We are back once again with another season of our highly anticipated, incredibly scientific power rankings! This time around, we publish the results for "Stranger Things: Season 4," as a follow-up to our previous power rankings for Season 3 and Season 2. Apparently, and this is news to us, we didn't do power rankings for Season 1, which is... regrettable.
Hot on the heels of the fourth season of Netflix's wildly popular streaming show, we asked around 700 of our closest Facebook friends to answer a handful of questions. Needless to say, we did not receive 700 responses. However, we finally wrangled up enough answers to put together some believable data.
Before we proceed - and this should be super obvious - if you haven't yet watched "Stranger Things: Season 4," you should not continue reading this blog. If you're a fan of the show and you're all the way caught up, however, you're surely chomping at the bit to see what people's opinions were, so give us just one more second here...
Insert obligatory spoiler warning:
As usual, we asked those who took our survey to rank the top "Stranger Things" characters, in order of their importance to the plot. This time around, we also asked them to rank those same characters, from "favorite" to "least favorite."
A couple notes about the ranking questions:
We gave a list of 20 characters from this season, which was a lot to ask, but we're eternally grateful for those who devoted a few minutes of their time to do so.
Because the "power rankings" survey is recurring, we included the +/- movement that characters featured in previous polls experienced. Because this was the first time we've done a "favorite character" poll, we don't have any previous polls to compare for movement.
There were five characters in this season's polls that did not appear in the Season 3 poll.
In the event of a tie (there was one in each poll), the characters will share a ranking and be listed alphabetically.
In addition to the two ranking polls, we asked eleven multiple choice or short-answer questions, two of which were optional.
With no further ado, here are the results:
Season 4 Power Rankings Survey
Biggest movers: Max Mayfield (+10), Erica Sinclair (-8)
New this season: Doctor Brenner (Papa)
Dropped from rankings: Billy Hargrove, Alexei, Mayor Larry Kline
Most powerful: No one ranked Eleven lower than #2.
Season 4 Favorite Character Survey
People person: Everyone who took this survey had Steve Harrington in their Top Three.
Question 1: Describe Vecna in one sentence.
"Twisted and tormented, yet powerful and looking for vengeance."
"Creepy as heck but less scary as the season goes on."
"The Devil."
"Pure evil awesomeness."
"Eeeevvvviiilll!"
"The ultimate picture of vengeance wrapped up with perfect storytelling."
"The artist formerly known as One formerly known as Henry Creel."
"Pants or no pants? That is the question."
Question 2: Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)" is...
Question 3: Pineapple on pizza is...
Question 4: Who was Season 4's MVP?
Question 5: Other than an MVP candidate, whose performance in Season 4 was most pleasantly surprising?
Question 6: Whose performance in Season 4 was most disappointing?
Question 7: What deserves a trophy for "Moment of the Season"?
Question 8: Which of the main characters is most likely to die in Season 5? (Pick two)
Eleven - 62.5%
Steve Harrington - 50%
Will Byers - 50%
Mike Wheeler - 12.5%
Question 9: Rate Season 4, on a scale from 1 (bad) to 5 (amazing)
5 - 62.5%
4 - 37.5%
Question 10: Make a bold prediction for Season 5.
"Mike and Eleven will break up again."
"Vecna uses Will against the others."
"Max will come back to live and will have gained some of Eleven’s powers. She will fight Vecna again and possibly take over for Eleven should she die."
"Will is to Vecna as Harry Potter is to Voldemort. Vecna will use Eddie to torment Dustin. Max will wake up with powers."
"Max gets powers."
"It ends with Will. Will’s death will be necessary to end it (whether the Mind Flayer uses him after Vecna or some other connection)."
"Hopper remembers that he absolutely wrecked his ankle with a pickaxe and begins to walk with a slight limp."
Question 11: Do you have any other thoughts not covered by the previous questions?
"They did a great job of spreading the work among the characters, and each different story was interesting. It didn't feel as much like there was a main character this season."
"The end of Season 4 Episode 1 was the scariest thing they've ever done in the entire series. Legitimately terrifying. Episode 7 was masterful - nearly perfect and one of the best episodes of TV that I've seen in years. Also, I don't know what happened with Robin, but her dialogue got, like, so dumb in the final two or three episodes. Overall, very strong season."
"I wanted more from Jason’s death. He was too annoying to die so quickly."
"It was hard to choose between Eddie and Max for MVP, and Eddie’s metal concert and Hopper’s sword fighting for best moment."
"I think it was good but that they should have ended it with Season 4. I was ready for a kick-A ending. Also, how are they possibly gonna make it scarier? Sheesh."
"They killed Eddie too soon. I saw it coming but I wish he could have stayed for the final season (or at least graduated high school ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜). Also I’m still upset that he’s the villain of Hawkins after the 'earthquake.'"
*****
Well, there you have it! What did we get right? What did we get wrong? What thoughts do you have about Season 4? How do you think they'll wrap this all up? Let us know in the comments section below, on Twitter (here and here) or hit us up on Facebook.
The sophomore season of Netflix's quirky superpowered hit, "The Umbrella Academy," launched a week and a half ago, and we've got questions - 20 of them, a little more precise! My wife Miranda and I sat down tonight and answered them all, in 140 characters or less. Although we watched the show together, we tried not to discuss our answers to these questions beforehand, to try to give the most unbiased, authentic responses possible.
Because we assume that anyone who reads this blog has either 1) already finished Season 2 or 2) doesn't care, a spoiler alert shouldn't be necessary, but we'll give you one anyway. Do not continue reading this post, unless you're prepared for some major spoilers from "The Umbrella Academy" Season 2.
1. First of all, did you like Season 2 of "The Umbrella Academy"?
Aaron: Yes, mostly. The first 7 episodes were great. The last two, particularly, got very, very confusing at some points. Too profane for parents.
Miranda: Overall, I enjoyed watching the show. Loved the music. Towards the end, there were times I was left confused or a bit lost in the story.
2. Rank the siblings, in order of how much you like them.
M: The unsung hero of S2 would be Ben. He single-handedly stopped the apocalypse by helping Vanya calm down and control her powers.
A:Herb! LOL... Also, Ben. Got me right in the feels when he died. Dang, what a heartbreaker.
15. At any point, did you think Season 2 was going a bit off the rails?
A: They wasted way too much time focusing on Harlan. His thing with Vanya never made sense to me, and it basically ended up being pointless.
M: S2 started going off the rails in the episode where Harlan and Vanya somehow became connected. I still don't understand the point of that.
16. Which parts of Season 2, if any, were the most confusing?
A: Anything involving Harlan, Five's inconsistent ability to time jump successfully and the true intentions of the Majestic 12 come to mind.
M: Last few episodes, there was just one thing after another that left me saying, huh? Harlan and Vanya, Reginald Hargreeves and Lila's powers.
17. Were there any storylines that felt totally unnecessary?
A:Carl and Sissy's abusive relationship was unnecessary to begin with, but they ABSOLUTELY didn't need to throw in the lesbian love affair.
M: The storyline between Vanya & Sissy was the most pointless for me. It didn't really progress the story, then didn't go anywhere in the end.
18. Which character would you most like to slap?
A:Five, no questions asked. That kid is a great actor, but, man, his character is such a little brat!
M: I would most like to slap Number Five. He is constantly rude to everyone and thinks he is the smartest person in the room. Plus, he is small.
19. Do you think the Sparrow Academy is going to be good or evil?
M: I think they will be good. I want to know what powers the Sparrows have, and why Reginald didn't adopt the original 7 in the new timeline.
A: Oh, they're totally evil. Nothing quite says "bad guy" like coming back from the dead and growing a mustache.
20. Name one storyline for which you demand answers in Season 3.
M: Definitely demand answers for Reginald Hargreeves. The man took off his face and became some sort of alien, killing his whole secret group.
A: Alien Dad and Robot Mom. Also, did the last Swede finally achieve nirvana after joining Destiny's Children? The people need to know!
***
If you've finished Season 2 of "The Umbrella Academy," we'd love to know what you thought. Feel free to answer any of these questions or ask us new ones in the comments section below, on Facebook, or on Twitter (here and here).
Until next time,
Just try not to bump into yourself in an alternate timeline, ok?
It has been a strange couple of decades for Star Wars fans.
There is no doubt that the original trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) changed Hollywood forever. The first three movies are generally well-liked (Metacritic gave them scores of 90, 82 and 58, respectively - people don't like Ewoks, apparently) and, without question, they stand as benchmarks in the pantheon of pop culture.
It is commonly believed that George Lucas had originally planned out a nine-movie saga, which would be released in three separate trilogies. In the early 2000s, George and Lucasfilm gave us three prequels, which each have some value, despite being widely panned and mocked by audiences (Metacritic didn't care for them, either, scoring them 51, 54 and 68).
Disney bought Lucasfilm in 2012, gradually and ultimately bumping Lucas out of the picture and taking the reins to the final trilogy of movies. And spin-off movies. And animated series. And Disney+ shows. Heaven knows how many films and series there will be when Disney is said and done? It's a great time to be a fan of the franchise - you can't throw a thermal detonator without hitting something in the Star Wars universe. But it has also been a tumultuous time for the franchise. With so much content being released, Disney's ouster of Lucas has resulted in scattered direction (literally) and uneven production. (In particular, having two different directors direct the final three movies has caused a bit of contention among fans.) Another point of interest is the difference between critical reception of these movies in comparison to fan scores.
Rotten Tomatoes: Scores, Controversy and Confusing Comparisons
The chart above, provided by the Rotten Tomatoes Facebook page, shows the nine movies in order of theatrical release. We see general praise for the original trilogy (including an 82% score for Return of the Jedi - quite a bit higher than the score given by Metacritic), a major dip for Episodes I and II, then brilliant scores for Episode VII and Episode VIII before an enormous drop for the recently released Episode IX.
The odd thing, though, is to compare the critic scores to audience scores for the same movies. I had to make the chart because an official one doesn't exist, as far as I know. Behold:
Disclaimer: I am well aware of online trolls who go out of their way to, for instance, trash DC movies on sites like Rotten Tomatoes to make them look bad next to Marvel, or sexist men who give fake reviews to movies like the aforementioned Captain Marvel. However, I believe Rotten Tomatoes has made changes to their site that results in a generally accurate audience score.
What on earth is causing the discrepancy between critics' scores and fans' scores for the three sequel movies? It's the conundrum of our time. Why are critics and fans so divided by these movies?
The Survey: Taking Matters Into My Own Hands
I decided to get to the bottom of this by asking my friends, co-workers and online associates to take a survey to tell me their thoughts after seeing Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker. Nineteen people, including myself, responded. The remainder of this blog will consist of our answers, although, for the sake of what brevity I have left, I will not be including everyone's responses for every single question. I'll just go through and pick out a few of the best and most interesting answers.
In the name of full disclosure, I believe that at least two people were not totally honest in their responses and/or just wanted to give me a hard time. I have completely disqualified one of the responses because they didn't give me a legitimate name and could thereby disregard any sense of accountability for their answers. The other suspicious respondent only gave me a first name, and I think that some of their answers were good, but they started talking a lot about "Reylo" and Finn and Poe toward the end of their survey, and I just couldn't take those responses seriously. With that in mind, I'm going to allow their multiple-choice answers but won't mention any of their survey responses.
Below are the identities of the fine ladies and gentlemen who were kind enough to take time out of their day to fill out my questionnaire. They will be referred to henceforth by the initials following their names.
Aaron Christensen (SotT)
Abbie Sugihara (AS)
Andrea Chapman (AC)
Braden Pirami (BP)
Chris Martellaro (CM)
DJ Mein (DM)
Estevan Ramirez (ER)
Jena Allison (JA)
Kenan Bushati (KB)
Kyle Eversole (KE)
Miranda Christensen (MC)
Nate Haines (NH)
Rob Larsen (RL)
Sarah Randall (SR)
Scott Aylett (SA)
Suzzanne Bailey (SB)
Tyler Johnson (TJ)
Finally, before we get into this sucker, keep in mind that nothing is off limits past this point. Full spoilers are ahead of us, and if you haven't seen Episode IX yet, I strongly encourage you to stop reading now. If you choose to continue, that's on you, man, and I can't be held responsible for you ruining the movie for yourself.
Are we ready??
Question 1: Before seeing "Rise of Skywalker," how excited were you for the movie?
56% More Excited than a Typical Star Wars movie
22% Less Excited than a Typical Star Wars movie
17% Just as Excited as for a Typical Star Wars movie
5% Not Excited
Question 2: Explain your response to the previous question.
ER: "It's the end of a nine-film saga. I was really excited to see how it ended."
SB: "I love Star Wars and am always excited to see what's happening in a galaxy far, far away."
NH: "I've become disenchanted with the Star Wars saga since the Disney sequels. It's been a slow descent into indifference."
JA: "It's the end of an incredible story. I was excited and sad."
Fun fact: Seven respondents specifically mentioned that negative experiences with recent Star Wars movies lowered their expectations for the final movie. Here are a couple of the more positive results:
Question 3: What were your expectations for "Rise of Skywalker"?
67% Cautiously Optimistic
22% Bad
11% Good
Question 4: Did the negative Rotten Tomatoes score scare you at all?
33% No
33% Unaware of Rotten Tomatoes Score Prior to Seeing the Movie
17% Yes
17% Indifferent
For the record: Reports released several days before the global release of Rise of Skywalker, including this one from Forbes.com, indicated that Rotten Tomatoes critics were ranking Episode IX lower than the nearly universally disliked Attack of the Clones.
Question 5: Now that you've seen "Rise of Skywalker," how would you rate it?
38.9% 8 out of 10
33.3% 9 out of 10
16.7% 7 out of 10
11.1% 6 out of 10
Question 6: Explain your answer to the previous question.
RL: "I thought it was fun and exciting. I felt there were some pacing issues and plot devices that weren't perfect."
TJ: "It had some fun moments. However, the plot came out of nowhere. Lots of elements were not explained well or established, such as Rey's abilities and how the Emperor came [back] to life. I did enjoy the movie, overall - just a lot of poor planning was showing through this movie."
SA: "I like how the 'mistakes' of TLJ were addressed, but wouldn't consider the film to be as good as other films in the saga."
AS: "For me, I felt like it was a good closure to the series. I was super bummed about Ben's final outcome, but I did enjoy all of the plot reveals. My only complaint is that I felt like it move[d] slowly, then dump[ed] a lot on you all at once, then slow[ed] down again."
AC: "I think there were a couple of small things lacking, but overall, it was pretty great."
JA: "It ended the saga nicely. But perhaps a little too nicely? During the final Rey/Ben scene, I was having an internal debate about a woman needing a man to save her, versus a woman sacrificing herself for everyone else. Not sure [what] I'm left feeling, [to be honest]."
NH: "It was slightly better than bad for me. There were a few scenes that worked, but for the most part it was a jumbled mess that made it clear there was never a plan from the beginning. Disappointing, but not unexpected, considering the trajectory of TFA and TLJ."
Question 7: Who were your favorite main characters? (Select two)
38% Kylo Ren
27% Poe
19% Rey
11% Finn
3% None
2% Palpatine
Characters not receiving any votes: Princess Leia, Chewbacca
Fun fact: "None" wasn't even an option, but a couple people put it anyway.
Question 8: Who were your favorite minor characters? (Select two)
Characters not receiving any votes: Rose, General Hux
Fun fact: "None" wasn't even an option, but a couple people put it anyway.
Question 9: Other than Kylo Ren, which characters most redeemed himself/herself after "The Last Jedi"?
61% Luke Skywalker
17% General Hux
11% Poe
5% Finn
6% None
Characters not receiving any votes: Rose
Fun fact: "Poe" and "None" were not options, but a couple people put them anyway.
Question 10: Did you cry at all during the movie?
39% No, but it was close
33% No
28% Yes
Question 11: What, if any, was your favorite part of the movie?
BP: "The callback at the end with the twin suns."
KE: "The lightsaber duel between Rey and Kylo Ren."
DM: "Rey's flip over Kylo."
NH: "Rey vs. Ben on Endor, followed up [immediately] with Han Solo. Hands down."
SotT: "When Kylo Ren called Han 'Dad.' Also really liked finding out that Rey was a Palpatine, not a Skywalker."
ER: "Han telling Ben, 'I know.'"
MC: "Babu Frik."
SR: "When Rey used the Force and told the stormtroopers [to feel] relieved they were there, and Poe's comment ('Does she do that to us?') It's fun, yet a valid concern."
CM: "When Rey looks to the sky and all the Jedis acknowledge her."
Question 12: What, if any, was the worst part of the movie?
TJ: "Kylo dying was terrible. He was the best part."
SR: "Kylo Ren's wet hair. Ew. He's not attractive to begin with, but wet hair made it worse."
SB: "Finding out Rey was a Palpatine. Why can't powerful Force users come from a family that isn't a Skywalker, Kenobi or Palpatine?"
SA: "'I'm the spy!' The delivery was awful."
SotT: "The part where Poe and Rey are arguing about damage done to the Millennium Falcon and BB-8 was pretty annoying."
MC: "Bird-nose lady."
AS: "Trying to force a relationship on Poe and Zorii. Also, I had a hard time with Finn always trying to step in and interfere with whatever Rey was doing."
Question 13: Were you satisfied to find out the truth about Rey's family?
67% Yes
22% No
11% Indifferent
Question 14: How did you feel about Kylo Ren's story arc in "Rise of Skywalker"?
SotT: "I wanted him to die as a villain so badly, but when he called Han 'Dad,' I almost lost it. I thought his story arc was perfect and loved what they did with him."
CM: "Kylo still killed his father out of hate or confusion, however, if it weren't for him, maybe everyone would have died."
SR: "He is very complicated. He's bad but he didn't want to kill Rey and ended up saving her. I just don't get him."
SA: "It was a quick 180. I think this comes back to poor character development."
AS: "LOVE."
KE: "I like it. I feel like he's very much exemplary of a Sith, along with Anakin - struggling internally and pushing himself constantly."
MC: "Loved it."
NH: "It's the only believable arc with emotional resonance for me. They got sooooo close with Rey, but in the end it fell short for me."
AC: "I loved it. I wish he would have appeared at the end, though... with Luke and Leia."
Question 15: How did you feel about the way Princess Leia was handled after the untimely passing of actress Carrie Fisher?
RL: "As good as it could have been. Her dialogue seemed forced, but I was forgiving due to the circumstances."
TJ: "They did a great job for what they had to do!"
AS: "I felt like it was handled tastefully, and it was handled well, given the circumstances."
DM: "Best they could do with what they had."
AC: "I thought it was done tastefully. It looked pretty real. I loved being able to ourn her character with her screen family."
NH: "They did the best with what they had. It was a little 'uncanny valley' for me, but mainly because I already knew Carrie Fisher passed. I wonder if the younger generation would even notice if no one told them."
Question 16: How do you feel about the way Emperor Palpatine was utilized in the movie?
SR: "I thought he was dead, so to see him back was confusing."
KE: "Awesome, but I really want to know how he survived the fall in the second Death Star. Sith resurrection? Cloning? Or just a macguffin?"
AC: "Let me eloquently answer this for you: Radsauce. Seriously, it was nasty but so cool."
ER: "I thought he was great. He was sinister and had a master plan. I want more of him. It felt too rushed."
RL: "I like how this explains why there are only ever two Sith at a time - the master, who is the sum of all past Sith, and the apprentice who will one day take his place."
SotT: "Really didn't want to see him come back to life, but realizing the stakes of Rey's decision about whether to kill him was pretty great. I didn't mind his role in this movie at all."
SA: "It was good, but not as good as RotJ. Honestly, it seemed like a quick way to right the ship."
BP: "Was OP (overpowered)."
DM: I mean, given Snoke was wasted, it was ok. Seems like a weird idea to let everyone know you're back and not surprise them. You would think he'd have learned what happens when his lightning hits a lightsaber near his face by now."
NH: "So dumb. Pretty much negates the original trilogy and what Anakin did after six episodes of story arc."
Question 17: What, if any, was your favorite "fan service" moment in the movie?
Lots of the respondents loved the cameos of returning characters! The most popular "cameo" mentioned as part of an answer was Harrison Ford's reprisal of Han Solo.
Other cameos mentioned include Lando, Wedge Antilles, Ewoks and the audio cameos by previous Jedi.
KB: "What does [fan service] even mean?"
RL: "The shot with all the ships from other shows."
SR: "Chewie getting a medallion."
AS: "Rey and Ben finally kissing."
SotT: "Luke catching the lightsaber and saying, 'A Jedi's weapon deserves to be treated with more respect.' Take THAT, Rian Johnson!!"
Question 18: Overall, the amount of "fan service" and "retconning" used in "Rise of Skywalker" to make up for controversial aspects of "The Last Jedi" was...
50% Acceptable
22% Awesome
17% No opinion / Indifferent
11% Annoying
Question 19: Was "Rise of Skywalker" a satisfactory end to the Skywalker Saga?
83% Yes
17% No
Question 20: Where does "Rise of Skywalker" rank among the nine "trilogy" movies?
61% Middle 3
17% Best
17% Top 3
5% Bottom 3
Fun fact: If you want to chat with some people who thought this was the worst movie of the franchise, just hop on Facebook and head straight to the Comments section of any Star Wars-related post. You'll find 'em.
Question 21: How do you feel about the future of Star Wars?
44% Keep it going, but decrease the frequency of movies and TV shows.
39% Still going strong! I want more movies and more TV shows.
17% I only want more TV shows.
Fun fact:Signs of the Times: Underground wrote a blog about every single episode of "The Mandalorian," which everybody in the whole world loves! Check those out by clicking here.
Question 22: Want to discuss anything else?
SR: "I also liked the fight scenes with Rey and Kylo Ren in two different places at once. That was pretty cool."
AC: "I really loved how the movie felt like a love letter to the fans. The idea of redemption and change was displayed so well. Han saying, 'I know,' got me all teary-eyed. I loved the battle scene and seeing everyone show up to fight. Heck yeah! I felt like the kiss between Rey and Ben was unnecessary but I didn't mind it. It seemed more like it should have been a thank-you kiss instead of passion. Also, Kylo looked less like moody, teenage Snape at the end, and that was nice!"
JA: "I'm now watching Episode VII because I need more Star Wars!"
KE: "So so so so many loose ends. Especially Jannah and Lando. WHAT."
SA: "The lesbians!"
RL: "I need to see it again!"
ER: "Chewie didn't need to get a medal. If I had a 'groan' moment, that was it."
SB: "[Aaron's] inability to like The Last Jedi."
DM: "Dominic Monaghan looked like he just left the set of 'LOST' with his Dharma jumpsuit still on."
NH: "Way random but it bugs me: the fight with Ben vs. the Knights of Ren would have been more thrilling if the K-of-R actually did something during the movie besides walk around trying to look scary.
Also, I can't stress enough that this movie makes it so obvious there never was a PLAN for the whole trilogy to work -- which just boggles my mind the more I think about it. I mean... Wouldn't you think the FIRST thing to do would be to get everyone in a room and say, 'Ok, guys, THIS is what we're going for from beginning to end. It's got to tie together and make sense.'
Honestly, as controversial as TLJ was, this movie made me wish Rian Johnson would have been the sole director/writer for all three and had a REALLY good editor to stop him from doing stupid casino side quests. [Editors note: I cannot believe I just typed some of those words in that particular sequence. **squirts hand sanitizer**] Out of all the new movies, at least TLJ took risks and built character development. I know RJ is on the naughty list for most fans, but I do think he's a talented filmmaker and writer from his other movies. (Go see Knives Out.) [Editor's note: Knives Out was really good.]
I feel like TFA doomed the trilogy from the get-go, then passed the buck back and forth between writers, and directors screwed it up beyond recovery."
SotT: "I thought it was really cool to find out that Luke trained Leia after Return of the Jedi. Believe it or not, that actually makes the 'Mary Poppins' scene from The Last Jedi a little bit better. It's not like she magically just used the Force for the first time - she was a full-fledged Jedi. It was also pretty awesome to realize that Rey and Ben were using Luke and Leia's lightsabers for the final fight against Palpatine. Also, The Last Jedi still sucks.
***
Well, there you have it! If you made it this far through the blog, ask Maz Kanata for a medal because your eyeballs just went to war! You deserve it just as much as Chewie did, which, depending on who you ask, might be a whole lot or not at all. I'm not quite sure.
As you can probably tell at this point, Rise of Skywalker was either the greatest movie of the franchise, the worst film of all time, or somewhere in between. It's all very confusing, and I'm not sure we really came to a consensus about anything whatsoever.
If you were not one of the lucky ones who got to contribute to my survey, feel free to let us know how much you loved or hated the movie, or how bland and inconsequential it was for you. I'd love to read your opinions and either chat you up about how great the movie was or formulate a five-step rebuttal about why you're wrong. Leave a comment down below, follow me on Twitter (@atownmania and @sottunderground) or find me on Facebook.
Regardless of what any of us thought, Disney knows that Star Wars is the intergalactic cash cow that just keeps on giving, and they'll milk this baby until the end of time. Whether that's a good thing is... well, I guess that's up to you to decide.
It has been TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS(!!) since "Home Alone" hit theaters. We know it, we love it, we've seen it a million times as each holiday season comes and goes. But have we ever LIVE BLOGGED ABOUT IT? In the immortal words of one Kevin McCallister, "I don't think so!" So join us, friends, neighbors, as we bring you our live, unfiltered thoughts, from start to finish, of this Christmas classic.
Note: You may also follow along on Twitter as the micro-blog rookie Miranda Johnson live-tweets the show here.
Grab a Pepsi, slam down some ice cream and call the cops, because HERE. WE. GO!
*****
I recently saw a meme that pointed out that Mr. McCallister must have been absolutely loaded to be able to afford that huge house AND a trip to Paris for most - if not all - of his extended family. That's a good point. What kind of business was he running? Was he a drug dealer? Was he in deep with the mafia or something? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The lack of respect for authority is astounding as the movie kicks off. The McCallisters have a (supposed) police officer in their house, he's yelling at them - any of them - for some attention, and everyone completely disregards him. Incredible.
As a kid, I always thought the term "voltage adapter" was really weird.
These kids are SO RUDE to each other. That's one thing that has bothered me as an adult. I never realized how much name-calling and back-talking these little brats did to each other.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. McCallister allow Buzz to have such scandalous posters up in his bedroom? The kid seems like a perv.
"South Bend Shovel Slayer" is an awesome name for a serial killer or pro wrestler.
The Little Nero pizza delivery guy is a terrible driver. Can't be the first time he's run into something. He says that the pizzas cost $122.50. Out of curiosity, I looked up how much it would cost to order 10 pizzas (nine large pepperoni and one cheese pizza for Kevin) from Pizza Hut today:
If this were my family, we'd just go grab a bunch of Little Caesar's Hot 'N' Ready pizzas for $5 a pop and call it good, but hey, this is (possible drug lord) Peter McCallister we're talking about. He's taking the family to France. He can afford 10 Little Nero's pizzas. No sweat.
The scene where it gets all windy outside and the branch falls on the power lines always creeped me out as a kid. That is the scariest Christmas wreath of all time.
The power guys hit that statue, too lol... I always thought that annoying neighbor kid that gets mis-counted in the head count was McCaulay Culkin, for some reason. The dang kid starts going through their stuff in the van and takes a picture with one of their cameras. What a nosy little rascal. "Bring me back something French!" Who does this kid think he is??
Freaking Uncle Frank, stealing the fancy First Class silverware...
Who else was traumatized as a child by that dang furnace in the McCallisters' basement? So scary. Also, Kevin McCallister was way ahead of the curve with dat bed head hairdo. Truly, a fashion icon born a decade too soon.
"Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!" First of all, that is a terrible picture of that girl. Second of all, why on earth would Buzz frame it?
Kevin is a great shot with the BB gun. Five-of-five shooting those little sports figures and the spatula. Very impressive.
Was "Angels with Filthy Souls" even a good movie? The world may never know. Of all the movies to watch, why did Kevin go with a black and white gangster film? Didn't the McCallisters have anything more... recent? "Top Gun" or "Goonies" or something? Was "Angels" a Christmas movie? Was that why he wanted to watch it? I guess the sequel that he watches in "Home Alone 2" was, right? I don't know. Things to ponder at night, I guess. "Keep the change, ya filthy animal!"
"Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!" If ever there was a slogan for my adult life, that would be it, 100 percent.
Life goals: sledding down the staircase on an actual sled. However, let's talk about the geometry here. There is no way Kevin would be able navigate that properly. If he was going down the stairs at an even slightly straight angle, he would have crashed right into the wall. Props to him for making it work, though. He's an inspiration to us all.
The Wet Bandits show up to the McCallister home for the first time and are whispering so loudly that Kevin can clearly hear them through the walls. What, are they shouting?
"This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under the bed. But I can't be a wimp - I'm the man of the house." (I say that to myself every morning before I go to work.) And then Kevin immediately goes outside, sees the South Bend Shovel Slayer and screams loudly in his face. Hilarious scene.
Side note: I have an aunt that kind of looks like Kevin's aunt with the big glasses.
You know what? RIP to John Heard, who passed away in the summer of 2017. His legendary role as Peter McCallister will live on in our hearts forevermore.
Kevin washed all his major crevices, including his belly button, which I don't think I have ever done before, but am super curious to do next time I bathe.
Buzz's life savings is like $34 lol
Life was so hard, back before you could simply Google whether a toothbrush was approved by the American Dental Association. Those poor people. Also, in my opinion, Jimmy from the drug store is one of the major villains in any Christmas movie. With one word ("SHOPLIFTER!"), he drew the ire of at least one moviegoer (me). Plus, look at that slicked-back hair. Can't stand that kid.
I love that Kevin can be running like 4 MPH and yet slide 100 feet to the other side of the ice skating rink. What a glorious slide by the young lad. I definitely burned through the knees of one pair of pants trying to pull a McCallister Slide across the Cultural Hall floor in my church one time. Would not recommend.
Harry doesn't like Marv's "calling card" of leaving the water running at the houses they burglarize. "All the great ones leave their mark," Marv argues. (In retrospect, flooding houses was not a good idea, was it, Marv?) "The Wet Bandits" is such a great name, though. 10/10 would make that my tag team name if I were a pro wrestler and, for some reason, couldn't use "The Big Ticket."
Things Marv and Harry like: stealing
Things Marv and Harry don't like: wrecklessly endangering pedestrians, churches, the dark (possibly)
Buzz, on whether he is worried for Kevin's safety: "No, for three reasons: A) I'm not that lucky, 2) we use smoke detectors, and D) we live in the most boring street in the United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period."
The Little Nero's delivery guy shows up again, hits the statue again, and informs Kevin that the price of one pizza is $11.80. Just in case anybody else was keeping track of pizza pricing.
Lip-syncing Kevin McCallister is my spirit animal.
Mama McAllister is so passive aggressive with the guy at the Scranton airport. I know that she left a kid at home, but it always bugs me when people are that outrageously rude. She offers to sell her soul to the devil! Whoa. The desperation!
Gus, the Polka King of the Midwest, has arrived! "Polka polka! Polka polka! No?" John Candy was a national treasure. RIP to him, too. Gus seems like such a nice guy, but it is painfully obvious that John Candy was not actually playing that clarinet.
Tic-Tac Santa is Porkchop from "Groundhog Day." #TheMoreYouKnow
The scene where Kevin finally meets the South Bend Shovel Slayer at the church always kind of melts my heart. First of all, good for Kevin for going to church alone. Second of all, I just feel so bad for the Shovel Slayer. Kids can be so mean when they start rumors. He's just a nice old man that loves his family and likes to shovel the sidewalks, but their false stories turned him into a monster. Christmas is a good reminder that most people are inherently good, despite their misunderstandings. Kevin and the Shovel Slayer have a nice conversation about overcoming fear - fear of the basement and fear of rejection - and the old man urges Kevin to get back home where he belongs.
As an outside observer, this would have been a great time for Kevin to be like, "You know, I am pretty sure these two guys are trying to rob my house. I know you're lonely. Would you like to come stay with me for a little bit to make sure my house is safe?" But hey, they don't pay me to write movie scripts, so what do I know?
The church bells ominously chime and Kevin gets to stepping. The time as come. "This is my house. I have to defend it!"
How long would it realistically have taken for Kevin to set the traps in his house? Certainly, this preparationwould have taken several hours, if not all day long. The odds of him getting everything planned and set within one or two hours are not high. Nine o'clock is a very late time for a little kid to be eating dinner, by the way.
BB gun shot right to the groin. If you were wearing jeans, I have a feeling this might sting for a second, but it wouldn't likely do lasting damage. A BB gun shot between the eyes from close range, on the other hand, would be pretty dangerous. You could easily lose vision if that pellet goes a millimeter in the wrong direction.
Marv trying to break into that basement door with his crowbar without realizing that the door was unlocked to begin with always makes me laugh.
Getting hit in the face with an iron from that distance would legit knock you out. After about two steps up a staircase covered in tar, I would either A) not go up those stairs or B) be looking at my feet for every step. Marv, of course does not see the nail before putting his foot right through it and letting out a LEGENDARY scream.
How does Harry not notice that the doorknob is glowing red before touching it? Wouldn't he be able to smell something burning? He burns the crap out of his hand before deciding to try the other door, where he promptly gets his head burned by a blow torch. AND HE JUST STANDS THERE AND TAKES IT! If my head was on fire for even a fraction of a second, I would get the heck out of dodge. I would not stand there and let it continue to burn me.
After an astoundingly quick recovery, Harry gets breaks into the house and is soon thereafter covered in industrial glue and feathers. Marv sees an open window and yells to Harry that he's coming in. Harry sticks his legs in the window and doesn't just gently step through like a normal person. No, he stomps his feet down, right on top of some Christmas ornaments. After that, he continues to step on the ornaments. Dude. Take bigger steps!! This, of course, leads to the classic exchange:
Harry: "Why the [heck] did you take your shoes off?"
Marv: "Why the [heck] are you dressed like a chicken?"
Marv and Harry are consecutively hit in the fact by swinging paint cans, which would lead to certain and immediate death. Somehow, there is no blood anywhere and the worst thing that happens is that Harry loses his iconic gold tooth. They miraculously get up and stumble over a knee-high tripwire. Buzz's tarantula crawls onto Harry's chest, and Marv reacts instinctually by whacking Harry in the ribs with his crowbar. These guys are absolute morons. I mean, couldn't he have just used the crowbar to scoot the spider off of his friend before taking a swing?
I always thought that Kevin comparing the crooks to a horse's rear end was a strange choice of words. I certainly don't know any 8-year-olds that talk like that. The Wet Bandits fall from 20 or 30 feet in the air and swing on a rope right into the brick side of the house.
After a quick trip over to the neighboring Murphy home, which was previously robbed and flooded by Marv and Harry, Kevin uses the worst fake adult voice imaginable to call the cops, and a timely save by the South Bend Shovel Slayer saves our puny protagonist from his would-be murderers. Foiled! Outsmarted by a kindygartner!
Kevin smiles as he watches Marv and Harry get hauled away in cop cars. We fast forward to the next morning, with the house immaculately cleaned, as if nothing happened at all. Do not tell me that Kevin did that by himself. Did the cops hire some cleaning company to come over at midnight or something? Mrs. McCallister returns home and greets her son with an apology for leaving him stranded at home. They embrace as the rest of the family is somehow just a minute behind. Kevin looks outside and sees a joyous reunion between the Shovel Slayer and his family. Precious.
Kevin is an incredible little liar; the family has no idea that their home was a nearly burglarized war zone just hours earlier. (Wouldn't the cops still be all over that street? Certainly, law enforcement would want to inform the McCallisters of the previous evening's felonious festivities.) Peaceful music plays as the family is reunited at home for the holidays. But, just when you thought we had a flawless, happy ending, it looks like Kevin and/or the cleaning company missed a couple minor details. Papa McCallister finds Harry's gold tooth on the floor, and a yell from Buzz indicates that he is furious to find that his room remains in shambles.
Cue the credits.
*****
What a show. It's definitely an all-time favorite of mine, but spending a couple hours making fun of it and looking for plot holes and logical impossibilities was a good time, too. That's all we've got for now! We hope you've enjoyed the blog and our live tweets.
