Good Costume / Bad Costume: Round II

Well, it's that time of year again. Halloween is upon us and you probably procrastinated your costume again this year, didn't you? Thankfully, I've brought back a time-honored tradition - a blast from the past, as it were - and I'm here to protect you from the shame and embarrassment of showing up at that big party tomorrow night looking like a fool. That's right, everyone - it's time for...

Luckily, I wasn't the only one who played along this time around. Quick shoutout to Suzzanne Bailey, Jordan Holmes, Ryan Goulding, James Winder, Jonathan Blackham, and the Trusty Triumvirate of Cody Christensen / Amy Morgan / Cole Morgan for their contributions. Here are the top suggestions from this year's edition:

Good costume: Eleven

Bad costume: Twelve

Good costume: Bill Nye the Science Guy

Bad costume: Bill Nye the Grammar Nazi

Good costume: Luke Skywalker

Bad costume: Luke Landwalker

Good costume: Aquaman

Bad costume: Water boy

Good costume: Gene Simmons

Bad costume: Richard Simmons

Good costume: Frozen

Bad costume: Thawed

Good costume: Gym rat

Bad costume: Gym mouse

Good costume: Unicorn

Bad costume: Unibomber

Good costume: Batman

Bad costume: Steve Bartman

Good costume: Lord of the Rings

Bad costume: Lord of the Flings

Good costume: Frodo

Bad costume: Frodon't

Good costume: Samwise

Bad costume: Samstupid

Good costume: It

Bad costume: That

Good costume: Walter White

Bad costume: Walter Off-white. Like, beige, almost.

Good costume: Bill & Ted

Bad costume: Bill Cosby and Ted Cruz

Good costume: Phantom of the Opera

Bad costume: Phantom vibrates

("I'm a cell phone that doesn't vibrate in your pocket oooOOOOoooo!")

Good costume: The Fonz

Bad costume: The Ponzi Scheme

Good costume: Sports Fan

Bad costume: BYU Fan

Good costume: Scott Pilgrim

Bad costume: Scott Conquistador

Good costume: Maui the Demigod

Bad costume: Maui the Demogorgon

Good costume: Leslie Knope

Bad costume: Leslie Yep

Good costume: Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Better costume: Ruth Vader Ginsburg

Good costume: Stone Cold Steve Austin

Bad costume: Luke Warm Steve Austin

Good costume: Britney Spears

Bad costume: Britney’s tears

Good costume: Betty White

Bad costume: White Betty

Good costume: Millenium Falcon

Bad costume: Millennial Falcon

Good costume: Doctor House

Bad costume: Doctor Apartment

Good costume: Doctor Strange

Bad costume: Doctor Normal

Good costume: Conan the Barbarian

Bad costume: Conan the Humanitarian

Good costume: Julius Caesar

Bad costume (tie): Orange Julius, Caesar Salad

Good costume: Wednesday Addams

Bad costume: Thursday Addams

Good costume: The Devil Wears Prada

Bad costume: The Devil Wears Nada

You're welcome.

Happy Halloween from everybody at The Underground!

Lists: 10 things I hate about Facebook

You know, Facebook has been really good at a lot of things for a really long time. I like Facebook. I do. In fact, depending on who you ask, I probably like Facebook too much. But, in all honesty, I've found myself posting and "liking" things on Facebook less and less these days. And, in no particular order, here's why:

1. Birthdays. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about birthdays. In fact, my favorite day on Facebook every single year is undoubtedly my birthday. It makes me happy to see kind messages from my family and friends every year. I always make sure to thank each and every one of them for their wall posts. A couple years ago, actually, I had my account temporarily suspended by Facebook for "suspicious activity." I guess if you consider posting a "thank you" message on the wall of each person that told me "happy birthday," I'm guilty as charged. So that was weird and slightly depressing. But here are my two problems with birthdays: 1) It bugs me when people don't respond or even "like" when I tell them "happy birthday," and 2) I have this internal struggle every time I see that it is someone's birthday who didn't acknowledge me on my special day. Know what I mean? Like, if they can't take five seconds to wish me a happy birthday, why should I do the same for them? Inevitably, I do and they don't even "like" it. Rude.
2. "Seen 10:49am." I hate, hate, hate this feature of Facebook. As an eligible bachelor, the "Seen" feature of Facebook Chat is the absolute worst. "Hey, so-and-so, how was your day?" ... ... ... ... Check mark. "Seen 10:49am." No response. Are you kidding me? I KNOW YOU SAW THAT! SAY SOMETHING! In my opinion, multiple unanswered instant messages is grounds for unfriending. For heck's sake, at least when I text a girl and she doesn't respond for five weeks, there's a chance that she just didn't ever get the text.
3. Pictures with the opposite gender. When I post pictures on Facebook, I often try really hard to avoid posting pictures with girls. Why, you ask? Because, at least where I come from, if you take a picture with a girl and post it online, it means you're about to propose. I've done it before. Post pictures with girls, I mean. Not... nevermind. But yeah, seriously. I post one innocent picture with, like, a girl in my ward or something, and I start getting text messages from relatives. "Who's that girl??" "Uh... a girl in my ward." "She's cute!" "Um... sure. Yeah." "So do you like her?" "We were in the same group together at FHE. They assigned the groups and I didn't really have a choice in the matter." "Well you should ask her out!" "Oh. Yeah. Maybe." Bless their hearts.
4. Old people. And I use that term loosely, of course. But this seemed the next logical step after #3. I remember when Facebook first started and you had to have a college email address to sign up for an account. I think that was the only time I ever used my @snow.edu email address. Those were simpler times. Less tweenagers and less responsible adults. Bless their hearts. (I know I'm going to offend somebody with this blog, by the way. Oh well.) The problem with old people on Facebook, related or otherwise, is that they frown upon me acting my age. I'm 27 and that's pretty dang old. I know. But, for instance, I get really worried about members of my singles ward bishopric adding me on Facebook because... what if I post a picture with a girl?? What if I "like" a YouTube clip of a TV show where somebody gets shot?? What if I link something that had a minor swear word in it? :-/
5. Grammar. On the other end of the spectrum, "I just can't" with all these young people and they way they talk with their terrible millennial jargon. Worst. Grammar. Ever. And I freakin' hate how many periods. They. Use. When. They. Type. Talking like that was cool like four years ago but now I'm over it. Obvi. They're, like, totes lazy b/c they feel the need 2 abbreviate even the simplest of words. It's cray. U feel?
6. Hashtags. I HATE hashtags on Facebook. Hashtags don't belong on Facebook. Hashtags belong in one place (ok, maybe two) and that's it: Twitter and Instagram. On Twitter, if you want to see everyone who is talking about the #NBAFinals, you simply click on the hashtag and it brings it right up. On Instagram, if you want to see everyone who posted a picture of their #salad, you click the hashtag and there you go. But on Facebook, when I see people using hashtags like #wearethebestfriendsinthewholeworld #I #love #her #so #much, that's just plain annoying. #I? Really? What is that supposed to bring up? Another thing that needs to stop is people hashtagging the names of babies. Or just names in general. #PatrickDavid might be cute if that's your boyfriend or whatever, but, first of all, nobody cares, and, secondly, now we all know his middle name. Ha!
7. Quote attribution. Here's one that has really started bothering me in the last six months or so. I'm done with all these cheesy inspirational quotes. I'm totally fine if you want to quote an apostle or a scripture or something. Or Abraham Lincoln, I suppose. But what I really hate is when people attribute a quote to "Unknown." If you don't know who said a quote, you should either look it up or don't use it in the first place. "'The winds of change blow swiftly from the south.' - Unknown." Wow. So profound. I wish I knew who said it! The other horrible Facebook error that some people occasionally commit is to attribute a quote to themselves. Why?? "'There are two ways you can live your life: the right way and the wrong way.' - Aaron Christensen." Ok, first of all, who are you? Socrates? Since when did you become some profound philosopher? Also, if you want to attribute something to yourself, don't put your name on it! Posting a status IS attributing it to yourself, is it not? "Aaron Christensen: 'There are two ways you can live your life: the right way and the wrong way.' - Aaron Christensen." Seems a little redundant to me. Maybe I'm just out of touch.
8. Lack of interest. I figure that if a cute girl can post a status that says something bland like "The grass outside is growing slowly" and have it receive 80 "likes" in 14 minutes, I should receive at least a few "likes" when I post a DVD review. Generally, the only ones who like things that I post are my parents, my brother, and a couple cousins. Maybe my grandma, too, if she's online that day. She likes a lot of my stuff. I have always wanted to post a status that says, "Like this status if you've hidden me from your news feed," but I guess that wouldn't really work, now, would it?
9. Publicly visible "likes" and comments. This might be the main offender. With the evolution of Facebook, now people can pretty much see anything you click on at any point in the day. Even if you tried secretly "liking" something at 2:00 in the morning, there's a good chance it would be recycled for the news feeds of your parents and potential suitors when they log on at 8:45. It's not that I'm trying to "like" the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or anything, but how can you Facebook-flirt with anybody by "liking" their profile picture these days? ("Who's the girl? You should ask her out!") I try not to "like" a whole lot anymore, unless it's Austin's status or a picture posted by either ESPN or Disneyland. Can't go wrong with that, right? I also try to keep my comments to a minimum for the same reason. Nothing is secret. Nothing is sacred.
10. Engagement pictures. And finally, maybe I'm just waxing bitter in my old age, especially since most of my high school classmates are either on their third child or third marriage by now... (*shakes head in disgust*) ...But is it obligatory to take that picture where the girl is leaning on the guy and awkwardly holding up her left hand to show off the ring? That's annoying. The great thing about my awkwardly posed Facebook engagement picture will be the text messages I get immediately after. "Who's the girl? She's cute. Do you like her?"

I can't be the only one feeling this way. What do you hate about Facebook? Or am I wrong entirely? Wouldn't surprise me. Leave a comment. And be sure to "like" this post on Facebook.

Good costume / Bad costume

With Halloween less than 24 hours away, there is a good chance you've procrastinated your planning and are in desperate need of a last-minute costume. Are you worried about what your colleagues and associates will think of you tomorrow? Is your little outfit a potential flop? For your benefit, some friends and I have come up with a quick cheat sheet of good ideas and bad ideas for this year's Halloween costume. Hopefully this helps.

Good costume: Robin Hood. Bad costume: Robin Thicke.
Good costume: Katniss Everdeen. Bad costume: Katniss Evergreen.
Good costume: Batman. Bad costume: A bat boy.
Good costume: Dick Tracy. Bad costume: Dick Clark.
Good costume: The Rock. Bad costume: A rock.
Good costume: Gumby. Bad costume: Gumbo.
Good costume: Richard Nixon. Bad costume: Richard Simmons.
Good costume: The Terminator. Bad costume: The Taxidermist.
Good costume: Craig T. Nelson. Bad costume: Craig Ferguson.
Good costume: Harry Potter. Bad costume: Jerry Potter.
Good costume: Al Borlen. Bad costume: Al Gore.
Good costume: Al Capone. Bad costume: Al Roker.
Good costume: Elvis Presley. Bad costume: Elvis Grbac.
Good costume: John Wayne. Bad costume: John Wayne Gacy.
Good costume: Guy with a crossbow. Bad costume: Guy with a crossword puzzle.
Good costume: Bigfoot. Bad costume: Bighand.
Good costume: Jabba the Hut. Bad costume: Jabba the Slut.
Good costume: Willy Wonka. Bad costume: Free Willy.
Good costume: Yoda. Bad costume: Yoga.
Good costume: Devil. Bad costume: Deviled egg.
Good costume: Horse front end. Bad costume: Horse back end.
Good costume: Karl Malone. Bad costume: Karl Marx.

And finally, for you last-last-last-minute costume planners, here's an easy one for you. Try this little equation on for size:

Bike helmet + Ski goggles = Big Papi



You're welcome.

Happy Halloween from everybody at The Underground!

Walking a mile in someone else's shoes

People often use a certain expression about walking a mile in someone else's shoes. If I understand correctly, the phrase is meant to imply that you shouldn't judge a person unless you personally understand what they're going through in life. I was thinking about it and I thought that I'd like to walk a mile in somebody's shoes - literally - just to say that I had done it. (Plus, once I'd done it, I'd have free reign to judge that person forever and ever, which would be awesome.) However, the more I thought about it, the less plausible that idea seemed and the more difficult the plan became. Let me elaborate:

Problem 1: Finding somebody who would allow you to borrow their shoes in the first place.

I like my shoes. If somebody came up to me and was like, "Hey, can I walk a mile in your shoes?", I'd be like, "......Heck no, you freak. Get away from me."

Problem 2: Finding somebody that is not only willing to sacrifice their shoes but that also has the same size feet as you.

...because there's no way in Hades that I'm strolling around in a pair of Size Sixes.

Problem 3: Destination.

Once you find a person with the same size feet that also doesn't need their shoes for an hour or so, where the heck do you even go?? I guess I'd, like... walk to the store or something? Maybe take a couple laps around the block? Come to think of it, I don't ever really walk anywhere! ... Scratch that. I DO walk a lot. From the couch to the refrigerator and back. But that's really just about it. Once I got those elusive shoes, where would I go?? Not a clue.

Confusion: What does walking a mile in their shoes actually even do? Do their shoes somehow transmit some type of magical power that helps you understand their issues? If you wore a business man's shoes, would you suddenly feel richer? If you borrowed the shoes of somebody that was starving to death, would you immediately feel hungry? If you walked a mile in the shoes of someone who just got dumped by their long-time significant other, would that walk take you right off a cliff or something? Like... how does literally walking a mile in their shoes really teach you ANYTHING about their life, apart from their preference in sneakers?

Conclusion: Walking a mile in someone else's shoes is not a good idea. It's not plausible, it's not practical, and, you know, it's just plain stupid.

Also, "Christmas Shoes" is the worst Christmas song ever written. Period. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

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