Live Blog: Home Alone

It has been TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS(!!) since "Home Alone" hit theaters. We know it, we love it, we've seen it a million times as each holiday season comes and goes. But have we ever LIVE BLOGGED ABOUT IT? In the immortal words of one Kevin McCallister, "I don't think so!" So join us, friends, neighbors, as we bring you our live, unfiltered thoughts, from start to finish, of this Christmas classic.

Note: You may also follow along on Twitter as the micro-blog rookie Miranda Johnson live-tweets the show here.

Grab a Pepsi, slam down some ice cream and call the cops, because HERE. WE. GO!

*****

I recently saw a meme that pointed out that Mr. McCallister must have been absolutely loaded to be able to afford that huge house AND a trip to Paris for most - if not all - of his extended family. That's a good point. What kind of business was he running? Was he a drug dealer? Was he in deep with the mafia or something? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

The lack of respect for authority is astounding as the movie kicks off. The McCallisters have a (supposed) police officer in their house, he's yelling at them - any of them - for some attention, and everyone completely disregards him. Incredible.

As a kid, I always thought the term "voltage adapter" was really weird.

These kids are SO RUDE to each other. That's one thing that has bothered me as an adult. I never realized how much name-calling and back-talking these little brats did to each other.

Why did Mr. and Mrs. McCallister allow Buzz to have such scandalous posters up in his bedroom? The kid seems like a perv.

"South Bend Shovel Slayer" is an awesome name for a serial killer or pro wrestler.

The Little Nero pizza delivery guy is a terrible driver. Can't be the first time he's run into something. He says that the pizzas cost $122.50. Out of curiosity, I looked up how much it would cost to order 10 pizzas (nine large pepperoni and one cheese pizza for Kevin) from Pizza Hut today:

If this were my family, we'd just go grab a bunch of Little Caesar's Hot 'N' Ready pizzas for $5 a pop and call it good, but hey, this is (possible drug lord) Peter McCallister we're talking about. He's taking the family to France. He can afford 10 Little Nero's pizzas. No sweat.

The scene where it gets all windy outside and the branch falls on the power lines always creeped me out as a kid. That is the scariest Christmas wreath of all time.

The power guys hit that statue, too lol... I always thought that annoying neighbor kid that gets mis-counted in the head count was McCaulay Culkin, for some reason. The dang kid starts going through their stuff in the van and takes a picture with one of their cameras. What a nosy little rascal. "Bring me back something French!" Who does this kid think he is??

Freaking Uncle Frank, stealing the fancy First Class silverware...

Who else was traumatized as a child by that dang furnace in the McCallisters' basement? So scary. Also, Kevin McCallister was way ahead of the curve with dat bed head hairdo. Truly, a fashion icon born a decade too soon.

"Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!" First of all, that is a terrible picture of that girl. Second of all, why on earth would Buzz frame it?

Kevin is a great shot with the BB gun. Five-of-five shooting those little sports figures and the spatula. Very impressive.

Was "Angels with Filthy Souls" even a good movie? The world may never know. Of all the movies to watch, why did Kevin go with a black and white gangster film? Didn't the McCallisters have anything more... recent? "Top Gun" or "Goonies" or something? Was "Angels" a Christmas movie? Was that why he wanted to watch it? I guess the sequel that he watches in "Home Alone 2" was, right? I don't know. Things to ponder at night, I guess. "Keep the change, ya filthy animal!"

"Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!" If ever there was a slogan for my adult life, that would be it, 100 percent.

Life goals: sledding down the staircase on an actual sled. However, let's talk about the geometry here. There is no way Kevin would be able navigate that properly. If he was going down the stairs at an even slightly straight angle, he would have crashed right into the wall. Props to him for making it work, though. He's an inspiration to us all.

The Wet Bandits show up to the McCallister home for the first time and are whispering so loudly that Kevin can clearly hear them through the walls. What, are they shouting?

"This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under the bed. But I can't be a wimp - I'm the man of the house." (I say that to myself every morning before I go to work.) And then Kevin immediately goes outside, sees the South Bend Shovel Slayer and screams loudly in his face. Hilarious scene.

Side note: I have an aunt that kind of looks like Kevin's aunt with the big glasses.

You know what? RIP to John Heard, who passed away in the summer of 2017. His legendary role as Peter McCallister will live on in our hearts forevermore.

Kevin washed all his major crevices, including his belly button, which I don't think I have ever done before, but am super curious to do next time I bathe.

Buzz's life savings is like $34 lol

Life was so hard, back before you could simply Google whether a toothbrush was approved by the American Dental Association. Those poor people. Also, in my opinion, Jimmy from the drug store is one of the major villains in any Christmas movie. With one word ("SHOPLIFTER!"), he drew the ire of at least one moviegoer (me). Plus, look at that slicked-back hair. Can't stand that kid.

I love that Kevin can be running like 4 MPH and yet slide 100 feet to the other side of the ice skating rink. What a glorious slide by the young lad. I definitely burned through the knees of one pair of pants trying to pull a McCallister Slide across the Cultural Hall floor in my church one time. Would not recommend.

Harry doesn't like Marv's "calling card" of leaving the water running at the houses they burglarize. "All the great ones leave their mark," Marv argues. (In retrospect, flooding houses was not a good idea, was it, Marv?) "The Wet Bandits" is such a great name, though. 10/10 would make that my tag team name if I were a pro wrestler and, for some reason, couldn't use "The Big Ticket."

Things Marv and Harry like: stealing

Things Marv and Harry don't like: wrecklessly endangering pedestrians, churches, the dark (possibly)

Buzz, on whether he is worried for Kevin's safety: "No, for three reasons: A) I'm not that lucky, 2) we use smoke detectors, and D) we live in the most boring street in the United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period."

The Little Nero's delivery guy shows up again, hits the statue again, and informs Kevin that the price of one pizza is $11.80. Just in case anybody else was keeping track of pizza pricing.

Lip-syncing Kevin McCallister is my spirit animal.

Mama McAllister is so passive aggressive with the guy at the Scranton airport. I know that she left a kid at home, but it always bugs me when people are that outrageously rude. She offers to sell her soul to the devil! Whoa. The desperation!

Gus, the Polka King of the Midwest, has arrived! "Polka polka! Polka polka! No?" John Candy was a national treasure. RIP to him, too. Gus seems like such a nice guy, but it is painfully obvious that John Candy was not actually playing that clarinet.

Tic-Tac Santa is Porkchop from "Groundhog Day." #TheMoreYouKnow

The scene where Kevin finally meets the South Bend Shovel Slayer at the church always kind of melts my heart. First of all, good for Kevin for going to church alone. Second of all, I just feel so bad for the Shovel Slayer. Kids can be so mean when they start rumors. He's just a nice old man that loves his family and likes to shovel the sidewalks, but their false stories turned him into a monster. Christmas is a good reminder that most people are inherently good, despite their misunderstandings. Kevin and the Shovel Slayer have a nice conversation about overcoming fear - fear of the basement and fear of rejection - and the old man urges Kevin to get back home where he belongs.

As an outside observer, this would have been a great time for Kevin to be like, "You know, I am pretty sure these two guys are trying to rob my house. I know you're lonely. Would you like to come stay with me for a little bit to make sure my house is safe?" But hey, they don't pay me to write movie scripts, so what do I know?

The church bells ominously chime and Kevin gets to stepping. The time as come. "This is my house. I have to defend it!"

How long would it realistically have taken for Kevin to set the traps in his house? Certainly, this preparationwould have taken several hours, if not all day long. The odds of him getting everything planned and set within one or two hours are not high. Nine o'clock is a very late time for a little kid to be eating dinner, by the way.

BB gun shot right to the groin. If you were wearing jeans, I have a feeling this might sting for a second, but it wouldn't likely do lasting damage. A BB gun shot between the eyes from close range, on the other hand, would be pretty dangerous. You could easily lose vision if that pellet goes a millimeter in the wrong direction.

Marv trying to break into that basement door with his crowbar without realizing that the door was unlocked to begin with always makes me laugh.

Getting hit in the face with an iron from that distance would legit knock you out. After about two steps up a staircase covered in tar, I would either A) not go up those stairs or B) be looking at my feet for every step. Marv, of course does not see the nail before putting his foot right through it and letting out a LEGENDARY scream.

How does Harry not notice that the doorknob is glowing red before touching it? Wouldn't he be able to smell something burning? He burns the crap out of his hand before deciding to try the other door, where he promptly gets his head burned by a blow torch. AND HE JUST STANDS THERE AND TAKES IT! If my head was on fire for even a fraction of a second, I would get the heck out of dodge. I would not stand there and let it continue to burn me.

After an astoundingly quick recovery, Harry gets breaks into the house and is soon thereafter covered in industrial glue and feathers. Marv sees an open window and yells to Harry that he's coming in. Harry sticks his legs in the window and doesn't just gently step through like a normal person. No, he stomps his feet down, right on top of some Christmas ornaments. After that, he continues to step on the ornaments. Dude. Take bigger steps!! This, of course, leads to the classic exchange:

Harry: "Why the [heck] did you take your shoes off?"

Marv: "Why the [heck] are you dressed like a chicken?"

Marv and Harry are consecutively hit in the fact by swinging paint cans, which would lead to certain and immediate death. Somehow, there is no blood anywhere and the worst thing that happens is that Harry loses his iconic gold tooth. They miraculously get up and stumble over a knee-high tripwire. Buzz's tarantula crawls onto Harry's chest, and Marv reacts instinctually by whacking Harry in the ribs with his crowbar. These guys are absolute morons. I mean, couldn't he have just used the crowbar to scoot the spider off of his friend before taking a swing?

I always thought that Kevin comparing the crooks to a horse's rear end was a strange choice of words. I certainly don't know any 8-year-olds that talk like that. The Wet Bandits fall from 20 or 30 feet in the air and swing on a rope right into the brick side of the house.

After a quick trip over to the neighboring Murphy home, which was previously robbed and flooded by Marv and Harry, Kevin uses the worst fake adult voice imaginable to call the cops, and a timely save by the South Bend Shovel Slayer saves our puny protagonist from his would-be murderers. Foiled! Outsmarted by a kindygartner!

Kevin smiles as he watches Marv and Harry get hauled away in cop cars. We fast forward to the next morning, with the house immaculately cleaned, as if nothing happened at all. Do not tell me that Kevin did that by himself. Did the cops hire some cleaning company to come over at midnight or something? Mrs. McCallister returns home and greets her son with an apology for leaving him stranded at home. They embrace as the rest of the family is somehow just a minute behind. Kevin looks outside and sees a joyous reunion between the Shovel Slayer and his family. Precious.

Kevin is an incredible little liar; the family has no idea that their home was a nearly burglarized war zone just hours earlier. (Wouldn't the cops still be all over that street? Certainly, law enforcement would want to inform the McCallisters of the previous evening's felonious festivities.) Peaceful music plays as the family is reunited at home for the holidays. But, just when you thought we had a flawless, happy ending, it looks like Kevin and/or the cleaning company missed a couple minor details. Papa McCallister finds Harry's gold tooth on the floor, and a yell from Buzz indicates that he is furious to find that his room remains in shambles.

Cue the credits.

*****

What a show. It's definitely an all-time favorite of mine, but spending a couple hours making fun of it and looking for plot holes and logical impossibilities was a good time, too. That's all we've got for now! We hope you've enjoyed the blog and our live tweets.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

THE END