Lists: 10 things I hate about Facebook

You know, Facebook has been really good at a lot of things for a really long time. I like Facebook. I do. In fact, depending on who you ask, I probably like Facebook too much. But, in all honesty, I've found myself posting and "liking" things on Facebook less and less these days. And, in no particular order, here's why:

1. Birthdays. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about birthdays. In fact, my favorite day on Facebook every single year is undoubtedly my birthday. It makes me happy to see kind messages from my family and friends every year. I always make sure to thank each and every one of them for their wall posts. A couple years ago, actually, I had my account temporarily suspended by Facebook for "suspicious activity." I guess if you consider posting a "thank you" message on the wall of each person that told me "happy birthday," I'm guilty as charged. So that was weird and slightly depressing. But here are my two problems with birthdays: 1) It bugs me when people don't respond or even "like" when I tell them "happy birthday," and 2) I have this internal struggle every time I see that it is someone's birthday who didn't acknowledge me on my special day. Know what I mean? Like, if they can't take five seconds to wish me a happy birthday, why should I do the same for them? Inevitably, I do and they don't even "like" it. Rude.
2. "Seen 10:49am." I hate, hate, hate this feature of Facebook. As an eligible bachelor, the "Seen" feature of Facebook Chat is the absolute worst. "Hey, so-and-so, how was your day?" ... ... ... ... Check mark. "Seen 10:49am." No response. Are you kidding me? I KNOW YOU SAW THAT! SAY SOMETHING! In my opinion, multiple unanswered instant messages is grounds for unfriending. For heck's sake, at least when I text a girl and she doesn't respond for five weeks, there's a chance that she just didn't ever get the text.
3. Pictures with the opposite gender. When I post pictures on Facebook, I often try really hard to avoid posting pictures with girls. Why, you ask? Because, at least where I come from, if you take a picture with a girl and post it online, it means you're about to propose. I've done it before. Post pictures with girls, I mean. Not... nevermind. But yeah, seriously. I post one innocent picture with, like, a girl in my ward or something, and I start getting text messages from relatives. "Who's that girl??" "Uh... a girl in my ward." "She's cute!" "Um... sure. Yeah." "So do you like her?" "We were in the same group together at FHE. They assigned the groups and I didn't really have a choice in the matter." "Well you should ask her out!" "Oh. Yeah. Maybe." Bless their hearts.
4. Old people. And I use that term loosely, of course. But this seemed the next logical step after #3. I remember when Facebook first started and you had to have a college email address to sign up for an account. I think that was the only time I ever used my @snow.edu email address. Those were simpler times. Less tweenagers and less responsible adults. Bless their hearts. (I know I'm going to offend somebody with this blog, by the way. Oh well.) The problem with old people on Facebook, related or otherwise, is that they frown upon me acting my age. I'm 27 and that's pretty dang old. I know. But, for instance, I get really worried about members of my singles ward bishopric adding me on Facebook because... what if I post a picture with a girl?? What if I "like" a YouTube clip of a TV show where somebody gets shot?? What if I link something that had a minor swear word in it? :-/
5. Grammar. On the other end of the spectrum, "I just can't" with all these young people and they way they talk with their terrible millennial jargon. Worst. Grammar. Ever. And I freakin' hate how many periods. They. Use. When. They. Type. Talking like that was cool like four years ago but now I'm over it. Obvi. They're, like, totes lazy b/c they feel the need 2 abbreviate even the simplest of words. It's cray. U feel?
6. Hashtags. I HATE hashtags on Facebook. Hashtags don't belong on Facebook. Hashtags belong in one place (ok, maybe two) and that's it: Twitter and Instagram. On Twitter, if you want to see everyone who is talking about the #NBAFinals, you simply click on the hashtag and it brings it right up. On Instagram, if you want to see everyone who posted a picture of their #salad, you click the hashtag and there you go. But on Facebook, when I see people using hashtags like #wearethebestfriendsinthewholeworld #I #love #her #so #much, that's just plain annoying. #I? Really? What is that supposed to bring up? Another thing that needs to stop is people hashtagging the names of babies. Or just names in general. #PatrickDavid might be cute if that's your boyfriend or whatever, but, first of all, nobody cares, and, secondly, now we all know his middle name. Ha!
7. Quote attribution. Here's one that has really started bothering me in the last six months or so. I'm done with all these cheesy inspirational quotes. I'm totally fine if you want to quote an apostle or a scripture or something. Or Abraham Lincoln, I suppose. But what I really hate is when people attribute a quote to "Unknown." If you don't know who said a quote, you should either look it up or don't use it in the first place. "'The winds of change blow swiftly from the south.' - Unknown." Wow. So profound. I wish I knew who said it! The other horrible Facebook error that some people occasionally commit is to attribute a quote to themselves. Why?? "'There are two ways you can live your life: the right way and the wrong way.' - Aaron Christensen." Ok, first of all, who are you? Socrates? Since when did you become some profound philosopher? Also, if you want to attribute something to yourself, don't put your name on it! Posting a status IS attributing it to yourself, is it not? "Aaron Christensen: 'There are two ways you can live your life: the right way and the wrong way.' - Aaron Christensen." Seems a little redundant to me. Maybe I'm just out of touch.
8. Lack of interest. I figure that if a cute girl can post a status that says something bland like "The grass outside is growing slowly" and have it receive 80 "likes" in 14 minutes, I should receive at least a few "likes" when I post a DVD review. Generally, the only ones who like things that I post are my parents, my brother, and a couple cousins. Maybe my grandma, too, if she's online that day. She likes a lot of my stuff. I have always wanted to post a status that says, "Like this status if you've hidden me from your news feed," but I guess that wouldn't really work, now, would it?
9. Publicly visible "likes" and comments. This might be the main offender. With the evolution of Facebook, now people can pretty much see anything you click on at any point in the day. Even if you tried secretly "liking" something at 2:00 in the morning, there's a good chance it would be recycled for the news feeds of your parents and potential suitors when they log on at 8:45. It's not that I'm trying to "like" the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition or anything, but how can you Facebook-flirt with anybody by "liking" their profile picture these days? ("Who's the girl? You should ask her out!") I try not to "like" a whole lot anymore, unless it's Austin's status or a picture posted by either ESPN or Disneyland. Can't go wrong with that, right? I also try to keep my comments to a minimum for the same reason. Nothing is secret. Nothing is sacred.
10. Engagement pictures. And finally, maybe I'm just waxing bitter in my old age, especially since most of my high school classmates are either on their third child or third marriage by now... (*shakes head in disgust*) ...But is it obligatory to take that picture where the girl is leaning on the guy and awkwardly holding up her left hand to show off the ring? That's annoying. The great thing about my awkwardly posed Facebook engagement picture will be the text messages I get immediately after. "Who's the girl? She's cute. Do you like her?"

I can't be the only one feeling this way. What do you hate about Facebook? Or am I wrong entirely? Wouldn't surprise me. Leave a comment. And be sure to "like" this post on Facebook.