Introduction
About two and a half months ago, we at Signs of the Times: Underground set out to publish an unprecedented blog: an interactive tournament to determine the best apocalypse survival team. We started with eight participants, who chose six random characters from pop culture or American history to pit up against unknown competition. We never revealed the names of the participants, in an effort to keep voting as unbiased as possible. We would like to reveal their names at this time, now that the voting is closed and a winner has been selected. Here are the good sports who played along with us in the first-ever Underground Fight Club:
- Team Indy: Aaron Christensen
- Team Danvers: Dan Mortensen
- Team Deadpool: Josh Eden
- Team Kaladin: Jesse Maxwell
- Team Superman: Austin Christensen
- Team Manhattan: Cody Christensen
- Team Romanoff: Suzzanne Bailey
- Team Rambo: Gayle Christensen
A huge thank you goes out to these folks for playing along and humoring us through this process.
Additionally, we want to thank those individuals who took time to vote - especially those who were thoughtful enough to explain how they came up with their decisions, telling us why and how certain teams or characters performed the way that they did.
Locations, objectives and scenarios were chosen, based on suggestions provided on Facebook, and match-ups were selected at random. Winners of each match-up were determined by the aforementioned survey results, and we did our best to write up the stories in a fictionalized way that would be fun to read, although probably not totally logical 100 percent of the time.
Unfortunately, a real-life apocalypse delayed the tournament longer than we had initially hoped, and some momentum was admittedly taken out of the sails with all the COVID-19 craziness going on, so that's too bad. But this project was too big to let fall by the wayside and, one way or another, we wanted to make sure that we saw this thing through to the end.
With no further ado, let's get it on!! Join us one last time for the final round of our Apocalypse Showdown, featuring Team Superman and Team Danvers, locked in an all-out war in an abandoned amusement park.
Finals Results
Team Superman vs Team Danvers - All-out War @ Abandoned Amusement Park
- OBJECTIVE: Eliminate the other team.
- STIPULATIONS: One team member on each team must be killed in action. The Action Star is on the brink of exhaustion for the entire battle. The Specialist exposes a flaw in the other team's plan. The Wild Card switches teams. The Idiot causes a catastrophic problem for their team.
- ADVANTAGE: Weapons proficiency
- BONUS POINTS FOR: The new Wild Card being compatible with any of their new team mates AND if anyone on the team seems like they genuinely enjoy theme parks.
It was eerily quiet as the two remaining teams marched into what would soon become the final battleground of the Apocalypse Showdown. A somber reverence came across the faces of our combatants as they remembers those who had fallen on the path to glory. In the solemn stillness, the two Wild Cards (Benedict Arnold of Team Superman and Lanfear of Team Danvers) sneaked away from their respective teams. Ill feelings and bad intentions had been festering inside of them since the minute they joined their squads, and this was the opportune time for them each to do what they do best - betray their allies. And that's how this final round began... with the two least trustworthy teammates switching sides; Lanfear joined Superman and Benedict Arnold aligned with Captain Marvel.
Elsewhere, his Specialist counterpart, Bryan Mills (who was never really fond of theme parks) hustled to the top of a tower in his team's end of the park. There were plenty of places he could use as a shooter's nest, and he had just the weapons for the job. He settled in and dusted off his trusty sniper rifle, adjusting the sights as needed, and making himself comfortable.
Meanwhile, the Evil Geniuses began developing a plan of attack while the Action Stars kept watch, floating above the grim wreckage of what once was a land of recreation and enjoyment. Putting his Force skills to good use, Emperor Palpatine started to strip decommissioned thrill rides for parts, telekinetically melding the plastic and metal into an impressive fortress. He referred to it as the Death Star 3.0, and swore in his wrath that it would be better than the two previous models. Ruin also had a bold plan. With his propensity for metal manipulation, he commenced in the creation of an animatronic army - artificially bringing the park's robotic mascots to life, with the will... to kill...
Benedict Arnold felt right at home amongst his newfound friends on Team Danvers. He was appointed the commander of Ruin's animatronic alliance, and the turncoat treasonist immediately got to work, instructing the cyborg crew on attack formations and military strategies.
Lanfear, on the other hand, struggled to find the right place on Team Superman - which isn't to say that she was completely useless, but she lived in a newfound sense of paranoia, knowing that distancing herself from Austin Powers could cause... complications. The two had recently formed an unlikely bond, over the course of the team's previous battle. Lanfear had spent a lot of time around the British super-spy, healing him him of the tremendous wounds he sustained in Round 1, and she feared that the easily aroused secret agent had developed a romantic interest in her. With that terrifying theory in mind, Lanfear attempted to pitch in when and where she could, but was constantly on the lookout for Powers' peeping and prying personality.Traversing across the wacky wasteland, Drax discovered what he believed to be an enemy bunker. He burst through the door and began tearing at his opponents' flesh, stabbing with his knives and biting into them with his jagged teeth. Aware of the ruckus, Superman swooped down to inform the green-skinned goliath that he had simply encountered a shack full of stuffed animals that were completely harmless. Dejected, but not defeated, Drax trudged back to Team Superman's HQ to rest until another threat appeared.
At long last, MacGyver's plan came to fruition. From a heap of trash and scraps, he had created a mini-gun, mounted on top of a broken-down Segway scooter, which he repaired using corn dog sticks, a rusty nail and three and a half bags of popcorn. He crafted shrapnel-like ammunition from the gravel pit located in an under-construction area of the park, and had enough bullets to fill 13 buckets that previously held carnival prizes. The only downside was that whoever mounted the Segway would essentially be on a suicide run; they'd have to do as much damage as possible while they could, but they'd have no way of simultaneously steering and defending themselves. They best they could do would be to hope for enough cover fire from their teammates to prolong the run as long as possible. The only question now was who would be willing to volunteer...
The Death Star 3.0 was nearing completion. The shrill cackle of the Emperor rained down over the amusement park like a thick fog. It was glorious - densely protected, large enough to protect the entire team at once, and with a significant laser cannon perched high and centered. Superman flew around the structure to give it a once-over. It looked good. He used his laser-vision to further strengthen and bond the metal. It looked ready to go.
Captain Marvel returned to her team after an hour of patrolling the perimeter. Ruin and Benedict informed her of their robot army and McGyver introduced his dystopian Segway of doom. The Captain asked where Austin Powers was, and no one had an answer for her. In the hustle and bustle of their battle-planning, he had somehow gone missing.On the other end of the park, Lanfear's worst fears came true: Austin Powers had tracked her down. She spotted him through a crack in the run-down wooden fence, and could hear him breathing heavily as he watched her. Suddenly, she had an idea. She could put her astonishing beauty to good use one last time. Reluctantly, she knew what she must do. She invited Mr. Powers over for a flirtatious chat. It was a hormone-filled half hour, but when it was over, Lanfear had pried out all of the information that he knew about Team Danvers' plans - particularly about the animatronic army and the modified war-scooter. She discovered the time of the attack, the direction they'd be coming, and every other detail she thought might be important. They say that loose lips sink ships, but in this case, Mr. Powers' inability to keep a secret was about to turn the tide of this final battle. With a kiss to the cheek and a swift knee to the crotch, Lanfear put Austin Powers out of commission indefinitely.
Captain Marvel finished up her reconnaissance flight and returned to her troops. The time had come for their grand attack. She charged MacGyver with loading the mini-gun full of its asphalt-like ammunition and preparing the chariot for departure. Ruin and Benedict Arnold put their robot troops into formation. Ruin would lead the army to battle, with Arnold manning the Segway. MacGyver planned on staying back at camp, ready to repair any animatronics that took excessive damage, and Miss Danvers would keep watch from above. They still didn't know where Austin Powers was, but, quite frankly, at this point, they didn't have time to wait around. After a rousing speech from Captain Marvel, Ruin and his forces rolled out, exactly on schedule.
How did Team Superman know about the attack? How could they possibly have been prepared? Without another moment's delay, Ruin lowered his hand, shrieking like a banshee, and urging his battalion to attack with all their might. Like a horde of feral wolves, the park mascots rushed forth. With a gleeful yell, Benedict Arnold unleashed a barrage of bullets from the Segway's makeshift mini-gun. Arnold made effective use of the delightfully accurate firearm, mowing down any semblance of his former team's defenses, plowing a path toward the Death Star 3.0. The soldiers clambered ahead, attempting to dodge the pot shots being taken by Bryan Mills. Occasionally, a robot would fall at the hands of the over-protective father, but nonetheless they pressed onward.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Drax the Destroyer pounced out from a dark alleyway, finally able to dig his daggers into something worthwhile. Furiously, he tore into the steel and wiring of Team Danvers' mini battalion, joyously severing limbs and separating parts. Sniper shots continued to rain down in tandem, much to the terror of Benedict Arnold, whose cybernetic cushion was crumbling.
Desperately, Arnold put the pedal to the metal, as it were, hoping to gain ground on Team Superman. When the Segway was close enough, he swung it wide to the right and cranked his sights toward the sky, focusing his fire to the top of the tower. Within a few seconds, a shot grazed the shoulder of Superman's sniper, taking Bryan Mills to the ground. With one enemy downed for the moment, Arnold rotated the Segway back to the left, hoping to find Drax before he could take down any more robots. But as soon as the revolutionary soldier saw the hulking green mass of his target, it was too late - Drax leapt from several feet away, landing right on top of the scooter. With two slashes of his swords, it was over - one swing cut the mini-gun in half and the other ended Arnold's life, with a stab to the heart.
Sensing that Team Danvers' plan was on the brink of failure, Ruin changed his tactic. He used his metal manipulation to lift all of the robots into the air, and he flung each and every one of them at Drax, burying the Guardian of the Galaxy under a heap of squirming steel.
From high above the action, Superman saw that his ally was in trouble. He also noticed that Ruin's army was all jumbled together in the same spot. He had a decision to make: was it worth potentially sacrificing Drax's life to destroy the bulk of Team Danvers' attacking force? Krypton's Favorite Son impulsively signaled to Emperor Palpatine to fire up the Death Star's laser cannon. Meticulously, the leader of the Sith moved his gun into position, aiming it right at the android army and their ghastly commander, and began to charge the laser.
With the strength of a thousand raging feminists, Carol Danvers thrust her cosmic fist through the glass windows protecting the dark lord, crushing her way through the armored walls and defensive barriers compiled by Team Superman's Evil Genius. It was swift, it was sweet, and it was certain. The Death Star 3.0 collapsed instantaneously. Up flew Captain Marvel, having grabbed Palpatine by his cloaked neck, swooping high into the atmosphere and pummeling the disfigured geriatric repeatedly in the face. With a final left cross that would have made Floyd Mayweather proud, she sent Emperor Palpatine plummeting back down to earth. Thirty seconds later, his elderly body crashed into the planet's crust, completely lifeless.
Furious at the loss of his second-in-command and the failure of another Death Star, Superman took matters into his own hands, zooming down to the mechanical mountain of Ruin's android army. One by one, he peeled them off of Drax, flinging them at Captain Marvel. She was able to dodge or shoot down most of the projectiles, but a few of the robots connected, causing her to spin out of control and frantically float back down to the battleground. Drax, having freed himself, scaled a nearby wall and jumped high into the air. He lurched with his might and threw one of his daggers at Captain Marvel, hitting her in the leg and causing additional distress to the descending diva. Bryan Mills, with his wits finally returning, propped himself up on his good shoulder and took a shot at Captain Marvel. The bullet ripped through the air, grazing her in the neck and causing her to wail in pain as she continued to fall.
Superman grounded himself behind Ruin and used his icy breath to freeze Ruin's ethereal frame, then grabbed Drax by one arm and a leg, spinning him like a cyclone and whipping him into the frozen body of Team Danvers' phantasmic prodigy, smashing the demon into a million fragments.
With a thunder-like thud, Captain Marvel crashed onto the pavement, weak and wounded from her tragic fall. Soon, she found herself surrounded by Superman, Drax and a wounded Bryan Mills. Lanfear was not far behind, a sly smirk on her face - she being an essential part of thwarting her old squad's hopes. It was all over but the crying for Team Danvers, as they say.
Back at Captain Marvel's headquarters on the other side of the park, Angus MacGyver stood all alone. He realized that, at this point, with nobody on his team having returned to the base, things were not looking good. Wisely, he decided to look for a way out. Although he had never piloted one before, MacGyver knew that his team's TARDIS was stationed behind a few damaged buildings. He pried open the door, stepped inside and honestly had no idea what to do next, but he had a stick of gum, a box of 24 toothpicks and a notebook with a few scribbled-out equations in it, and he figured he'd find a way to make things work.
Superman helped Captain Marvel to her feat and extended his hand as a sign of respect. Carol Danvers dejectedly reached out and shook it. Superman squeezed it with his superhuman strength, which made Danvers flinch slightly. She knew that this battle was over. A loud whirring noise radiated through the air. Bryan Mills recognized the sound from a TV program his family once watched. He explained that it was the sound of Doctor Who's TARDIS taking off. It must have meant that someone on Team Danvers was able to escape the battle to safety. Superman smiled, released Captain Marvel's hand, and he and his team watched her limp off into the distance.
Triumphantly, Superman, Bryan Mills, Drax and Lanfear scaled the top of the castle-themed ride in the middle of the park. Once atop the structure, they raised the flag of Krypton to the top of a crooked pole and exhaled deeply as it waved in the wind.Victory was theirs. Tey outlasted seven other teams and could, at long last, claim apocalyptic supremacy for eternities to come.
They heard the call, they were ready to roll, and they had finished the job once and for all.
RESULT: TEAM SUPERMAN DEFEATS TEAM DANVERS
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