Signs of the Times SUPERFIGHT: Introduction and First 16 Fights

INTRODUCTION

Years ago, I stumbled my way across a party game called "Superfight." Right on the box, it proclaims itself as "a game of absurd arguments." Basically, it's "Apples to Apples" with weapons. It's "Party Playoff" but wackier. In the game, you get a deck of cards and create your strongest, strangest, most ridiculous fighter and pit it against your friends' equally crazy creations, then argue about who would win in a fight. Or a spelling bee. Or a swimming meet. The possibilities are nearly endless, especially with a dozen or so expansion decks to throw into the mix. I laughed my head off many times with my family and friends playing this game.

But over the years, my "Superfight" collection has sat around gathering dust, unused and untouched in many, many moons. It turns out, not everybody wants to sit around several times a year and argue about whether Rambo could beat up a dentist in Sesame Street if neither of them had arms and it was snowing frogs. I've been a little sad about my all-but-forgotten game of preposterous hypotheticals for a while now... until the other day.

Yes, until the other day, when I had an epiphany. You know who would love to chat about insane situations and scenarios? You know who has sat around, night after night, listening to all of my stupid questions?

Bing AI - also now known by its professional name, Microsoft Copilot.

I could run all these idiotic proposals past my good buddy, the AI, and I bet it would absolutely LOVE to play along!

So, do you know what I decided to do - perhaps, as the last stand of my "Supercard" collection? I set up a 64-entrant battle royale bracket with a wide array of pop culture figures, fantastical locations, weird weapons and completely illogical objectives, and I ran them past Copilot to see who it determined would win.

Let's get crazy.

HOW IT WAS SET UP

I'm not going to completely bore you with every single thing I did to set up this tournament, but I will say that all of the fighters, attributes, challenges, locations and victory objectives are actual "Supercard" cards, directly from the base game or one of several expansion decks. Furthermore, let me assure you that I did my best to completely randomize the pairings. This occasionally led to some hilarious and ironic coincidences, like the Super Mario Brothers' attribute being "just ate a mushroom," a fight in the Sahara Desert being further specified as "150 degrees Fahrenheit," or Hermione Granger being saddled with the disadvantage "is really, really dumb." These were all selected at random and by none of my own personal biases. It is worth noting that any redundancy (such as "The Hunger Games" being a scenario and a location or "Canada" being a location and a fighter) were also true to the cards selected from the actual decks and are not a mistake.

I set this up like a March Madness basketball bracket - a round of 64, which was narrowed down to 32, then to 16, eight, four, and so on and so forth. The scenarios, locations and victory objectives of every round were selected ahead of time, then the winning fighter and their attribute moved on to the predetermined scenario already in place for the next round.

For the first round, I asked AI to describe who would win each fight in one paragraph, then doubled the length of the prediction for each subsequent round, all the way down to the championship.

LET'S GET IT ON!

This does remind me of an original experiment that we tried with the blog a few years back, where we had a handful of my friends pick teams of pop culture figures to duke it out in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. That was fun, but it was a lot of manual work and storytelling for me, plus, I had people basically trying to cheat their way to victory, which was annoying and not super fun. I figured that this would be a simpler way to do something way crazier and on a much broader scale. I knew that I wanted to do it, and I knew that it might get really weird. Actually, yeah. It's going to get really, really weird. I literally just said, out loud, to myself, "This is just insane. What am I doing?"

In fact, by the time this is all said and done, this may end up being one of the dumbest things I've ever done for this blog (and that's saying something!) - but I think I'm going to get a good laugh out of whatever ends up happening here in just a second. As I was prepping some of this nonsense, my wife kept looking over at me and asking what I was giggling about. I refused to tell her. But, if you're still reading this, at least now you've been warned.

With no further ado, let's start with the opening round - the Round of 64 - and see who comes out alive or otherwise less defeated than their opponents in... whatever it is that they're about to be asked to do. Enjoy!

*****

NORTHWEST BRACKET

MATCH 1

Fighter 1: Hermione Granger

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is really, really stupid

Fighter 2: Homer Simpson

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is wearing skis

Scenario: Pillow Fight

Location: On the moon

Winner Determined By: A game of badminton

AI Prediction: In this whimsical showdown on the moon, Hermione Granger, despite her usual brilliance, is inexplicably really, really stupid, while Homer Simpson is clumsily navigating the lunar surface on skis. The pillow fight itself is a chaotic spectacle of flailing limbs and feathers floating in the low gravity. However, the true test comes in the form of a game of badminton. Given Hermione's magical prowess, even in her diminished intellectual state, she might still have the edge in coordination and reflexes. Homer's lack of athleticism and the added challenge of skis make it difficult for him to compete effectively. Thus, despite the odds, Hermione’s inherent magical abilities and better physical coordination likely secure her the win in this bizarre lunar badminton match.

Winner: Hermione Granger

MATCH 2

Fighter 1: Canada

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can create a lightning field that shocks anyone within 10 feet

Fighter 2: The Smoke Monster from “LOST”

Fighter 2 Attribute: Can’t stop sobbing

Scenario: In pitch black

Location: Renaissance faire

Winner Determined By: Surviving the longest in a zombie apocalypse

AI Prediction: In the eerie darkness of a Renaissance faire, Canada, with its ability to create a lightning field, faces off against the perpetually sobbing Smoke Monster from "LOST." The pitch-black setting adds to the chaos, but Canada’s lightning field provides a significant advantage, creating a protective barrier against any approaching threats. The Smoke Monster, hindered by its incessant sobbing, struggles to maintain its usual menacing presence. When the scenario shifts to surviving a zombie apocalypse, Canada's strategic use of the lightning field to fend off zombies and create safe zones proves invaluable. The Smoke Monster's emotional turmoil and lack of practical survival skills ultimately lead to its downfall, making Canada the likely survivor in this apocalyptic showdown.

Winner: Canada

MATCH 3

Fighter 1: Wolverine

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can control machines

Fighter 2: Samurai

Fighter 2 Attribute: Has feet instead of hands

Scenario: Fighters are in a hot air balloon

Location: The North Pole

Winner Determined By: Rap battle

AI Prediction: In the frigid skies above the North Pole, Wolverine and a Samurai with feet instead of hands find themselves in a hot air balloon. Wolverine’s ability to control machines gives him an edge in maneuvering the balloon and maintaining stability in the harsh conditions. However, the true test comes in the form of a rap battle. Despite the Samurai’s unique physical attributes, Wolverine’s quick wit, sharp tongue, and extensive life experience likely give him the upper hand in crafting clever and cutting verses. The Samurai, while formidable in combat, struggles to keep up with Wolverine’s lyrical prowess. Thus, Wolverine emerges victorious in this unexpected and entertaining showdown.

Winner: Wolverine

MATCH 4

Fighter 1: Frankenstein’s monster

Fighter 1 Attribute: Took an arrow to the knee

Fighter 2: Neo ("The Matrix")

Fighter 2 Attribute: Has a towel

Scenario: Fighters are babies

Location: Ocean of gelatin

Winner Determined By: Boxing – punches only!

AI Prediction: In the surreal setting of an ocean of gelatin, baby versions of Frankenstein's monster and Neo from "The Matrix" face off in a boxing match. Despite Frankenstein's monster being hindered by an arrow to the knee, his inherent strength and resilience give him a formidable presence. Neo, armed with only a towel, relies on his agility and quick reflexes. However, as babies, their abilities are significantly diminished. The gelatinous environment adds an extra layer of challenge, making movement sluggish and punches less impactful. Ultimately, Neo's natural agility and adaptability, even as a baby, give him the edge in this gelatinous boxing match, allowing him to outmaneuver and outpunch Frankenstein's monster to claim victory.

Winner: Neo

MATCH 5

Fighter 1: The Kardashians

Fighter 1 Attribute: Are noobs

Fighter 2: Keanu Reeves

Fighter 2 Attribute: In stealth mode

Scenario: Sand storm

Location: Cage match

Winner Determined By: Worst president

AI Prediction: In the midst of a fierce sandstorm within a cage match, the Kardashians, inexperienced and out of their element, face off against Keanu Reeves, who is in stealth mode. The chaotic environment makes it difficult for the Kardashians to navigate, while Keanu's stealth abilities allow him to move undetected and strike with precision. However, the winner is determined by who would make the worst president. Given the Kardashians' lack of political experience and tendency towards drama, they are more likely to be seen as the worse choice for presidency compared to the calm, composed, and universally beloved Keanu Reeves. Thus, in this unconventional contest, the Kardashians are deemed the "winners" for being the worst potential presidents.

Winner: The Kardashians

MATCH 6

Fighter 1: Abraham Lincoln

Fighter 1 Attribute: Armed with red turtle shells

Fighter 2: Pikachu

Fighter 2 Attribute: Knows Kung Fu

Scenario: In blinding light

Location: On the Titanic

Winner Determined By: Fastest lumberjack

AI Prediction: In the dazzling, blinding light aboard the Titanic, Abraham Lincoln, armed with red turtle shells, faces off against Pikachu, who has mastered Kung Fu. The chaotic environment makes it difficult for both fighters to see and navigate, but Lincoln's strategic mind and historical reputation for physical strength give him an edge. Pikachu's agility and martial arts skills, however, make him a formidable opponent. When it comes to determining the fastest lumberjack, Lincoln's experience with manual labor and his legendary height and strength likely give him the upper hand. Despite Pikachu's impressive abilities, Lincoln's prowess with an axe and his familiarity with lumberjack tasks make him the faster and more efficient lumberjack, securing his victory in this unique contest.

Winner: Abraham Lincoln

MATCH 7

Fighter 1: Katniss Everdeen

Fighter 1 Attribute: Horrible self-esteem

Fighter 2: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is out of mana

Scenario: Fighters shot out of huge cannons at each other from one mile apart

Location: On the edge of a cliff

Winner Determined By: Pie baking contest

AI Prediction: In this wild scenario, Katniss Everdeen, struggling with horrible self-esteem, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, who is out of mana, are shot out of huge cannons at each other from a mile apart on the edge of a cliff. The dramatic launch and the precarious location add to the tension, but the true test comes down to a pie baking contest. Despite her self-esteem issues, Katniss's resourcefulness and survival skills likely give her an edge in the kitchen. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, while charming and iconic, might struggle with the finesse required for baking a perfect pie. Therefore, Katniss's determination and practical skills make her the likely winner in this deliciously unusual contest.

Winner: Katniss Everdeen

MATCH 8

Fighter 1: Willy Wonka

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is riding a hoverboard

Fighter 2: Super Mario Brothers

Fighter 2 Attribute: Just ate a mushroom

Scenario: Tornado

Location: Junkyard

Winner Determined By: Hide and seek

AI Prediction: In the chaotic setting of a tornado-ravaged junkyard, Willy Wonka, riding a hoverboard, faces off against the Super Mario Brothers, who have just eaten a mushroom. The tornado adds an element of unpredictability, with debris flying everywhere. Willy Wonka's hoverboard gives him an advantage in mobility, allowing him to navigate the junkyard with ease and find creative hiding spots. Meanwhile, the Super Mario Brothers, empowered by the mushroom, have enhanced abilities but must contend with the unstable environment. When it comes to hide and seek, Wonka's whimsical and inventive nature, combined with the hoverboard's agility, likely gives him the upper hand in finding the perfect hiding spot and evading detection. Thus, Willy Wonka emerges as the winner in this high-stakes game of hide and seek.

Winner: Willy Wonka

NORTHEAST BRACKET

MATCH 1

Fighter 1: Mr. Rogers

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can stretch like rubber

Fighter 2: Loki

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is a steam-powered robot

Scenario: Blizzard

Location: Giant bounce house

Winner Determined By: Best soldier

AI Prediction: In the midst of a blizzard within a giant bounce house, Mr. Rogers, with his newfound ability to stretch like rubber, faces off against Loki, who is now a steam-powered robot. The blizzard and bouncy environment create a chaotic and unpredictable battlefield. Mr. Rogers' rubber-like flexibility allows him to navigate the bounce house with ease, avoiding Loki's mechanical attacks. Loki, with his steam-powered enhancements, is formidable but somewhat hindered by the bouncy terrain and the cold affecting his steam mechanisms. When it comes to determining the best soldier, Mr. Rogers' calm demeanor, strategic thinking, and ability to adapt to any situation give him an edge. His kindness and resilience, combined with his new stretchy powers, make him a surprisingly effective soldier, ultimately outmaneuvering and outlasting Loki in this frosty, bouncy showdown.

Winner: Mr. Rogers

MATCH 2

Fighter 1: King Kong

Fighter 1 Attribute: Slows time when eyes are closed

Fighter 2: MacGyver

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is just cosplaying

Scenario: The floor is actually lava

Location: The Hunger Games

Winner Determined By: Raddest pro skateboarder

AI Prediction: In the intense setting of The Hunger Games, where the floor is actually lava, King Kong and MacGyver (who is just cosplaying) face off in a battle to determine the raddest pro skateboarder. King Kong's ability to slow time when his eyes are closed gives him a unique advantage, allowing him to perform gravity-defying tricks and maneuvers with precision. MacGyver, despite his resourcefulness, is hindered by the fact that he’s merely cosplaying and lacks real skateboarding skills. The lava floor adds an extra layer of danger, but King Kong’s massive size and time-slowing ability enable him to navigate the treacherous terrain with style and flair. Ultimately, King Kong's impressive skateboarding tricks and ability to adapt to the extreme environment make him the clear winner in this radical showdown.

Winner: King Kong

MATCH 3

Fighter 1: Terminator

Fighter 1 Attribute: Dying of dysentery

Fighter 2: Grim Reaper

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is buffering

Scenario: Fighters are wearing skinny jeans

Location: Death Valley

Winner Determined By: Golf

AI Prediction: In the scorching heat of Death Valley, the Terminator, struggling with dysentery, and the Grim Reaper, who is perpetually buffering, face off in a golf match while both are constrained by skinny jeans. The Terminator's mechanical precision is severely hampered by his illness, making it difficult for him to focus and execute his shots. Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper's buffering state causes him to freeze intermittently, disrupting his swing and overall performance. Despite these challenges, the Terminator's advanced targeting systems and experience with precision tasks give him a slight edge. Even in his weakened state, he manages to outplay the Grim Reaper, whose buffering issues prove too much of a handicap. Thus, the Terminator emerges as the unlikely winner in this bizarre and challenging golf showdown.

Winner: Terminator

MATCH 4

Fighter 1: Iron Man

Fighter 1 Attribute: Thinks the floor is actually lava

Fighter 2: Kirby

Fighter 2 Attribute: Breathes fire

Scenario: Ground is covered with banana peels

Location: Giant ball pit

Winner Determined By: Best bodyguard

AI Prediction: In the chaotic environment of a giant ball pit with the ground covered in banana peels, Iron Man, who believes the floor is actually lava, faces off against Kirby, who can breathe fire. Iron Man’s advanced suit and flight capabilities allow him to avoid the “lava” and navigate the slippery terrain with ease. Kirby’s fire-breathing ability adds an element of danger, but the banana peels make it difficult for him to maintain his footing. When it comes to determining the best bodyguard, Iron Man’s extensive experience in combat, advanced technology, and protective instincts make him the superior choice. His ability to quickly assess and neutralize threats, combined with his unwavering dedication to protecting others, ensures that he outshines Kirby in this role. Thus, Iron Man emerges as the best bodyguard in this quirky and challenging scenario.

Winner: Iron Man

MATCH 5

Fighter 1: Saber-toothed Tiger

Fighter 1 Attribute: Armed with Cupid’s bow

Fighter 2: Miley Cyrus

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is allergic to all animals

Scenario: Fighters swap sizes

Location: A dungeon full of dragons

Winner Determined By: The Amazing Race

AI Prediction: In the dragon-filled dungeon, a now tiny Saber-toothed Tiger armed with Cupid's bow faces off against a giant Miley Cyrus, who is unfortunately allergic to all animals. The size swap creates a unique dynamic, with the tiny tiger using its agility and Cupid's bow to navigate the dungeon and avoid the dragons. Miley, despite her size advantage, struggles with her allergies, making it difficult to focus and move swiftly. When it comes to The Amazing Race, the tiger’s quickness and strategic use of the bow to influence others give it an edge in completing tasks and navigating challenges. Miley's allergies and cumbersome size slow her down, making it hard to keep up. Thus, the Saber-toothed Tiger, with its clever use of Cupid's bow and agility, emerges as the winner in this fantastical race.

Winner: Saber-toothed Tiger

MATCH 6

Fighter 1: Forrest Gump

Fighter 1 Attribute: Can’t turn left

Fighter 2: The Illuminati

Fighter 2 Attribute: Armed with the Master Sword

Scenario: Raining swords

Location: The distant future

Winner Determined By: Talent show

AI Prediction: In the distant future, amidst a dramatic downpour of swords, Forrest Gump, who can’t turn left, faces off against the Illuminati, armed with the Master Sword. The futuristic setting adds an element of unpredictability, but the true test is a talent show. Forrest, with his charming simplicity and unexpected talents, might surprise the audience with his storytelling, running prowess, or even a heartfelt rendition of a classic song. The Illuminati, with their vast resources and the Master Sword, could put on an impressive display of power and precision. However, the talent show is about connecting with the audience and showcasing unique skills. Forrest's genuine nature and ability to captivate with his life stories and unexpected talents likely win the hearts of the judges and audience, making him the winner in this futuristic talent showdown.

Winner: Forrest Gump

MATCH 7

Fighter 1: Disembodied Head

Fighter 1 Attribute: Is a pacifist

Fighter 2: Sherlock Holmes

Fighter 2 Attribute: Is wearing diamond armor

Scenario: Ground is covered with poisonous snakes

Location: Burning building

Winner Determined By: The Hunger Games

AI Prediction: In the perilous environment of a burning building with the ground covered in poisonous snakes, a disembodied head who is a pacifist faces off against Sherlock Holmes, clad in diamond armor. The disembodied head's pacifism makes it unlikely to engage in direct conflict, relying instead on evasion and strategy. Sherlock Holmes, with his keen intellect and protective armor, navigates the dangerous terrain with calculated precision. The burning building and snakes add layers of danger, but the true test is surviving The Hunger Games. Sherlock's analytical mind, combined with his diamond armor, gives him a significant advantage in outsmarting and outlasting threats. The disembodied head's pacifism, while noble, is a severe disadvantage in such a ruthless competition. Thus, Sherlock Holmes, with his superior strategy and protection, emerges as the winner in this deadly and complex scenario.

Winner: Sherlock Holmes

MATCH 8

Fighter 1: Master Chief ("Halo")

Fighter 1 Attribute: Uses the Force

Fighter 2: Mafia Don

Fighter 2 Attribute: Has catlike reflexes

Scenario: Land mines

Location: Inside a volcano

Winner Determined By: Best at escaping a temple full of booby traps after stealing a sacred idol

AI Prediction: In the treacherous environment of a volcano filled with land mines, Master Chief, who can use the Force, faces off against a Mafia Don with catlike reflexes. The volatile setting adds to the danger, but the true test is escaping a temple full of booby traps after stealing a sacred idol. Master Chief's combination of military training, advanced armor, and Force abilities gives him a significant edge in navigating the temple's traps and obstacles. He can use the Force to sense and disarm traps, move objects, and enhance his agility. The Mafia Don's catlike reflexes are impressive, allowing him to react quickly to immediate threats, but they are no match for the strategic advantage and versatility provided by the Force. Master Chief's superior skills and abilities make him the best at escaping the temple, securing his victory in this high-stakes challenge.

Winner: Master Chief

*****

There we go! Those are our first 16 winners, and we're now half-way through this first round. In order for us to prevent this single post from becoming truly gigantic, we're going to call it there and start the second half of the first round in the next post: First Round, Part 2

How are you liking these fights so far? Were you surprised by any of the winners? Do you vehemently disagree for one reason or another? Let us know in the comments section below, find us on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter (here and here).

Until next time.