer to, at least, that one, specific question.

Now, I'm hoping that Rey's parents turn out to be anyone OTHER than a Skywalker. If Rey's dad is Luke or if her mom is Leia, we've got some issues:

• Leia refers to Rey as "The Girl." Whether she is the mother or aunt, I can't imagine any good family member referring to their child or niece/nephew as "The Girl." I have four nephews and a niece. I would never refer to them as "The Boy" or "That Kid." Some family member she would be, huh?
• If Luke is the dad or uncle, he completely ignored the fact that it would even be a possibility when he asked Rey where she came from. "Nowhere," she replies. Everybody's from somewhere, Luke insists. When Rey says she's from Jakku, Luke smarmily jabs that Jakku basically is the middle of nowhere. It's a funny line, but, if Luke ever lived on that planet, had a kid on that planet, had family on that planet, or (pardon me) knocked up somebody from that planet, don't you think he'd at least raise an eyebrow?

If Rey is a Skywalker, that's one crappy family and they treated her like dirt for two entire movies.

***

I could go on and on about how much I hated The Last Jedi, how much Rian Johnson's "vision" ruined the franchise, and a million other things that just don't make any sense at all, but I'm going to stop here or I'm gonna miss my 10:00 showtime. More than anything, I'm just disappointed that something that so many people hold so dear, as silly as it may seem, was skewed and jacked up so badly by one person who honestly does not seem to give a crap about any of it.

Here is yet another image that perfectly sums up what I feel that Rian Johnson did when he took the helm of Episode VIII:

Please, somebody, tell me I'm not up in the night with this stuff. If you want to trash talk this movie, I'm here for you. Let me hear it. You can comment below, follow me on Twitter (@atownmania and @sottunderground) or chat me up on Facebook.

Here's hoping that we head out to the theaters tonight or tomorrow or this weekend or next week and we all have a pleasant experience, enjoying something that we all love, without having to fear that some nerd is going to wreck it all again. We trust you, JJ! May the Force be with you, sir!

Amen.

Is 'Hobbs & Shaw' an enjoyable stand-alone movie?

"The Land Before Time" sequels. Dungeons & Dragons. "Hello Kitty." Ugg boots. Math 1060. These are all things that I know exist, but I can't tell you a single thing about them.

Here's another one: the "Fast & the Furious" franchise. I know that it's out there and I know that they're still spitting out movies, but my vast knowledge of popular culture barely scrapes the surface of Vin Diesel's greatest contribution to society. Let's break it down.

Here is every single thing I knew about the "Fast & the Furious" franchise on August 6, 2019:

• For starters, I saw "2 Fast 2 Furious" twice (ironically) in high school because I worked at a movie theater when it came out and I didn't have to pay either time. I swear, I only went the second  time because one of my friends asked really nicely. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest, most profanity-laced movies I have ever seen. Collectively, those were five hours of my life that I can never get back.
• I knew that the movies are typically filled with fancy cars, scantily clad women and ludicrous heists. (That's a pun because I remember that Ludacris was in "2 Fast 2 Furious.") But yeah, I guess that's what they do in these shows, right? They... steal stuff in their fancy cars?
• Many moons ago, I was talked into Redboxing "Fast Five," I think. Whichever one The Rock was introduced in. Other than that, I don't remember anything about it.
• They love talking about "family."
• Paul Walker died just before the seventh movie. There is some scene at the end that, I guess, made some people cry.
• I watched the end of "The Fast & the Furious (1)" a couple years ago. I didn't recall it being particularly good.
• Long story short (too late), I randomly got a free digital copy of "The Fate of the Furious (8)" a year or two ago. I have never watched a second of it, but I know that it's sitting in my VUDU.
• The debut trailer for the first F&F spin-off, "Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw," looked like a heck of a lot of fun. I think it aired as a 2019 Super Bowl commercial. I knew that Hobbs and Shaw were both villains in previous films, once upon a time, but it looked like they'd both turned good for the new movie. I assumed that they really hate each other. By the looks of it, they'd reluctantly work together to stop the self-proclaimed "Black Superman," Idris Elba.

• Last week, I saw that there was a marathon of many of the previous F&F movies on USA and SyFy. I recorded as many as I could find (I think I got 1 through 5) to see if it was worth binge-watching them all before potentially checking out the spin-off.
• The other day, I watched a nine-minute video recap of all F&F movies leading up to "Hobbs & Shaw," which I suppose was enlightening to some extent, but I couldn't repeat back to you any of what I learned, even if you offered to pay me.
• Last Friday night, I attempted to live-tweet "The Fast & the Furious (1)." I fell asleep before the movie was over because it was so unbearably bad. Again, I can confidently say that it is probably one of the worst movies (quality-wise) that I have ever seen. Would not recommend. Would not watch again.

That's it. That's all I knew before about 6:15 last night. Recently, my brother had asked me on several occasions to go see "Hobbs & Shaw" with him, and a $5 ticket to see it in IMAX on Tuesday night was too good an offer for me to pass up.

Still, one resounding question burned in my mind like a face full of exhaust from a 1969 Camaro:

• Would I be able to enjoy a Fast & the Furious spin-off movie, considering my truly minimal familiarity with the franchise? Could "Hobbs & Shaw" be an enjoyable stand-alone movie?

I'll give it to you straight, my friends:

Heck yeah, I enjoyed it.

From this point on, I'm going to try to keep things mostly spoiler-free, but I'm going to leave this warning here, just in case you want to go into "Hobbs & Shaw" completely blind.

"Hobbs & Shaw" follows Luke Hobbs (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) and Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) in their mission to stop a technologically and mechanically enhanced villain (played by Idris Elba) from unleashing a biochemical virus that would turn humans' internal organs to jelly. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I explained that right. I mean, it's completely preposterous from top to bottom, right from the start.

It turns out that one of my assumptions about the plot was right: they do really hate each other. Due to their clashing personalities, they struggle to work together to achieve their common goal. The movie kicks off by highlighting and contrasting those differences - The Rock's punch-through-problems attitude and Statham's suave British style - in a fun and frenzied beat-'em-up montage. Right away, I knew this movie was going to be totally chaotic and utterly silly.

Elba's character is an imposing force - and one of the better, cooler on-screen bad guys in recent memory - made seemingly unstoppable by his natural physique and robotic enhancements. He's not a superhero, but the man is practically super-human; it turns out that the whole "Black Superman" brag is not unreasonable.

Things go a awry early on and Hobbs and Shaw are framed for an act of terrorism, causing them to take a more covert approach to their quest. The movie jaunts across the globe to several jaw-dropping locations, including London, Moscow and a couple other destinations that I won't mention here. It's a gorgeous-looking movie and it was real nice in IMAX.

I'm not sure how seriously the other F&F movies take themselves, but "Hobbs & Shaw" established a completely over-the-top nature immediately. I'm not sure how many physicists or medical experts plan on seeing this movie, but I can't imagine they'll be pleased with the logic of any of it. I am neither scientist nor doctor and therefore couldn't have cared less about the reality of it all. You've got to know what you're getting yourself into here. It's explosive, it's wild, and it's not even slightly realistic.

The term "unapologetic self-awareness" came to mind as I took it all in. There were jokes in the dialogue about The People's Eyebrow, The Rock's propensity for wearing form-fitting clothing, Statham's role in "The Italian Job" and a slew of additional Easter eggs and jokes that came within a sliver of breaking the Fourth Wall. That stuff had me cracking up throughout most of the 2-hour-17-minute run time. It was as if "Hobbs & Shaw" was continuously winking into the proverbial camera, letting viewers in on the joke that THIS IS JUST A MOVIE. While I understand that that type of humor isn't for everyone, I thought that sense of outrageousness made the everything even more fun to watch.

Let it be known that not everything works. Some of the CGI was a bit suspect (but who cares?), one action scene early in the movie involving an interrogation room and a chair looked totally hokey (but who cares?) and, most egregiously, there was one bit of dialogue that leaned much too heavily on a character comedically lowering the pitch of his voice in order to sound more masculine; we saw that exact gag a year ago in "Avengers: Infinity War." I wasn't going to get bent out of shape about any of that, though. Just know, heading into it, that it's a silly movie that should not be - and does not want to be - taken seriously.

"Hobbs & Shaw" felt like a very long movie, but it never seemed slow and I was never even remotely bored. Furthermore, despite several references to previous movies in the franchise, I never felt lost out-of-the-loops. Surely, a couple moments would probably have been more meaningful to me if I had spent the better part of two decades watching these movies, but any references to previous plot points were almost always said in passing.

Another thing to keep in mind before hitting the theaters with the family is that there is quite a bit of adult language throughout. While the cumulative amount of swear words pales in comparison to "2 Fast 2 Furious," there are a ton a few references to male anatomy (some more obvious and explicit than others, and they taper off about half-way through), there's no shortage of terms like "S.O.B." and other similar British terms, and there is one (simultaneously uttered) use of the F-word, as well as another one that is not heard but pretty clearly mouthed through a pane of glass. So... this maybe wouldn't be a great show to recommend to Mama.

As the credits began to roll and my brother and I began to share our thoughts, I turned to him and asked him what his least favorite part of the movie was. He took the words right out of my mouth: sometimes, the dialogue was very difficult to understand. I am not positive whether this was because the movie is just generally very noisy, because some of the foreign accents were so thick, or a combination of the two, but there were a couple scenes where I literally had no idea what they were talking about. For instance, the use of permanent vocal distortion is used for one character, making anything they said rather tricky to decipher.

Quick side note: Speaking of "credits," there are two mid-credits scenes and one post-credits scene at the very end. They are generally played off for laughs and are not entirely consequential to the plot.

My brother asked me what my favorite part of the movie was. That was tough to pin down because there were a lot of really fun action scenes that I genuinely enjoyed. Unlike what I know about previous F&F films, H&S is not a heist movie. I'd classify it as more of an action/spy thriller - a ridiculous mix of the best parts of the "Mission: Impossible" and James Bond films. This movie was actually quite similar to the feel of "Mission: Impossible - Fallout," which I also thoroughly enjoyed seeing on in IMAX. Statham and Johnson's physical comedy was hilarious and I loved their quirky-yet-compatible chemistry. Those are two guys - and Elba, too - that I would not want to pick a fight with. It was just sheer brutality - non-stop, wall-to-wall action - and it was a blast to watch.

I also liked seeing my boy Roman Reigns (The Rock's actual cousin) in a supporting role late in the movie. It's good to see The Big Dog getting some love outside of WWE's "squared circle." He seems like a good guy in real life, no matter what pro wrestling fans think of his persona on TV, so I'm happy that he got the opportunity. I also recognized one of the other actors, who I realized after the movie was a lead character from the TV show "Fear the Walking Dead." I knew he looked familiar. There are also a couple other surprising cameos which I will not spoil here. They came as quite a shock to me, and you'll know who I'm talking about as soon as you see them.

Watching "Hobbs & Shaw" reminded me a lot of the time that my brother and I saw (and loved) "Kong: Skull Island," an equally preposterous CGI extravaganza. I knew "Skull Island" wasn't going to win the Oscar for Best Picture, but heck if I wasn't entertained. "Hobbs & Shaw" was similar in many ways. It's probably not even going to be nominated for any major awards, but it's just pure, adrenaline-riddled chaos, from start to finish. More than anything, it was a great excuse for me to take a break, kick back, relax and turn my brain off for a couple hours.

The Verdict:

Do you need to have an extensive knowledge of the Fast franchise before watching the spin-off?: No.

Is the movie a believable representation of the limits of the human body and/or man's extensive knowledge of science and physics? Heck no.

Did I like it anyway?: Heck yes.

Would I recommend it to my parents?: Unlikely.

Would I see it again in theaters?: Yes.

Knee-jerk star rating: 7 or 8 out of 10 stars.

Final Thoughts:

Admittedly, I went into this movie with very, very low expectations. I figured I may not totally understand the complexities of Hobbs and Shaw being forced to work together and some (if not most) of the plot may go over my head. I didn't think it was going to be great, but I thought I could have fun if I went in with an open mind. To the logical mind, the plot is total and abject nonsense, but I don't go to the theater looking to find flaws like that. It's just a movie. It's fiction. It's not real, people. For the mere sake of its tremendous entertainment value, I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone who is seeking a temporary reprieve from the chaos of current events, regardless of their familiarity with the pre-existing "Fast & Furious" franchise.

Take it from a guy who knew next-to-nothing about these movies beforehand: "Hobbs & Shaw" was a heck of a ride, a pleasant surprise and, unlike two of the movies that came before it, a movie that I am not ashamed to have seen.

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Have you seen "Hobbs & Shaw"? What did you think? Are you a long-standing fan of these movies in the first place? Let us know in the comments below, on Facebook, Twitter or via carrier pigeon. We'd love to hear from you!