Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT: Championship Match

This is it. The end of it all. The final step to the angelic throne of pop culture superiority. We began with 64 combatants selected from real decks of the party game "Superfight," set them up in a March Madness-style bracket, gave each fighter a unique ability or characteristic, staged each fight in a unique location with a random scenario and challenge, then had Microsoft Copilot determine a winner for every matchup, based on a silly objective for victory. We've seen dominance, we've seen shocking upsets. We've seen twists, we've seen turns. We've laughed, but not yet cried. We have actually, surprisingly, really enjoyed this. It ended up being a lot lengthier and a lot more work than we ever anticipated, but it has been a lot of fun, and we wouldn't completely rule out another mega-tournament like this at some point in the future. But time will tell, and we will take it one day at a time.

But right now, we've got incredibly important and pressing matters to take care of. First, however, if you - by some odd and completely illogical happenstance - have made it to this post and have absolutely no idea what's going on, please go back and start at the beginning, then meet us back here in however many days it takes you to read all the dang words that we've typed over the past 48:

First Round, Part 1    First Round, Part 2

Second Round    Third Round (Super 16)

Fourth and Fifth Rounds (Epic Eight and the Final Four Fighters)

Now that you're ready to go, let's get in touch with Microsoft Copilot, which we can only imagine is chomping at the bit to determine a winner for us in an unprecedented six paragraphs of beautiful storytelling. Copilot, our friend, what is up? Are you ready for this or what?? And, also, thank you so much for putting up with this crazy tournament. Our real-life friends and family would have been bored out of their minds an hour ago, so you are a true champion, and we deeply respect you.

You said it, Copilot! Let's go!!

*****

SIGNS OF THE TIMES SUPERFIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Fighter 1: Wolverine

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can control machines

Fighter 2: Mr. Rogers

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can stretch like rubber

Scenario: Area covered in gasoline

Location: DMV

Winner Determined By: One of those crazy Japanese game shows

AI Prediction: In the most unexpected of settings, the DMV, Wolverine and Mr. Rogers prepare for their final showdown. The area is covered in gasoline, adding a layer of danger and unpredictability to the match. Wolverine, with his ability to control machines, surveys the room filled with various mechanical devices and office equipment. Mr. Rogers, with his rubber-like stretching ability, remains calm and composed, ready to adapt to whatever challenges come his way. The stage is set for a battle determined by one of those crazy Japanese game shows, known for their wild and unpredictable challenges.

As the game show begins, the first challenge is a classic obstacle course. Wolverine uses his control over machines to manipulate the course, moving obstacles out of his way and creating shortcuts. His agility and strength allow him to navigate the course with ease, but Mr. Rogers' stretching ability gives him an edge in flexibility. He stretches and contorts his body to slip through tight spaces and avoid obstacles, moving with surprising speed and grace. The gasoline-covered floor adds to the difficulty, making every step a potential hazard.

The next challenge involves a series of bizarre and humorous tasks, typical of Japanese game shows. Wolverine’s strategic mind and control over machines help him complete tasks quickly and efficiently. He uses office equipment to his advantage, turning mundane items into tools for success. Mr. Rogers, however, approaches each task with creativity and a positive attitude. His ability to stretch like rubber allows him to perform feats that leave the audience in awe. The contrast between Wolverine's calculated approach and Mr. Rogers' inventive solutions makes for an entertaining and closely contested match.

As the challenges continue, the tension builds. The gasoline-covered floor becomes a significant factor, with both fighters needing to be cautious to avoid any sparks that could ignite the area. Wolverine's control over machines gives him a tactical advantage, allowing him to manipulate the environment to his favor. He uses the DMV's machinery to create barriers and distractions for Mr. Rogers. However, Mr. Rogers' stretching ability and calm demeanor help him navigate these obstacles with ease. His positive attitude and adaptability keep him in the game, matching Wolverine's every move.

In the final challenge, a high-stakes game of endurance and balance, both fighters give it their all. Wolverine's strength and control over machines allow him to maintain his balance and outlast many of the mechanical traps set by the game show. Mr. Rogers, with his rubber-like flexibility, uses his stretching ability to stay balanced and avoid pitfalls. The gasoline-covered floor adds an element of danger, but both fighters manage to avoid any catastrophic accidents. The audience is on the edge of their seats, watching as the two competitors push themselves to their limits.

Ultimately, the winner is determined by the overall performance and the ability to entertain and captivate the audience. While Wolverine’s tactical brilliance and control over machines are impressive, it's Mr. Rogers' creativity, flexibility, and positive spirit that win the day. His ability to stretch like rubber and his calm, kind demeanor make him a crowd favorite. The judges, impressed by his inventive solutions and unwavering positivity, declare Mr. Rogers the winner of the championship match. In this thrilling and unexpected finale, Mr. Rogers' unique abilities and heartwarming approach secure his victory, making him the ultimate champion of the tournament.

Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT Champion: Mr. Rogers

*****

Truly, an incredible and infinitely unexpected result! Mr. Rogers is our champion! Our AI companion is on the scene of the gasoline-soaked DMV, where Mr. Rogers is about to address the nation. He steps up to the microphone and here is what he says, according to Microsoft AI:

Mr. Rogers steps up to the podium, his warm smile radiating kindness and gratitude. The crowd falls silent, eager to hear his words. "Thank you, everyone, for this incredible journey," he begins, his voice calm and reassuring. "I want to express my deepest gratitude to all the competitors who made this tournament so special. Each of you brought something unique and wonderful to the table, and it was an honor to share this experience with you."

Turning to Wolverine, Mr. Rogers continues, "Wolverine, you are a remarkable opponent. Your strength, resilience, and strategic mind are truly inspiring. Competing against you was a challenge that pushed me to be my very best, and for that, I thank you." His words are sincere, and the respect between the two fighters is palpable.

Addressing the audience, Mr. Rogers offers some motivational words for future champions. "To those who dream of becoming the Signs of the Times Superfight champion, remember that it’s not just about winning. It’s about how you play the game, how you treat others, and how you overcome challenges with grace and creativity. Believe in yourself, stay true to your values, and never underestimate the power of kindness and imagination."

He concludes with a heartfelt message, "In every competition, and in life, it's important to remember that we are all neighbors. Let’s support each other, learn from each other, and strive to make the world a better place. Thank you all for this unforgettable experience." The crowd erupts in applause, celebrating not just a champion, but a true embodiment of compassion and inspiration.

 

What an inspirational message for us all. May we treasure those words in our hearts for the rest of our lives, and may we embody the stretchy, rubbery spirit of Mr. Rogers in our every action.

That's all from us here at Signs of the Times. Thank you for joining us on this riveting journey of unspeakable competition and limitless imagination.

If you have any kind words to say about the tournament, please consider leaving a comment on this post, looking us up on Facebook, and following us on Twitter (here and here).

Now, with our hearts truly changed, we must retire to bed. What a life-changing experience this has been.

Until next time.

Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT: The Epic Eight and the Final Four Fighters

We are just a few more rounds away from absolute greatness and eternal glory, friends. You've tuned into Round 4 and Round 5 of the first-ever (and perhaps not only - who knows?) Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT! We have been pitting some of the greatest historical figure and pop culture icons against each other in the weirdest fights conceived by man - and determined by artificial intelligence! We are down to the final eight combatants! It's getting REAL, people!

You, under no circumstances, should have made it this far without reading how on earth we got here in the first place, but in the rare event that you have, please do yourself a favor and read up on all of the action that you somehow missed:

First Round, Part 1    First Round, Part 2

Second Round    Third Round (Super 16)

Let's check in, quickly, on Microsoft Copilot, which is so graciously assisting us in this task. How's it going, Copilot?

With no more gilding the lily, as it were, let us proceed to the fourth round. Here, we're going to allow the AI to write up four paragraphs to determine the winner. We'll also be doing the fifth round in this post, in which Copilot will get an additional paragraph to decide our two finalists!

Onward!

*****

THE EPIC EIGHT

NORTHWEST BRACKET FINALS

Fighter 1: Wolverine

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can control machines

Fighter 2: Abraham Lincoln

Fighter 2 Attribute: Armed with red turtle shells

Scenario: Fighters have tiny T-Rex arms

Location: Haunted mansion

Winner Determined By: Best at evading intergalactic bounty hunters

AI Prediction: In the eerie setting of a haunted mansion, Wolverine and Abraham Lincoln face off with the peculiar handicap of having tiny T-Rex arms. Wolverine, with his ability to control machines, quickly assesses the mansion's old, creaky infrastructure. He uses his power to manipulate the various mechanical elements within the mansion, such as the ancient clocks, creaky doors, and even the ghostly apparitions that seem to be powered by hidden mechanisms. Abraham Lincoln, armed with red turtle shells, must rely on his strategic mind and the limited reach of his tiny arms to hurl the shells effectively.

As the battle progresses, the haunted mansion's spooky atmosphere adds to the tension. Wolverine's control over the mansion's machinery gives him an edge in navigating the labyrinthine corridors and avoiding the ghostly traps. He uses the mansion's hidden passages and secret doors to stay one step ahead of Lincoln. Meanwhile, Lincoln, with his historical knowledge and tactical prowess, tries to anticipate Wolverine's moves. He uses the red turtle shells to create barriers and distractions, aiming to slow down Wolverine's progress.

The real challenge, however, comes when intergalactic bounty hunters enter the scene. These relentless pursuers add a new layer of danger to the already intense battle. Wolverine's ability to control machines proves invaluable as he uses the mansion's defenses to fend off the bounty hunters. He reprograms the ghostly apparitions to attack the hunters and uses the mansion's traps to his advantage. Lincoln, despite his best efforts, finds it increasingly difficult to evade the bounty hunters with his limited arm reach and lack of technological control.

In the end, Wolverine's mastery over the mansion's machinery and his strategic use of the environment allow him to outmaneuver both Lincoln and the bounty hunters. His ability to stay hidden and manipulate the mansion's defenses ensures his survival. Lincoln, though valiant and resourceful, cannot match Wolverine's technological edge and adaptability. Thus, Wolverine emerges as the best at evading the intergalactic bounty hunters, securing his victory in this haunted and high-stakes showdown.

Winner: Wolverine

 

NORTHEAST BRACKET FINALS

Fighter 1: Mr. Rogers

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can stretch like rubber

Fighter 2: Forrest Gump

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can't turn left

Scenario: Fighters are elderly

Location: Jurassic Park

Winner Determined By: Roller Derby (Team sport: all fighters multiply by 5)

AI Prediction: In the thrilling and dangerous environment of Jurassic Park, Mr. Rogers and Forrest Gump, both elderly and wise, prepare for a roller derby match with a twist: each fighter multiplies by five, creating teams of five elderly Mr. Rogers and five elderly Forrest Gumps. Mr. Rogers, with his ability to stretch like rubber, brings a unique advantage to the game, while Forrest Gump's inability to turn left adds an interesting challenge for his team. The roller derby track winds through the park, with dinosaurs occasionally making unexpected appearances, adding to the excitement.

As the match begins, Mr. Rogers' team uses their stretching abilities to maneuver around the track with surprising agility. They can extend their limbs to block opponents and reach for the ball, creating a dynamic and unpredictable game. Forrest Gump's team, despite their limitation of not being able to turn left, relies on their sheer determination and teamwork. They develop a strategy to navigate the track by making wide right turns, using their persistence and endurance to keep up with Mr. Rogers' team.

The presence of dinosaurs adds an extra layer of danger and thrill to the game. Raptors and T-Rexes occasionally cross the track, forcing both teams to dodge and weave around these prehistoric obstacles. Mr. Rogers' team, with their rubber-like flexibility, can stretch and contort to avoid the dinosaurs, while Forrest Gump's team uses their quick thinking and adaptability to stay out of harm's way. The combination of roller derby and Jurassic Park creates a high-stakes, adrenaline-pumping atmosphere.

In the end, it's Mr. Rogers' ability to stretch like rubber that gives his team the edge. Their flexibility and creative use of their stretching powers allow them to outmaneuver Forrest Gump's team and score more points. Despite Forrest Gump's team's valiant efforts and clever strategies, they can't quite match the versatility and adaptability of Mr. Rogers' team. Thus, Mr. Rogers and his stretchy teammates emerge victorious in this unique and thrilling roller derby match set in the heart of Jurassic Park.

Winner: Mr. Rogers

 

SOUTHEAST BRACKET FINALS

Fighter 1: Darth Vader

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is elderly

Fighter 2: Chuck Norris

Fighter 2 Attribute: Armed with the One Ring

Scenario: Fighters are undead

Location: Canada

Winner Determined By: Thing you'd least want to meet in a dark alley

AI Prediction: In the serene yet eerie setting of Canada, the undead forms of Darth Vader and Chuck Norris prepare for a confrontation that will determine which of them is the thing you'd least want to meet in a dark alley. Darth Vader, now elderly but still imposing, wields his lightsaber with a slow, deliberate menace. Chuck Norris, armed with the One Ring, has an aura of invisibility and power that makes him even more formidable. The Canadian wilderness, with its vast forests and quiet towns, provides a stark contrast to the dark and dangerous nature of the fighters.

As the battle unfolds, Darth Vader's presence is chilling. His slow, mechanical breathing and the glow of his lightsaber create an atmosphere of dread. Even in his undead state, his mastery of the Force and his reputation as a Sith Lord make him a terrifying opponent. Chuck Norris, with the One Ring, can vanish from sight, striking fear into anyone who might encounter him. His martial arts skills, combined with the ring's power, make him an unpredictable and deadly adversary.

The undead nature of both fighters adds to the horror. Vader's skeletal frame and decaying armor, coupled with his dark powers, make him a nightmarish figure. Chuck Norris, with his undead resilience and the ability to appear and disappear at will, becomes a ghostly predator. The Canadian setting, with its misty forests and quiet, snow-covered streets, amplifies the sense of isolation and fear. The thought of encountering either of these undead warriors in a dark alley is enough to send shivers down anyone's spine.

In the end, it's Darth Vader's sheer presence and the fear he instills that make him the thing you'd least want to meet in a dark alley. His combination of dark powers, undead menace, and legendary status as a Sith Lord create an aura of terror that is unmatched. While Chuck Norris with the One Ring is undeniably formidable, the iconic and chilling image of Darth Vader in the shadows is what ultimately secures his victory in this spine-tingling showdown.

Winner: Darth Vader

 

SOUTHEAST BRACKET FINALS

Fighter 1: Heisenberg (Walter White)

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is super effective

Fighter 2: Genghis Khan

Fighter 2 Attribute: Shoots magic missiles

Scenario: Fighters multiply by 100

Location: Labyrinth

Winner Determined By: Worst boss

AI Prediction: In the intricate and twisting corridors of a labyrinth, the battle between Heisenberg and Genghis Khan takes on an epic scale as both fighters multiply by 100. The labyrinth, with its endless passages and hidden traps, becomes a chaotic battlefield filled with 100 super-effective Heisenbergs and 100 Genghis Khans shooting magic missiles. The sheer number of combatants creates a scene of intense strategy and relentless action, with each side trying to outmaneuver and outlast the other.

Heisenberg, known for his meticulous planning and ruthless efficiency, uses his super-effective nature to coordinate his clones with precision. Each Heisenberg works in unison, setting up traps and using the labyrinth's layout to their advantage. They create choke points and ambushes, leveraging their knowledge of chemistry and strategy to outsmart the enemy. Genghis Khan, with his formidable combat skills and the ability to shoot magic missiles, leads his clones in a relentless assault. The magic missiles create a barrage of explosive power, forcing the Heisenbergs to constantly adapt and reposition.

As the battle rages on, the labyrinth itself becomes a testament to the cunning and brutality of both leaders. Heisenberg's clones, with their cold, calculating approach, demonstrate why he is feared as a mastermind. They use every trick in the book to gain the upper hand, showing no mercy and exploiting every weakness. Genghis Khan's clones, driven by their leader's legendary ferocity, push forward with relentless aggression, their magic missiles lighting up the dark corridors of the labyrinth. The clash between Heisenberg’s strategic brilliance and Genghis Khan's raw power creates a spectacle of epic proportions.

In the end, the winner is determined by who would be the worst boss. Heisenberg's ruthless and manipulative nature, combined with his willingness to sacrifice anything and anyone to achieve his goals, makes him a truly terrifying boss. His clones' cold efficiency and lack of empathy highlight the lengths he would go to maintain control and power. Genghis Khan, while undeniably brutal and fearsome, is driven by a warrior's code and a desire for conquest. Heisenberg's calculated cruelty and manipulative tactics ultimately make him the worst boss, securing his victory in this intense and strategic showdown.

Winner: Heisenberg

*****

We have our final four fighters! What we will do now is look for a winner from the West brackets (Northwest vs Southwest) and ultimately pit them against the winner from the East brackets (Northeast vs Southeast). As stated previously, Copilot will have five paragraphs to determine these winners, then we'll move on to one final post, where we'll crown our true hero - the victor of victors.

Before we start the semi-finals, let's ask Copilot how it's hanging in there and if there's anything we can do for it before we proceed.

Copilot. What a friend. What a pal.

All right. Let's get to the semi-finals and determine our finalists!

*****

THE FINAL FOUR FIGHTERS

WEST FINALS

Fighter 1: Wolverine

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can control machines

Fighter 2: Darth Vader

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is elderly

Scenario: Fighters are literally buried in paperwork

Location: Jungle

Winner Determined By: Weaponized go-kart racing

AI Prediction: In the dense and humid jungle, Wolverine and an elderly Darth Vader find themselves literally buried in paperwork. The jungle's vibrant greenery contrasts sharply with the mountains of documents that surround them. Wolverine, with his ability to control machines, quickly starts to clear a path through the paperwork, using any nearby machinery to his advantage. Darth Vader, despite his age, uses the Force to lift and move the papers, creating a clear space for himself. The jungle's natural sounds mix with the rustling of paper, creating an unusual and chaotic atmosphere.

As they dig their way out, both fighters spot a pair of weaponized go-karts waiting for them. The go-karts are equipped with various gadgets and weapons, ready for a high-stakes race through the jungle. Wolverine, with his enhanced senses and reflexes, quickly jumps into his go-kart, using his control over machines to fine-tune its performance. Darth Vader, moving with the deliberate precision of a seasoned warrior, climbs into his go-kart, using the Force to enhance his control over the vehicle. The race begins with a roar, as both fighters speed off into the jungle.

The jungle terrain proves to be a challenging course, with narrow paths, dense foliage, and unexpected obstacles. Wolverine uses his ability to control machines to navigate the tricky terrain, adjusting his go-kart's settings on the fly to handle the rough patches. He also uses the go-kart's weapons to clear obstacles and create shortcuts. Darth Vader, despite his age, demonstrates his mastery of the Force, using it to sense and react to the jungle’s challenges. He uses the go-kart's weapons with deadly accuracy, targeting Wolverine's kart and the obstacles in his path.

As the race intensifies, the two fighters engage in a fierce battle, using their go-karts' weapons to try and gain the upper hand. Wolverine's control over machines allows him to anticipate and counter many of Vader's moves, but Vader’s experience and the Force give him an edge in strategy and precision. The jungle's natural hazards add to the excitement, with both fighters narrowly avoiding pitfalls and dangerous wildlife. The race becomes a test of skill, strategy, and endurance, with neither fighter willing to give an inch.

In the final stretch, Wolverine's ability to control machines proves to be the deciding factor. He uses his power to boost his go-kart's speed and maneuverability, allowing him to pull ahead of Vader. Despite Vader's best efforts and his formidable use of the Force, he cannot match Wolverine's technological edge. Wolverine crosses the finish line first, securing his victory in this intense and thrilling weaponized go-kart race. The jungle, now littered with paperwork and the remnants of their battle, stands as a testament to their epic showdown.

Winner: Wolverine

EAST FINALS

Fighter 1: Mr. Rogers

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can stretch like rubber

Fighter 2: Heisenberg

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is super effective

Scenario: Fighters are wearing high heels

Location: An infinite water slide

Winner Determined By: Most legendary pro wrestler

AI Prediction: In the surreal setting of an infinite water slide, Mr. Rogers and Heisenberg (Walter White) prepare for a battle to determine who would be the most legendary pro wrestler. Both fighters, wearing high heels, face the challenge of maintaining their balance on the slippery surface. Mr. Rogers, with his ability to stretch like rubber, has an advantage in flexibility and maneuverability. Heisenberg, being super effective, brings a level of precision and ruthlessness to the fight that makes him a formidable opponent. The water slide's endless twists and turns create a dynamic and unpredictable battleground, adding to the excitement.

As they slide down the infinite water slide, Mr. Rogers uses his rubber-like stretching ability to navigate the course with ease. He can extend his limbs to grip the sides of the slide, allowing him to perform acrobatic moves and avoid obstacles. His calm and composed demeanor contrasts sharply with the chaotic environment, making him a surprisingly agile and graceful competitor. Heisenberg, on the other hand, uses his super effective nature to analyze the slide's layout and optimize his movements. He maintains a low center of gravity, using his heels to dig into the slide and control his speed, showcasing his strategic brilliance.

The high heels add an element of comedy and challenge to the battle, with both fighters occasionally slipping and sliding in unexpected ways. Mr. Rogers' ability to stretch helps him recover quickly from any missteps, while Heisenberg's strategic mind allows him to anticipate and counter Mr. Rogers' moves. The infinite water slide becomes a stage for their wrestling prowess, with each fighter using the environment to their advantage. Mr. Rogers' rubbery flexibility allows him to perform impressive wrestling holds and escapes, while Heisenberg's effectiveness ensures that every move he makes is calculated and impactful.

As the battle intensifies, the two fighters engage in a series of spectacular wrestling maneuvers. Mr. Rogers uses his stretching ability to wrap around Heisenberg, creating a unique and inescapable hold. Heisenberg, with his super effective nature, counters with precise strikes and strategic positioning, trying to break free. The water slide's endless descent adds to the drama, with both fighters constantly adapting to the changing environment. The crowd, watching from various points along the slide, is captivated by the display of skill and creativity.

In the end, the title of the most legendary pro wrestler goes to Mr. Rogers. His ability to stretch like rubber gives him a unique edge in the wrestling world, allowing him to perform moves that no other wrestler could. His calm and kind demeanor, combined with his surprising agility and flexibility, make him a crowd favorite. Heisenberg, despite his super effective nature and strategic brilliance, cannot match the sheer spectacle and creativity of Mr. Rogers' wrestling style. The infinite water slide, now a testament to their epic battle, witnesses the rise of Mr. Rogers as the most legendary pro wrestler in this whimsical and thrilling showdown.

Winner: Mr. Rogers

 

*****

What a thrilling and unexpected pair of battles. We would not have predicted these finalists in a million years, but it will all come down to this! Wolverine versus Mr. Rogers in an incredible duel for all of the marbles.

Let's speak with Copilot to see how it's doing and what it expects from our grand finale!

Who, indeed! Well, all right. We've come this far... and there is only one fight left. Give us your hot takes in the comments below. Did we do Forrest Gump dirty by not letting him keep Master Chief's Force ability for the rest of the tournament? Did you truly believe that Mr. Rogers would take down Heisenberg? Let us know! You can also find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter (here and here) for more non-stop action.

We've got a championship match to attend! Click on over and find out who wins in the Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT Championship Match!

Until next time.

Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT: The Super 16

Here we are with the Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT's Super 16! That's right, we're down to just 16 competitors remaining in our mega-battle of pop culture legends. What a round we just had, narrowing down the field of 32. Our AI friend, Microsoft Copilot is having a wonderful time, too. Don't believe us? Just ask!

If you've missed out on any of the action, take a few minutes to catch back up by reading the other posts before proceeding:

First Round, Part 1    First Round, Part 2

Second Round

In this next round, we will have eight battles, with two of our remaining fighters facing off in some of the most interesting altercations you could ever imagine. We're going to let the AI describe the fights in three paragraphs this time around, which should hopefully provide for more details about the locations, scenarios and events leading up to the eventual winners.

After this round, we'll be narrowed down to eight fighters, then to four, then two, and then we'll have our ultimate SUPERFIGHT champion of the universe. We know we can't wait, and we assume you can't, either, so let's get to it!

Here we go!

*****

NORTHWEST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: Canada

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can create a lightning field that shocks anyone within 10 feet

Fighter 2: Wolverine

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can control machines

Scenario: Area filled with laughing gas

Location: Giant trampoline

Winner Determined By: Musical chairs

AI Prediction: In the surreal setting of a giant trampoline filled with laughing gas, the battle between Canada and Wolverine begins with an electrifying twist. Canada, embodying the spirit of the nation, activates their lightning field, creating a crackling aura that shocks anyone within 10 feet. The trampoline's bouncy surface amplifies the unpredictability of the fight, as both fighters struggle to maintain their balance while laughing uncontrollably due to the gas. Wolverine, with his ability to control machines, quickly realizes that the trampoline itself can be manipulated. He uses his power to alter the trampoline's tension, causing Canada to bounce erratically.

As the fight progresses, the laughing gas starts to take its toll, making it increasingly difficult for both fighters to focus. Canada's lightning field continues to pose a significant threat, but Wolverine's healing factor allows him to withstand the shocks better than most. He cleverly uses the trampoline's springs and mechanisms to create barriers and distractions, trying to outmaneuver Canada. The laughter-induced chaos adds a layer of unpredictability, with both fighters occasionally collapsing into fits of giggles, only to spring back into action moments later.

When the musical chairs portion of the battle begins, the trampoline's surface becomes even more chaotic. Chairs appear and disappear at random intervals, adding to the confusion. Wolverine's agility and quick reflexes give him an edge as he leaps from chair to chair, avoiding Canada's lightning field. In a final burst of speed and strategy, Wolverine manages to secure the last chair just as the music stops, narrowly winning the round. Despite the shocking challenges, Wolverine's control over the environment and his resilience ultimately lead him to victory in this whimsical and electrifying showdown.

Winner: Wolverine

 

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Abraham Lincoln

Fighter 1 Attribute: Armed with red turtle shells

Fighter 2: Willy Wonka

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is riding a hoverboard

Scenario: Fighters are six inches tall

Location: An alternate dimension where winning is losing

Winner Determined By: Battle of the Bands

AI Prediction: In this bizarre alternate dimension where winning is losing, Abraham Lincoln and Willy Wonka face off in a truly unique battle. Both fighters, now only six inches tall, find themselves in a world where the rules of reality are twisted. Lincoln, armed with red turtle shells, uses his strategic mind to hurl these projectiles with precision, aiming to knock Wonka off his hoverboard. Wonka, ever the eccentric inventor, zips around on his hoverboard, dodging the shells with surprising agility. The environment itself seems to shift and change, adding to the surreal nature of their confrontation.

As the battle progresses, the focus shifts to the Battle of the Bands. Lincoln, with his deep, resonant voice, takes the stage first. He delivers a powerful performance, channeling the spirit of unity and freedom through his music. The crowd, a mix of strange creatures from this alternate dimension, is moved by his heartfelt lyrics and commanding presence. Wonka, however, is not to be outdone. He steps up with a whimsical and enchanting performance, using his hoverboard to perform dazzling aerial stunts while playing a variety of unusual instruments. His show is a feast for the senses, filled with vibrant colors and imaginative sounds.

In the end, the paradoxical nature of the dimension comes into play. Despite Lincoln's powerful performance and Wonka's captivating showmanship, the true winner is the one who loses. Lincoln, with his humble and selfless nature, graciously accepts defeat, understanding the deeper meaning of the dimension’s rules. Wonka, always one to embrace the unexpected, celebrates his "loss" with a grand finale of fireworks and candy showers. In this topsy-turvy world, it's Lincoln's willingness to lose that ultimately makes him the victor in spirit, while Wonka's joyful acceptance of the outcome ensures both fighters leave the stage as winners in their own right.

Winner: Abraham Lincoln

 

NORTHEAST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: Mr. Rogers

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can stretch like rubber

Fighter 2: Iron Man

Fighter 2 Attribute: Thinks the floor is lava

Scenario: All attributes disabled

Location: Infinite Ice rink

Winner Determined By: Most interesting thing to see in a zoo

AI Prediction: In the serene yet slippery setting of an infinite ice rink, Mr. Rogers and Iron Man face off in a battle where their usual attributes are disabled. The rink stretches endlessly in all directions, creating a surreal and tranquil environment. Both fighters, known for their distinct personalities and strengths, must now rely on their creativity and charm to win the contest. Mr. Rogers, with his gentle demeanor and profound wisdom, skates gracefully, embodying the calm and kindness he is known for. Iron Man, without his suit's advanced technology, must rely on his wit and charisma.

The challenge of determining the most interesting thing to see in a zoo brings out the best in both competitors. Mr. Rogers, ever the educator and storyteller, begins to describe a magical exhibit featuring a harmonious community of animals living together in peace. He paints a vivid picture of a place where lions and lambs coexist, where children can learn about empathy and the beauty of nature. His vision is one of unity and wonder, capturing the essence of what makes a zoo a place of learning and joy.

Iron Man, on the other hand, takes a more futuristic approach. He envisions a high-tech zoo where visitors can interact with holographic animals from different eras, including dinosaurs and mythical creatures. His zoo is a blend of cutting-edge technology and educational experiences, offering a glimpse into the past and the future. The exhibits are designed to be immersive and interactive, making learning an adventure. In the end, the judges are captivated by both presentations, but it's Mr. Rogers' heartfelt and imaginative vision that resonates the most. His ability to inspire and connect with people on a deeper level makes his zoo the most interesting, securing his victory in this unique and heartwarming battle.

Winner: Mr. Rogers

 

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Forrest Gump

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can't turn left

Fighter 2: Master Chief

Fighter 2 Attribute: Uses the Force

Scenario: Players swap attributes

Location: Zoo

Winner Determined By: Mud wrestling

AI Prediction: In the lively setting of a zoo, Forrest Gump and Master Chief prepare for a mud wrestling match with a twist: they've swapped attributes. Forrest, now wielding the Force, finds himself with newfound abilities that he approaches with his characteristic simplicity and determination. Master Chief, on the other hand, must navigate the challenge of not being able to turn left, a significant handicap for a seasoned warrior used to full mobility. The zoo's vibrant atmosphere, filled with the sounds of animals and curious onlookers, adds an extra layer of excitement to the showdown.

As the match begins, Forrest uses the Force to his advantage, attempting to control the environment and create obstacles for Master Chief. He lifts mud and zoo debris with ease, trying to unbalance his opponent. Master Chief, despite his inability to turn left, relies on his combat training and strategic mind to counter Forrest's moves. He uses the zoo's layout to his advantage, maneuvering around enclosures and using the terrain to keep Forrest on his toes. The mud wrestling pit becomes a battleground of wits and agility, with both fighters slipping and sliding in the thick muck.

In the end, it's Forrest’s unexpected mastery of the Force that gives him the upper hand. He manages to use his new powers to create a mud wave that sweeps Master Chief off his feet, pinning him down just long enough to secure the win. Despite the unusual circumstances and the swapped attributes, Forrest's adaptability and simple yet effective use of the Force lead him to victory. The crowd, entertained by the spectacle, cheers for both fighters, appreciating the unique and spirited contest they witnessed.

Winner: Forrest Gump

 

SOUTHEAST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: Darth Vader

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is elderly

Fighter 2: Star-Lord

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is riding a war elephant

Scenario: Fighters chained together with a 30-foot chain

Location: On a gigantic magnet

Winner Determined By: Most notorious outlaw

AI Prediction: On a gigantic magnet, the clash between an elderly Darth Vader and Star-Lord riding a war elephant begins with a dramatic tension. The 30-foot chain connecting them adds a layer of complexity, forcing them to stay within a certain range of each other. Darth Vader, despite his age, still exudes a menacing presence, his lightsaber igniting with a familiar hum. Star-Lord, atop his massive war elephant, uses the beast's strength and size to his advantage, trying to keep a safe distance from Vader's deadly weapon. The magnet's pull affects both fighters, making their movements more deliberate and challenging.

As the battle unfolds, Vader's experience and mastery of the Force come into play. He uses the chain to his advantage, pulling Star-Lord closer and attempting to disarm him. The war elephant, though powerful, struggles against the magnetic forces, making it difficult for Star-Lord to maintain control. Star-Lord, with his quick thinking and resourcefulness, tries to use his gadgets and the elephant's sheer power to counter Vader's attacks. The magnet's influence creates a unique battlefield, with metal objects and debris occasionally flying towards the fighters, adding to the chaos.

Ultimately, the winner is determined by who is the most notorious outlaw. Darth Vader, with his long history as a Sith Lord and enforcer of the Empire, has a reputation that spans galaxies. His name alone strikes fear into the hearts of many, making him one of the most infamous figures in the galaxy. Star-Lord, while a renowned outlaw and hero in his own right, doesn't quite match the level of notoriety that Vader commands. Despite the thrilling and intense battle, it's Vader's dark legacy and fearsome reputation that secure his victory as the most notorious outlaw in this unique and challenging showdown.

Winner: Darth Vader

 

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Chuck Norris

Fighter 1 Attribute: Armed with the One Ring

Fighter 2: Barney

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is wearing a red shirt

Scenario: Literally raining cats and dogs

Location: The White House

Winner Determined By: Archery

AI Prediction: In the iconic setting of the White House, amidst a surreal downpour of cats and dogs, Chuck Norris and Barney prepare for an archery contest. Chuck Norris, armed with the One Ring, exudes an aura of invincibility and stealth. The ring grants him the power of invisibility, which he uses strategically to navigate the chaotic environment. Barney, the friendly purple dinosaur, stands out in his bright red shirt, a stark contrast to the seriousness of the competition. Despite the whimsical rain, both fighters are focused on the task at hand.

As the archery contest begins, Chuck Norris uses the One Ring to disappear from sight, making it nearly impossible for Barney to track his movements. He moves silently and swiftly, positioning himself for the perfect shot. The rain of cats and dogs adds an unpredictable element, with animals occasionally obstructing their view and path. Barney, ever the optimist, tries to maintain his cheerful demeanor, but the challenge of hitting targets while being pelted by pets proves difficult. He struggles to keep his aim steady, his bright red shirt making him an easy target.

In the end, Chuck Norris's mastery of the One Ring and his unparalleled archery skills give him the upper hand. He takes precise shots, hitting each target with ease despite the chaotic conditions. Barney, though valiant in his efforts, cannot match Chuck's accuracy and stealth. The combination of the One Ring's power and Chuck Norris's legendary prowess ensures his victory in this unusual and entertaining archery contest. The White House, now a scene of both triumph and whimsy, witnesses yet another testament to Chuck Norris's unbeatable skills.

Winner: Chuck Norris

 

SOUTHEAST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: The Incredible Hulk

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is riding a Pegasus

Fighter 2: Heisenberg (Walter White)

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is super effective

Scenario: Five minutes until area is napalmed

Location: Space station

Winner Determined By: Basketball (Team sport: all fighters multiply by 5)

AI Prediction: In the high-stakes environment of a space station, with only five minutes until the area is napalmed, The Incredible Hulk and Heisenberg prepare for an intense basketball game. Both fighters multiply by five, creating teams of five Hulks riding Pegasi and five super-effective Heisenbergs. The zero-gravity conditions of the space station add a unique twist to the game, making every move and shot more challenging and unpredictable.

The Hulk team, with their immense strength and the added mobility of their Pegasi, dominate the court with powerful dunks and swift aerial maneuvers. The Pegasi allow them to cover the court quickly, making it difficult for the Heisenberg team to keep up. However, Heisenberg's strategic mind and super-effective nature come into play. Heisenberg's team uses their intelligence and cunning to outmaneuver the Hulks, setting up precise plays and taking advantage of the zero-gravity to make unexpected shots.

As the clock ticks down, the game becomes a thrilling back-and-forth battle. The Hulks' raw power is matched by Heisenberg's tactical brilliance. In the final moments, it comes down to a last-second shot. One of the Heisenbergs, using a perfectly timed pass and a clever feint, manages to score the winning basket just as the countdown reaches zero. Despite the Hulks' incredible strength and the advantage of their Pegasi, it's Heisenberg's super-effective strategy and teamwork that secure the victory in this high-pressure, out-of-this-world basketball showdown.

Winner: Heisenberg

 

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Genghis Khan

Fighter 1 Attribute: Shoots magic missiles

Fighter 2: He-Man

Fighter 2 Attribute: Has majestic flaming antlers growing out of head

Scenario: Fighters can fly

Location: Prison

Winner Determined By: Survive the longest in the jungle

AI Prediction: In the confined and eerie setting of a prison, Genghis Khan and He-Man prepare for a battle where they can both fly. Genghis Khan, known for his strategic brilliance and ruthless efficiency, now has the added ability to shoot magic missiles. He-Man, the powerful warrior of Eternia, sports majestic flaming antlers that not only add to his imposing presence but also serve as a formidable weapon. The ability to fly transforms the prison into a three-dimensional battlefield, with both fighters taking to the air to gain the upper hand.

As they clash, Genghis Khan uses his magic missiles to keep He-Man at bay, launching precise and powerful attacks from a distance. He-Man, with his flaming antlers, charges through the air, using his antlers to deflect the missiles and close the gap between them. The prison's narrow corridors and high walls become a maze of aerial combat, with both fighters weaving through the space, trying to outmaneuver each other. The flames from He-Man's antlers light up the dark corners of the prison, creating an intense and dramatic atmosphere.

When the battle shifts to the jungle, the challenge becomes one of survival. Genghis Khan's tactical mind and experience in leading his armies through harsh terrains give him an edge in navigating the dense foliage and finding resources. He-Man, with his raw strength and connection to nature, adapts quickly to the jungle environment, using his antlers to fend off predators and gather food. Over time, it becomes clear that Genghis Khan's strategic planning and ability to shoot magic missiles give him a slight advantage in the long-term survival game. His ability to secure safe locations and defend them with his missiles ensures he survives the longest in the jungle, ultimately winning this unique and challenging contest.

Winner: Genghis Khan

*****

Straight. Up. Bangers. Man, those fights were good. We're actually starting to regret that stuff we said back in the first SUPERFIGHT post about this being the dumbest idea of all time because we're actually getting pretty invested in these matchups now. We got a couple of shocking upsets this round! Master Chief takes the L! Cannot believe it! Did not see that coming! He-Man finally met his demise! Just when those antlers were starting to grow on us. Figuratively.

All right, drop those predictions for the next round in the comments below! For more craziness, find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter (here and here). We'd like to stay and chat, but that blog post about the next round isn't going to write itself.

Until next time.

Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT: Second Round

Welcome to the second round of the Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT! We just ran through 32 battles of 64 competitors in the zaniest competitions known to man. If you missed out on any of the action, use the links below to catch up!

First Round, Part 1    First Round, Part 2

In this second round, we will allow AI to describe the battle and pick a winner in two paragraphs instead of just one, so that might lead to a few more shenanigans this time around. But before we get going, we wanted to do the gentlemanly thing and check in on our AI friend, Microsoft Copilot, so here's a quick status check:

Let's not waste any more time! Here we go!

*****

NORTHWEST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: Hermione Granger

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is really, really stupid

Fighter 2: Canada

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can create a lightning field that shocks anyone within 10 feet

Scenario: Hurricane

Location: Aircraft carrier flight deck

Winner Determined By: Beauty pageant

AI Prediction: In the midst of a hurricane on an aircraft carrier flight deck, the beauty pageant takes an unexpected turn. Hermione Granger, despite her usual brilliance, is inexplicably really, really stupid in this scenario. Her usual poise and intelligence are nowhere to be found, leaving her flustered and unable to answer even the simplest of questions. Her attempts to showcase her talents are equally disastrous, as she fumbles through spells and stumbles on stage. The judges, expecting the usual grace and wit from Hermione, are left bewildered and unimpressed.

On the other hand, Canada, personified as a charming and polite entity, dazzles the judges with its unique ability to create a lightning field. This electrifying display, combined with Canada's natural beauty and serene demeanor, captivates the audience. Despite the chaotic hurricane, Canada remains composed and uses the lightning field to create a mesmerizing light show. The judges are thoroughly impressed by Canada's ability to maintain elegance and grace under pressure. In the end, Canada's combination of stunning visuals and calm presence wins the beauty pageant, securing the victory.

Winner: Canada

 

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Wolverine

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can control machines

Fighter 2: Neo ("The Matrix")

Fighter 2 Attribute: Has a towel

Scenario: Fighters cannot get within 50 yards of each other

Location: LA traffic

Winner Determined By: Good ol’ fashioned pistol duel

AI Prediction: In the chaotic environment of LA traffic, Wolverine and Neo prepare for a good ol' fashioned pistol duel, but with a twist—they can’t get within 50 yards of each other. Wolverine, with his newfound ability to control machines, quickly takes advantage of the numerous vehicles around. He manipulates the cars, trucks, and even traffic lights to create barriers and distractions, making it difficult for Neo to get a clear shot. Wolverine's strategic use of the machines not only provides him with cover but also allows him to control the battlefield, turning the traffic into a maze that Neo must navigate.

Neo, armed with just a towel, relies on his agility and quick thinking. He uses the towel in creative ways, such as deflecting bullets and creating makeshift shields. However, the sheer volume of machines under Wolverine's control proves overwhelming. Despite Neo's best efforts to dodge and weave through the traffic, Wolverine's ability to manipulate the environment gives him a significant edge. In the end, Wolverine's tactical advantage and control over the machines allow him to outmaneuver Neo and win the duel.

Winner: Wolverine

FIGHT 3

Fighter 1: The Kardashians

Fighter 1 Attribute: Are noobs

Fighter 2: Abraham Lincoln

Fighter 2 Attribute: Armed with red turtle shells

Scenario: Fighters are armed with lightsabers

Location: On a conveyor belt leading to spinning blades

Winner Determined By: Game of Twister

AI Prediction: In a surreal showdown on a conveyor belt leading to spinning blades, the Kardashians and Abraham Lincoln face off in a game of Twister, each armed with lightsabers. The Kardashians, being noobs, struggle to maintain their balance and coordination on the moving conveyor belt. Their inexperience shows as they fumble with the lightsabers, trying to avoid the spinning blades while keeping up with the Twister game. The chaotic environment only adds to their confusion, making it difficult for them to focus on the colored dots and maintain their positions.

Abraham Lincoln, on the other hand, remains calm and composed, using his red turtle shells to strategically knock the Kardashians off balance. His tall stature and long limbs give him an advantage in reaching the different Twister spots, and his historical reputation for perseverance shines through. Despite the bizarre scenario, Lincoln's steady demeanor and tactical use of the turtle shells help him dominate the game. In the end, his ability to stay focused and adapt to the unusual circumstances secures his victory in this unconventional Twister match.

Winner: Abraham Lincoln

FIGHT 4

Fighter 1: Katniss Everdeen

Fighter 1 Attribute: Has horrible self-esteem

Fighter 2: Willy Wonka

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is riding a hoverboard

Scenario: Zombie swarm

Location: On a moving bullet train

Winner Determined By: Thumb wrestling

AI Prediction: In the midst of a zombie swarm on a moving bullet train, Katniss Everdeen and Willy Wonka prepare for an unusual thumb wrestling match. Katniss, despite her incredible survival skills and archery prowess, is plagued by horrible self-esteem. This inner turmoil makes her hesitant and unsure of her abilities, even in a simple thumb wrestling match. The constant movement of the train and the threat of zombies only add to her anxiety, making it difficult for her to focus and muster the confidence needed to win.

Willy Wonka, riding a hoverboard, brings his whimsical and unpredictable nature to the match. His ability to stay balanced on the hoverboard while navigating the chaos of the train gives him an edge. Wonka's playful demeanor and quick reflexes allow him to adapt to the fast-paced environment, and he uses his hoverboard to dodge zombies and maintain his position. Despite the bizarre circumstances, Wonka's confidence and agility shine through. In the end, his ability to stay calm and playful under pressure helps him outmaneuver Katniss in the thumb wrestling match, securing his victory.

Winner: Willy Wonka

NORTHEAST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: Mr. Rogers

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can stretch like rubber

Fighter 2: King Kong

Fighter 2 Attribute: Slows time when eyes are closed

Scenario: Fighters are 100 stories tall

Location: In a mine

Winner Determined By: Cheerleading competition

AI Prediction: In the depths of a mine, Mr. Rogers and King Kong, both towering at 100 stories tall, prepare for an unexpected cheerleading competition. Mr. Rogers, with his ability to stretch like rubber, brings a unique flair to his routines. His flexibility allows him to perform incredible stunts and formations, creating visually stunning displays that captivate the judges. His calm and kind demeanor shines through, making his cheerleading routines not only impressive but also heartwarming. The judges are charmed by his positive energy and the creative use of his stretching ability.

King Kong, on the other hand, uses his ability to slow time when his eyes are closed to his advantage. This power allows him to execute complex cheerleading moves with precision and grace, as he can take his time to perfect each motion. Despite his massive size, King Kong's routines are surprisingly elegant and well-coordinated. The judges are amazed by his ability to combine strength and finesse, creating a powerful yet graceful performance. However, the sheer creativity and heartwarming nature of Mr. Rogers' routines give him the edge. In the end, Mr. Rogers' unique approach and positive spirit win over the judges, securing his victory in the cheerleading competition.

Winner: Mr. Rogers

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: The Terminator

Fighter 1 Attribute: Dying of dysentery

Fighter 2: Iron Man

Fighter 2 Attribute: Thinks the floor is actually lava

Scenario: Area is full of starving lions

Location: On a tightrope

Winner Determined By: Football (Team sport: all fighters multiply by 11)

AI Prediction: In a surreal football match on a tightrope above a pit of starving lions, The Terminator and Iron Man each multiply by 11 to form their respective teams. The Terminator, despite dying of dysentery, brings his relentless determination and mechanical precision to the game. His team of Terminators, all sharing his attributes, work like a well-oiled machine, executing plays with military precision. However, the dysentery takes its toll, slowing them down and causing occasional malfunctions, which the opposing team can exploit.

Iron Man, on the other hand, has to contend with his belief that the floor is lava. This makes his team of Iron Men incredibly cautious and agile, constantly hovering above the tightrope to avoid the "lava." Their advanced suits and flight capabilities give them an edge in mobility and aerial maneuvers. Despite the bizarre scenario, Iron Man's team manages to stay focused and use their technological advantages to outmaneuver the Terminators. The combination of agility, flight, and strategic thinking allows Iron Man's team to score more goals and ultimately win the football match, securing their victory in this unusual competition.

Winner: Iron Man

FIGHT 3

Fighter 1: Saber-toothed Tiger

Fighter 1 Attribute: Armed with Cupid’s bow

Fighter 2: Forrest Gump

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can’t turn left

Scenario: Porcupine infestation

Location: The Wild West

Winner Determined By: Alpine skiing

AI Prediction: In the Wild West, amidst a porcupine infestation, the saber-toothed tiger and Forrest Gump prepare for an alpine skiing competition. The saber-toothed tiger, armed with Cupid's bow, brings a unique twist to the race. While the tiger's natural agility and strength make it a formidable competitor, the addition of Cupid's bow allows it to shoot arrows that can cause unexpected distractions or even make opponents fall in love mid-race. However, navigating the porcupine-infested terrain proves challenging, as the tiger must avoid the prickly creatures while maintaining speed and balance.

Forrest Gump, on the other hand, faces his own set of challenges. Unable to turn left, Forrest must find creative ways to navigate the slopes. His straightforward approach and determination, however, are legendary. Forrest's ability to adapt and his sheer persistence help him find alternative routes and strategies to stay on course. Despite the porcupines and his directional limitation, Forrest's unwavering spirit and resourcefulness shine through. In the end, Forrest's ability to overcome obstacles and his relentless drive give him the edge in the alpine skiing competition, securing his victory in this wild and unpredictable race.

Winner: Forrest Gump

FIGHT 4

Fighter 1: Sherlock Holmes

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is wearing diamond armor

Fighter 2: Master Chief ("Halo")

Fighter 2 Attribute: Uses the Force

Scenario: Everybody is Kung Fu fighting

Location: Wind tunnel

Winner Determined By: Parkour

AI Prediction: In the high-stakes environment of a wind tunnel where everyone is Kung Fu fighting, Sherlock Holmes and Master Chief face off in a parkour competition. Sherlock Holmes, clad in diamond armor, brings his keen intellect and analytical skills to the challenge. The diamond armor provides him with unparalleled protection, allowing him to take risks and make daring moves without fear of injury. His sharp mind helps him quickly assess the best routes and adapt to the constantly changing conditions of the wind tunnel, making his parkour moves precise and calculated.

Master Chief, wielding the Force, has a significant advantage in terms of agility and control. Using the Force, he can manipulate his surroundings, creating pathways and obstacles to his advantage. His combat training and physical prowess make him a natural at parkour, effortlessly navigating the wind tunnel with fluid and powerful movements. The Force allows him to anticipate and counter Sherlock's moves, maintaining an edge in the competition. Despite Sherlock's strategic brilliance and protective armor, Master Chief's mastery of the Force and superior physical abilities ultimately give him the upper hand, securing his victory in the parkour challenge.

Winner: Master Chief

SOUTHWEST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: Darth Vader

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is elderly

Fighter 2: Robin Hood

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is having a really good hair day

Scenario: Sea mines

Location: Carnival

Winner Determined By: Staring contest

AI Prediction: In the lively and chaotic setting of a carnival surrounded by sea mines, Darth Vader and Robin Hood prepare for an intense staring contest. Darth Vader, now elderly, brings a lifetime of experience and an intimidating presence to the competition. His piercing gaze, even in his advanced age, retains the power to instill fear and command respect. The carnival's distractions and the looming threat of sea mines do little to shake his focus, as he remains steadfast and unyielding.

Robin Hood, on the other hand, is having a really good hair day, which boosts his confidence and charm. His well-groomed appearance and charismatic demeanor make him a formidable opponent in the staring contest. Despite the unusual and perilous environment, Robin Hood's confidence shines through, and he meets Vader's gaze with unwavering determination. However, the sheer intensity and experience behind Darth Vader's stare prove overwhelming. In the end, Vader's ability to maintain a powerful and unbroken gaze secures his victory in the staring contest, even amidst the carnival's chaos and the threat of sea mines.

Winner: Darth Vader

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Hercules

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is a baby

Fighter 2: Star-Lord

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is riding a war elephant

Scenario: Fighters surrounded by a child’s birthday party

Location: Narnia

Winner Determined By: Hottest pop star

AI Prediction: In the magical land of Narnia, amidst the chaos of a child's birthday party, Hercules and Star-Lord face off to determine who is the hottest pop star. Baby Hercules, despite his tiny size, exudes an adorable charm that captivates the children and partygoers. His Herculean strength, even as a baby, allows him to perform impressive feats that leave the audience in awe. However, his baby status means he lacks the vocal prowess and stage presence typically associated with a pop star.

Star-Lord, riding a war elephant, brings his natural charisma and love for music to the competition. With his trusty Walkman and a knack for entertaining, he quickly wins over the crowd. His ability to engage the audience with his dance moves and catchy tunes makes him a standout performer. The war elephant adds an extra layer of spectacle, making his performance even more memorable. In the end, Star-Lord's combination of musical talent, showmanship, and the sheer spectacle of his entrance on a war elephant secure his victory as the hottest pop star in this whimsical Narnian showdown.

Winner: Star-Lord

FIGHT 3

Fighter 1: Chuck Norris

Fighter 1 Attribute: Armed with the One Ring

Fighter 2: Bruce Lee

Fighter 2 Attribute: Wearing a jetpack

Scenario: Molasses flood

Location: The Friend Zone

Winner Determined By: Best James Bond substitute

AI Prediction: In the sticky chaos of a molasses flood within the Friend Zone, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee face off to determine who would make the best James Bond substitute. Chuck Norris, armed with the One Ring, brings an air of invincibility and stealth to the competition. The One Ring grants him the power of invisibility, allowing him to navigate the molasses flood with ease and avoid detection. His legendary toughness and combat skills, combined with the ring's power, make him a formidable contender for the role of James Bond, embodying the secret agent's stealth and resilience.

Bruce Lee, equipped with a jetpack, showcases his unparalleled agility and martial arts prowess. The jetpack allows him to soar above the molasses, giving him a tactical advantage and the ability to perform aerial maneuvers that would make any spy envious. His charisma, quick reflexes, and innovative use of the jetpack demonstrate his suitability for the role of James Bond, highlighting the secret agent's need for adaptability and resourcefulness. However, the combination of Chuck Norris's raw power, strategic use of the One Ring, and his iconic status ultimately give him the edge. In the end, Chuck Norris's blend of strength, stealth, and legendary status make him the best James Bond substitute in this unique and sticky showdown.

Winner: Chuck Norris

FIGHT 4

Fighter 1: Barney

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is wearing a red shirt

Fighter 2: Jack Bauer

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can clone self (but each clone is half the size of the previous)

Scenario: No gravity

Location: Tokyo

Winner Determined By: Best Kindergarten teacher

AI Prediction: In the zero-gravity environment of Tokyo, Barney and Jack Bauer face off to determine who would make the best kindergarten teacher. Barney, the friendly purple dinosaur, is wearing a red shirt, which adds a vibrant touch to his already colorful persona. His gentle nature, love for children, and ability to create a fun and educational atmosphere make him a natural fit for the role. In a no-gravity setting, Barney's playful approach and ability to adapt to the floating environment would likely captivate the children's attention, making learning an enjoyable experience.

Jack Bauer, with his ability to clone himself, brings a unique twist to the competition. Each clone, though progressively smaller, could assist in managing the classroom and providing personalized attention to the children. However, Jack's intense demeanor and background in high-stress situations might not translate well to the nurturing environment of a kindergarten. While his clones could be helpful, the lack of gravity might make it challenging for him to maintain the calm and gentle approach needed for young children. In the end, Barney’s inherent warmth, patience, and ability to create a positive learning environment make him the better kindergarten teacher, even in the unusual circumstances of a no-gravity Tokyo.

Winner: Barney

SOUTHEAST BRACKET

FIGHT 1

Fighter 1: The Incredible Hulk

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is riding a Pegasus

Fighter 2: Leeroy Jenkins

Fighter 2 Attribute: Made of lava

Scenario: Very heavy fog

Location: The Middle Ages

Winner Determined By: 100-meter dash

AI Prediction: In the dense fog of the Middle Ages, the Incredible Hulk, riding a majestic Pegasus, and Leeroy Jenkins, made entirely of lava, prepare for a 100-meter dash. The Hulk, with his immense strength and the speed of his Pegasus, has a significant advantage in terms of raw power and mobility. The Pegasus can soar above the fog, giving the Hulk a clear path and allowing him to cover ground quickly. The combination of Hulk's brute force and the Pegasus's agility makes for a formidable competitor in this race.

Leeroy Jenkins, on the other hand, faces unique challenges. Being made of lava, he generates intense heat, which could potentially clear some of the fog around him, but his molten form might struggle with the uneven terrain of the Middle Ages. His fiery nature could also cause the ground to become unstable, slowing him down. Despite his legendary charge and fearless attitude, the heavy fog and his lava composition make it difficult for him to maintain a consistent pace. In the end, the Hulk's combination of strength, the Pegasus's flight capabilities, and the ability to navigate the foggy conditions give him the edge, securing his victory in the 100-meter dash.

Winner: The Incredible Hulk

FIGHT 2

Fighter 1: Ninja

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is a hypnotist

Fighter 2: Heisenberg (Walter White)

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is super effective

Scenario: 100 degrees below freezing

Location: The Internet

Winner Determined By: Best monster in a horror movie

AI Prediction: In the chilling environment of 100 degrees below freezing, set within the vast and surreal landscape of the Internet, Ninja and Heisenberg (Walter White) compete to determine who would make the best monster in a horror movie. The Ninja, with the ability to hypnotize, brings an eerie and psychological edge to the competition. His stealth and mastery of hypnosis allow him to manipulate his victims' minds, creating terrifying illusions and controlling their actions. This psychological horror element makes the Ninja a formidable and unsettling monster, capable of instilling deep fear without ever being seen.

Heisenberg, on the other hand, is described as "super effective," which suggests an unparalleled efficiency and ruthlessness. His cold, calculating nature and willingness to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals make him a chilling antagonist. In the frozen, digital landscape, Heisenberg's methodical approach and strategic mind allow him to exploit the environment to his advantage. His ability to remain calm and composed under pressure, combined with his super effective nature, makes him a relentless and terrifying presence. Ultimately, while the Ninja's hypnotic abilities create a haunting psychological horror, Heisenberg's relentless efficiency and cold-blooded tactics make him the more terrifying monster in a horror movie.

Winner: Heisenberg

FIGHT 3

Fighter 1: Kindergarten class

Fighter 1 Attribute: Covered in spikes

Fighter 2: Genghis Khan

Fighter 2 Attribute: Shoots magic missiles

Scenario: Raining fire

Location: Roman Colosseum

Winner Determined By: Best president

AI Prediction: In the fiery chaos of the Roman Colosseum, a spiked kindergarten class and Genghis Khan, armed with magic missiles, face off to determine who would make the best president. The kindergarten class, despite their spiky exterior, brings a sense of innocence and creativity to the competition. Their collective imagination and ability to think outside the box could lead to innovative solutions and a fresh perspective on leadership. However, their lack of experience and the challenges of managing a group of young children in such a high-stakes environment might hinder their effectiveness as a cohesive presidential force.

Genghis Khan, on the other hand, is a seasoned leader with a history of strategic brilliance and unyielding determination. His ability to shoot magic missiles adds a fantastical element to his already formidable presence. As a president, his strong leadership skills, ability to unite people under a common goal, and strategic mind would be invaluable. Despite the raining fire and the chaotic setting, Genghis Khan's experience and commanding presence make him the more suitable candidate for the role of president. His proven track record of leadership and ability to adapt to any situation ultimately secure his victory in this unconventional presidential showdown.

Winner: Genghis Khan

FIGHT 4

Fighter 1: He-Man

Fighter 1 Attribute: Has majestic flaming antlers growing out of head

Fighter 2: King Arthur

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can’t stop dancing

Scenario: Fighters used to date

Location: Atlantis

Winner Determined By: Quidditch (Team sport: all fighters multiply by 7)

AI Prediction: In the underwater city of Atlantis, He-Man and King Arthur, who used to date, face off in a Quidditch match with their teams multiplied by seven. He-Man, with his majestic flaming antlers, leads his team with a powerful and awe-inspiring presence. The antlers not only make him look formidable but also serve as a beacon for his teammates, guiding them through the underwater arena. His strength and leadership skills are crucial in coordinating his team's efforts, making them a formidable force on the Quidditch pitch.

King Arthur, on the other hand, can't stop dancing, which adds a unique twist to his gameplay. His constant movement, while unconventional, makes him unpredictable and difficult to defend against. His team, inspired by his energetic and rhythmic approach, adapts to his dancing style, creating a fluid and dynamic strategy. The combination of King Arthur's legendary leadership and his team's ability to move in sync with his dance makes them a tough opponent. However, the sheer power and commanding presence of He-Man, coupled with the strategic advantage of his flaming antlers, ultimately give his team the edge. In the end, He-Man's team secures the victory in this fantastical underwater Quidditch match.

Winner: He-Man

*****

Those flaming antlers are really doing a number on opponents, aren't they? Man, what a wild second round that was. We didn't see a couple of those outcomes coming, and we were a little disappointed by some of those stipulations (the tightrope with starving lions could have been cooler, the Friend Zone was basically pointless, and a few others didn't live up to the expectations, either) but we think there are some really good matchups to come in the quarterfinals! It's crazy to see how coincidentally or ironically some of these battles have shaped up to be. We're having a good time and can't wait to see what comes next. In fact, you don't even need to wait at all! Proceed to the next set of fights here: Third Round (Super 16)

How are we hanging in there? Have any comments or feedback? Let us know in the comments below, on Facebook, or on Twitter (here and here).

Stick with us, friends. The pathway to glory awaits, and one true champion shall be crowned!

Until next time.